If you’ve been out of the loop, back in 2011, the FBI released a National Gang Threat Assessment report that classified Juggalos, as fans of the Insane Clown Posse refer to themselves, as among “non-traditional gangs,” alongside such groups as the Aryan Brotherhood, Bloods, and Latin Kings. My favorite part of that report?

NGIC reporting indicates that Juggalo gangs are expanding in New Mexico primarily because they are attracted to the tribal and cultural traditions of the Native Americans residing nearby.

Yes, that is a real passage from an FBI report. Juggalos are into Native American stuff? Who knew? It makes you wonder… is Gary Busey a Juggalo? Also, and I swear to God this is real, this was the picture that the FBI used to accompany Juggalos in their report:

Source: ATF

ONE COULD HARDLY ARGUE THAT JUGGALOS ARE DANGEROUS I MEAN LOOK AT THAT GUN AND MENACING POSTURE! Good lord, these are the people responsible for tracking down terrorists? This report is about as reasoned as a local news piece on Satanism. Well now, Juggalos are fighting back. It just took them a while, because, according to the FBI, a lot of them are homeless:

Juggalos’ disorganization and lack of structure within their groups, coupled with their transient nature, makes it difficult to classify them and identify their members and migration patterns. Many criminal Juggalo sub-sets are comprised of transient or homeless individuals, according to law enforcement reporting.

Would you call a group of migrating Juggalos a “herd?” A “school?” A “murder?” How about a “hatchet?” I like that. “So I was just chillin’ out with my ninjas, drinkin a Faygo, when all of a sudden we noticed a hatchet of Juggalos hiding underneath a car.”

As I said, now the Juggalos are fighting back. According to the press release, they have retained legal counsel.

Shaggy 2 Dope stated, “It’s been almost a year since Juggalos were put on the National Gang Threat Assessment and we are hearing too many stories from our fans about the trouble it’s causing them. Just because you like a music group, doesn’t make you a criminal.”
Violent J said, “We’re not attacking the FBI, but they got this wrong. The Juggalos are not a gang, and that needs to be fixed.”

Insane Clown Posse and Psychopathic Records’ legal counsel, Howard Hertz of Hertz Schram PC, has released the following statement:

Howard Hertz, aka Howie Jew Dope… I! AM! A JUGGALAWYER!

“We are seeking individual Juggalos whose rights have been violated as a result of the mistaken belief that they are a ‘gang member.’  If you or someone you know has suffered any negative consequence with an employer, governmental representative, including law enforcement, border patrol, airline security, or other local, state or federal governmental agency or employee as a result of your status as a Juggalo, we want to know about it.

We are seeking individuals who have experienced any of the following based on a government employee or other’s knowledge of the Juggalo ‘gang’ status as stated in the 2011 National Gang Assessment:
1.   Stopped by Border Patrol (U.S., Canadian or otherwise)

2.   Stopped or denied ability to fly on an airline

3.   Increased criminal sentencing or denial of parole

4.   Transfer of a juvenile criminal offender from juvenile court to circuit (“adult”) court

5.   Denial of job opportunity, loss of employment

6.   Denial of permit to march, boycott, assemble

7.   Denial of a vendor to sell Juggalo merchandise

8.     An injunction preventing the Juggalos from congregating in any area, wearing Juggalo clothing, displaying tattoos

9.   Pulled over or detained by law enforcement

10. Any other denial of a right, liberty, property”

Okay, okay, okay, here’s what needs to happen: we’re going to need an official-looking guy in a suit wearing Juggalo make-up, and a commercial that runs during Maury and The People’s Court. Then, we’re going to have to translate this into Juggalese so that it finds the proper audience. “MY NINJAS! DO YOU BE GETTIN’ HATED ON BY YO BOSS OR PAROLE OFFICER SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU DOWN WITH THE CLOWN? THAT IS WHACK, SON! CALL UP THE JUGGALAW FIRM OF SNATCHIT, CRATCHIT, AND FELDSTEIN AND GET UP IN THIS CLASS ACTION LAWSIZZLE AGAINST THESE HATER BITCHES!”

Tell me that doesn’t fit right in with mesothelioma, trans-vaginal mesh, and that online college Shannon Doherty goes to. I’m going to go out on a limb and say there’s a lot of overlap between people who need trans-vaginal mesh, people on worker’s comp, people who need free catheters, and Juggalos. (Yes, I watch a lot of day time TV).