A Christmas Story came out in 1983 and it’s everyone’s favorite Christmas movie, probably because they show it on TV non-stop every Christmas, and it’s hard not to love a movie you’ve seen every year since you were six, usually while being showered with presents. Popular as it is, it’s hard to believe that it’s been 30 years and Hollywood still hasn’t found a way to milk cash-money from it like my uncle thinks you can do with Jews. That is… UNTIL NOW!

A Christmas Story 2: Christmas Harder (note: probably not the real title) brings directly to DVD all the Christmasy stuff you remember, this time under the veteran direction of Brian Levant, of Snow Dogs and Jingle All the Way fame. Snow Dogs! This is going to be great! Plus, Daniel Stern plays the dad! SHUT UP AND NARRATE MY IDEALIZED CHILDHOOD, STERN!

The original, traditional, one-hundred-percent, red-blooded, two-fisted, All-American Christmas continues five years later, with Ralphie (Braeden Lemasters), Randy (Valin Shinyei), Mom (Stacey Travis), and the Old Man (Daniel Stern). This time, Ralphie has his eyes fixed on a car. But trouble is sure to follow.

That first line is the same as the tagline from the original, in case you was ponderin’. Though I still don’t know how “two-fisted” is a selling point. Is John Woo directing? Is there a strict no-amputee policy? What does that even mean? Meanwhile, the 16-year-old main character still wears the exact same clothes, hair, and glasses as he did when he was 10 because people who weren’t brutally molested do that, and it isn’t creepy at all.

Everyone loves a man-child! But this won’t be a simple rehash of the original, oh no no no no no no no. This one also has a number of cutting-edge humor jokes, such as man spills liquid on a lady’s blouse and offends her by awkwardly trying to clean it off her breast, and man runs from bigger man in comically-fast motion while Yackety Sax plays. And WAIT A SECOND, DID THEY JUST BUY DAD ANOTHER LADY’S LEG LAMP?!! OOOOH HAAAIL NOO YOU DI’IN’T! DOES MOM BURN THE GOOSE AGAIN!? WILL THEY HAVE TO GO OUT FOR CHINESE…. AGAIN? I NEED TO KNOW! FA RA RA RA RA RAH! Phew, you know what? This might be too outrageous.

I’m including a clip from Jingle All the Way just because:

I really wish the Turbo Man finale scene was still online, but I think this still gives you a taste of Brian Levant’s savant-like knack for slapstick.

Also, and this is neither here nor there, but I think “Braeden Lamesters” is a good euphemism for obnoxious child actors.

[Movieweb, GeekTyrant]