Jonah Hill’s weight may fluctuate, but one thing that never wanes is his intellectual curiousity. So when a lady give birth next to him on a park bench in NYC (your mom, I presume), he decided he needed a picture of the placenta. As my granddaddy said, “Pics or GTFO.” The only complication? TMZ was hanging out nearby videotaping him as he did it. Man, nothing makes you look creepier than trying to take a picture of a lady’s placenta in a public park, not that I probably wouldn’t have done the same thing. I mean, it’s not like he tried to eat it (and yes, some people do that). You could make a case that TMZ is even creepier for just hanging out, trying to take pictures of a fat guy taking a picture of a lady’s placenta in a public park, but either way it’s not going to stop me from masturbating to it.

Okay, fine. JUST THIS ONCE you’re allowed to say “only in New York.” This is the ONE situation in which it may sort of apply. But I swear to God, if I hear you say it because you saw a guy you went to high school with at a pizza place, I’m going to sock you in the belly until there’s blood in your stool.

American Beauty would’ve been way better if “the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen” was a lady’s placenta on a park bench and not some dumb plastic bag.