"Maybe come back to my place, watch 'I, Robot' and I'll put my penis in your armpit."

Opening Everywhere: The Possession, For a Good Time Call

Opened Wednesday: Lawless

Not Opening Anywhere: Doggie B

FilmDrunk Suggests: I suggest that you write every Hollywood studio exec, your congressman, senators, President Obama, Mitt Romney, whoever runs Canada (just in case), your uncle who always talks about how he knows powerful people, and anyone in the Target break room that will listen to you and demand that Doggie B be released nationwide. It is an atrocity that we can’t readily see this film.

"BANG! Take that, door!"

Lawless

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 64% critics, 83% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“With a dynamite cast, an iconic screenwriter in rocker Nick Cave and an Aussie director in John Hillcoat, you assume a new classic. What you get is an ambitious try.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“Much of the action may be nearly as grim as in director John Hillcoat’s previous feature, ‘The Road’ – ‘Lawless’ is very bloody – but the scenery and production design are a whole lot nicer.” – Mark Feeney, Boston Globe

Armchair Analysis: I didn’t even realize this came out on Wednesday, that’s how serious my summer movie season coma has been. I’m a big fan of these old “turn-of-the-century” crime dramas, and the Guy Pearce/Tom Hardy/Gary Oldman trio is a total bro magnet. Alas, I’m done with Shia LeBeouf. If he really wants to be as serious an actor as Sean Penn, because he actually strapped himself to an electric chair for a role and that’s acting, then someone get this dude a death penalty movie ASAP before we have to see him standing 69 Vincent Gallo as they choke for their art. F*cking child actors.