The alien robots were always my favorite part of the board game
Maybe I’m going soft, but there are a lot of new movies hitting DVD this week, and quite a few of them are indies/low-budget/foreign films that actually look good, which is fortunate because the mainstream Hollywood fare is stuff like Battleship and Think Like A Man. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t all look amazing, it’s just unusual to find so many that don’t look too bad. Probably has something to do with the sheer volume of new DVDs this week. In fact, there are so many movies this week that I’m mostly featuring the ones that either look legitimately good or -regardless of quality- star somebody you’ve heard of -and just to give you an idea of just how wonderful this week is, I’ll even give a quick rundown of some of the new DVDs that I am NOT featuring.
The Featured DVDs:
Battleship
The Lucky One
Think Like A Man
The Pirates! Band Of Misfits
Darling Companion
L!fe Happens
A Beginner’s Guide To Endings
The Moth Diaries
Citizen Gangster
Blind Revenge
Monsieur Lazhar
The Heineken Kidnapping
The Viral Factor
Fist Of The Reich
Nate & Margaret
Apartment 143
Battleground
The Newest Pledge
Below Zero
The Not-Featured DVDs:
Starship Troopers: Invasion -Casper Van Dien executive produces this all-CGI flick, even though somebody else is voicing Johnny Rico.
I Am Gabriel -Dean Cain stars in this flick about a town that’s brought to Christ when a mysterious young boy shows up. Is he the angel Gabriel?
Jersey Shore Shark Attack -Dustin Rowles mocked this SyFy original over at Warming Glow, and they returned the favor by misspelling his name in the critics’ blurb on the box cover.
Blood Money -A martial arts flick starring Pitbull. Yes, that Pitbull.
Lovely Molly -A partially found-footage flick from one of the directors of The Blair Witch Project. I’m guessing he was the one responsible for all the sh*tty parts.
Penumbra -Devil worshipers trying to raise the antichrist (I’m assuming) during a solar eclipse. Actually looks pretty decent.
Area 407 -Found footage Jurassic Park. So, basically a preview of Jurassic Park 4.
Apocalypse of the Dead -Zombies, of course.
One Hour To Die: You Have All Been Poisoned -Approximate running time: 80 minutes.
Shark Week -For those who like their SyFy reality rip-offs more like Survivor and less like, well, Jersey Shore.
Rewind -Irish thriller. I got nothin’.
Neverlost -Can’t find my notes about this one.
Sex Money And You Already Know 2 -The first one sucked.
Holy crap, that’s a lot of detail for ‘not-featured’ flicks. Just imagine what’s in store for you if you keep reading about the featured DVDs. (And don’t worry, I do take the time to poop on a few of ‘em. I know you like that sort of thing.) If you’re already tired of all of this, at least hit up the Netflix page by following the link here.
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Luke Perry is a borrower? This changes EVERYTHING!
I exclusively use strange loaners to fund all of my weird projects.
That Red Band trailer for Rampage is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And I’m the guy with an avatar of a pregnant woman being kicked in the belly, so that’s saying something.
What the fuck is wrong with Uwe Boll? Seriously.
A friend of mine told me Rampeage was actually good after I confessed that I kinda liked Postal. So I said fuck it and gave it a shot. It sorta made me worry about my friend. The movie is nothing but the rampage. No real story, no character development or emotional conflict or anything, just a dude wandering around a sleepy little town killing everyone. It was… I dunno… not what I expected.
I don’t understand you people saying you kinda liked Postal. I watched about 10 minutes of it and thought it was essentially unwatchable, like Seltzer-Friedberg as directed by a borderline-autistic foreigner. There really aren’t that many movies that I have to shut off or walk out of, Postal was one of them. Other than Dave Foley’s penis, which was sort of funny-surprising, what was there to like about that movie?
Darryl Hannah should stop asking Kathleen Turner for cosmetic surgery advice.
Oh, I wanna’ see Jamie Lannister in something where he’s not being Jamie Lannister, because the whole boning-his-sister thing detracts from the handsomeness.
Errrrr…detracts in what way?
He had the lead in New Amsterdam, a sort of Law & Order: Highlander that ran for maybe half a season a few years ago. Other than that it’s mainly been bit parts or Scandinavian productions.
He boned Iben Hjejle (Laura in High Fidelity, Iben in KLOWN) in The Man Behind The Door, if that helps.
Incidentally, that’s part of the reason I don’t like KLOWN getting exported: We’ve spent years building up the idea that all Danish men look like Coster-Waldau, Mads Mikkelsen, Viggo Mortensen or even – dare I say it – Sven-Ole Thorsen, and now they’re completely ruining the plot.
We would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling cl… fools.
I think it would have been great if they’d made “The Final Storm” as a found-footage film.
Only if it starred Kirk Cameron and the footage was found by Kirk Cameron dressed up as Jesus at the end
I usually hate on my homegrown Canadian films (normally they’re just really bad rip offs of already stale rip offs) but Citizen Gangster was incredible and Monsieur Lazher might be one of my favorite movies of the year. Definitely, definitely recommended. It made me cry so bad, but then again I am a bitch.
@Leaping
Have you seen “The Wild Hunt”? One of the better indy flicks from America’s hat.
Whoa, Wild Hunt is Canadian? I did not know that. THAT was a fucked up movie.
It was so Canadian there was an apology in the credits.
A friend and I actually watched RAMPAGE a few years back, not knowing it was an Uwe Boll film, and were just sitting there stunned by the end of it. I found out it was one of Boll’s films, and couldn’t believe how restrained it seemed in retrospect, considering the shit he did in POSTAL and BLUBBERELLA and such. Honestly, in light of how much gun violence is in the spotlight (and how many mass shootings are happening these days) I’m surprised Netflix hasn’t yanked this.
Area 407, Penumbra, Citizen Gangster, and The Moth Diaries are streaming too. And I also had the misfortune of watching Apartment 143 and yes, it is awful.
Yup. Netflix is so shitty about adding the new flicks when they are actually scheduled to be added that I’ve resorted to waiting a week and then mentioning them.
Has no one here seen Blind Fury, seriously? Rutger Hauer as a blind guy with a samurai sword in his cane!