"Jay, this is God talking. Listen carefully: I want you to party hard and always keep it super real. Ha! Jk, it's your bro, Steve."

If you don’t know who Jay Penske is, don’t worry, neither did I before yesterday. The short answer is, he’s the son of Roger Penske, who owns Penske racing, and after attending boarding and prep school and becoming an all-American lacrosse player at St. Mary’s, he went to Wharton. Basically, a golden boat shoe winner at the WASP awards. But for our purposes, he now owns a few websites, including Movieline, Nikki Finke’s Deadline, and Hollywood Life. More recently, he partied super hard the other night and peed on a girl. Burnsy touched on it yesterday in his Nikki Finke post, but PageSix today leads us to the Nantucket local paper, which has more details:

Two sons of auto racing mogul Roger Penske were arrested early Thursday morning by island police for an alleged break-in at the Nantucket Yacht Club after two women claimed they had been assaulted by them on South Beach Street.
Jay Penske, 33, the CEO of the digital media company PMC who owns the IndyCar racing team Dragon Racing and the web site Deadline.com, along with his brother Mark Penske, 35, were arrested just before 2 a.m. Thursday on South Beach Street.
According to a police report, the incident was reported as an assault and battery when two women approached officers on Broad Street, claiming they had been assaulted by two men, later identified as the Penske brothers.
The report claims the Penske brothers were urinating in the parking lot, and that when she confronted Jay Penske, he “turned and continued to urinate on her boots. He then proceeded to grab her arm and push her. (The woman) also states that Mark before he ran away pushed her and they both then ran to the house on Yacht Club property” the report states.

If a dumb guy’s in the middle of spraying something, never tap him on the shoulder, unless you want to get sprayed. I learned that the summer I spent sandblasting farm equipment with a drunk named Henry. True story.

One of the women involved in the incident, a bartender at an island restaurant who asked to remain anonymous, corroborated most of what was in the report, with a few slight variations.
In an interview Thursday afternoon with The Inquirer and Mirror, the woman said she and two friends were walking down South Beach Street when they noticed a man leaning against a car and urinating toward the sidewalk. As they pointed him out, she said, he turned toward the car, spraying urine onto her boots.

Jeez, well if she wasn’t fainting and clutching her pearls BEFORE…

“We thought they were drunk (expletive) tourists,” she said. Her friend then took out her phone and attempted to snap a photo of the man urinating on the car.

Whoa whoa whoa, using profanity and trying to take a picture of a guy peeing? It’s like everything I know about New England blue bloods is wrong! Frankly, these “ladies” sound more like the subject of a “Lady from Nantucket” limerick I once heard.

“She had her phone in her hand already and goes to take a picture so tomorrow we could say look at these guys,” she said. “But the other one who was right there grabbed her hand and smashed it into her face. It happened so fast. He was a tall guy, and all I remember her saying was ‘you’re going to hit a girl’?”

“It all happened so fast — why, I barely had time to take out my camera phone and start taking pictures.”

The two men ran through a back alley toward the parking lot of the Nantucket Yacht Club, she said, and the group of women continued walking down the sidewalk where they ran into a police officer and reported the incident. At the same time, they noticed one of the Penske brothers in the parking lot, and identified him to police as one of the people involved in the incident.

Police claimed they apprehended Jay Penske attempting to run away from the club, and that they found Mark Penske at the employee apartment after he had fallen down the staircase, suffering several cuts on this right arm.

“Come at me, bro! Don’t you know who my father is?!” he was heard yelling at a nearby shrub.

As Jay Penske was detained, the woman claimed he yelled at her “‘you’re not white enough’. I don’t know what it meant. The cop was like, why is he saying that to you?”

“You’re not white enough to complain about getting peed on! Why can’t you act more like my maids?”

In the confusion, she said, her friend who had attempted to take a photo with her cell phone and was allegedly assaulted had left the area, so police could not interview her. The responding officers told the woman they could not press assault charges without speaking with her. But police also interviewed the occupants of the yacht club’s employee apartment, and based upon those interviews, decided to file breaking and entering charges against the Penskes.

“There were three people living in the yacht club apartment and only two saw the suspects enter the house and they got startled when they were confronted,” according to the report,which was written by officer John Muhr, a 20-year veteran of the Nantucket Police Department.

The scene inside the employee apartment: “SO THESE TWO HAHD ONS BREAK THROUGH THE FACKIN DOAH, COMPLETELY BLAWTTO, KNAWKED MY SAWX POSTAH RIGHT AWF THE WALL! FACKIN’ TAWMMY NEAHLY FELL OF THE SHITTAH.”

The Penskes are not members at the Nantucket Yacht Club, according to staff at the club.

DUNT DUNT DUNNNNNN… This was probably the most embarrassing part of the story for the Penske family.

The report states that the women later told police they did not wish to press assault and battery charges, and does not mention anything about the alleged victim having left the scene.

The brothers spent the night in the Nantucket Police Department’s lockup facility, and were arraigned Thursday morning on charges of breaking and entering in the nighttime with intent to commit a misdemeanor. Both were released on personal recognizance with pretrial hearings set for Aug. 20. [NantucketInquirerandMirror]

Misters Penske, how do you plead?

Your honor, we’d like to enter a plea of “Sorry for partying.”

(*music fades in*) They are, the Penske brooothers, don’t get a-long with o-thers….