Remember in Idiocracy when all the plants died because they tried to feed them Brawndo? 
MAYFIELD, Ky. (CNN/WPSD) – Ranchers have struggled with skyrocketing corn prices, because the drought has made feeding their livestock very expensive. But one rancher has turned to a very sweet solution.
At Mayfield’s United Livestock Commodities, owner Joseph Watson is tweaking the recipe for success.
“Just to be able to survive, we have to look for other sources of nutrition,” he said.
His 1,400 cattle are no longer feeding off corn. The prices, Watson says, are too high to keep corn in stock. So earlier this year, he began to buy second-hand candy.
“It has a higher ratio of fat than actually feeding straight corn,” Watson explained. “It’s hard to believe it will work but we’ve already seen the results of it now.”
Watson mixes the candy with an ethanol by-product and a mineral nutrient. He says the cows have not shown any health problems from eating the candy, and they are gaining weight as they should.
“This ration is balanced to have not too much fat in it,” he said. [WPRI]
CANDY: IT’S WHAT COWS CRAVE! I guess they don’t have grass in Kentucky? Anyway, I think what Mayfield’s United needs is a commercial to properly demonstrate the radicalness of their product. They could start with a black and white shot of some cows eating corn, with an announcer saying “Are your cows still eating boring old corn?” And then there’s a big record scratch and the candy cows burst through the wall and start chugging energy drinks and shredding the gnar. No one would ever eat corn-fed beef again.
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OW, MY BRAHMAS!!!
I don’t know, it sounds like he got a pretty sweet deal.
*high-fives self*
Madame, may I cut in on this high-five?
Want to make it a three-way?
Actually grass is the best thing for cows to eat. They have evolved to sustain completely on grass. Our farmers feed them corn because it’s cheaper than grass (corn production is subsidized). Of course, corn is not nearly as good for them and it produces a lower quality meat than grass-fed cows, but nobody wants us to know that. Look it up.
Good point, we were already in Idiocracy.
They feed cattle corn because it makes the cows fat and they sell beef by the pound. And quality is relative. Grass fed beef is a nice change of pace, but no one – no American anyway – is going to drop $50 for a lean, kinda gamey ribeye at Capital Grille.
the idiocracy to me is dedicating corn to ethanol production in the first place.
That was the first domino of stupid to fall.
I’ve seen in cartoons where they tried to make Chocolate Milk like this but I never thought anyone would actually try it.
“Second-hand candy?” Odd concept. I got a Chuckles out of that. I wonder if these cows still give Milk or are they Duds? Guess the farmer who discovered this is now a Jolly Rancher.
And the cow who finds the Golden Ticket gets a tour of the abattoir!
That made me laugh way too hard. I think it was the use of “abattoir.”
This only makes sense if he’s feeding the cows candy corn.
SOYLENT BEEF IS SPRINKLES!
“the cows have not shown any health problems from eating the candy”. Just wait until their next dental check-up. Not to mention the risk of Juvebovine Diabetes.
Juvebovine Diabetes… more commonly known as Type Moo diabetes.
“This ration is balanced to have not too much fat in it”
Wouldn’t the problem in the nutrition mix be with the amount of sugar, not fat? The majority of candies can actually claim to be low fat, since they are mainly sugar.
Don’t use logic and reasoning. Not allowed.
I guess they don’t have grass in Kentucky?
They do, but good luck getting it away from Mags Bennett’s clan.
Justified boner. Engage.
In addition to blowing impressively large bubbles with their chewing gum, the Mayfield cows have also been spotted wearing sunglasses & telling farmhands to “suck it”
The farmer tried to convince the cows to Eat Mor Chikn but his herd is in favor of same-sex marriage rights.
Aquaman in A VIEW OF THE OCEAN
Aquaman, thu king of Atlantoast had to go tow the surface landd. Hwkman and Metammopho had usked him meat them at a newt bar in Cincinatti. They had gown there once befar and both got laid by too oozy chikkz. Aquiman secretly hopped for that two hippin far heem since Mara had gotten lumpoo after havng dumb booby. He get to bar and it smell of dingoes and cuckumbers. He see Hawkman having a 16 feet tall cup of alchohol while talking upp a blonde bamboo. “Hi! Merriest grootings Bird brain!” said Aquaman while eyeing the female, getting harder each nono-second he saw hair and wheel tanned skins. “I glad come you Arthu. Me buy you drink almost heafy as my dates chust.” The bimbow giggled as both supermen pimpyed and preened while sipping up whusky. “Bowth you so strong and honky” said bamboo while strumming her blonde her. Both of them a little drank sew they rent pinthouse near the beech to slope on. Hwkman fall sleep own coach while Aquaman make mauve on blondy. “You arc super prutty. More than Wandy Women!” “Tunk you. Kiss me herd.” Aquiman and the blonde bab lock lips and kiss wyle feelingg echothr’s boots. Then they stop. Blonde looks at the seventy seas outside window, enjoying the vew. The sght fall her with zo mulch happinest she take off bra and leep onto Aquaman. His hands pinch her al over while shhe take off pantz. Sweat pour over them as Aquaman licks her tummi. She scratches at Aquaman’s choots so viciously she ripe off the orang shells and all his clothes fell apurt. They enter ech other with furry infarnso of lust. It was like a tidil wafe crashing upon the rocky beaches of Borlovlia. They full off mor energy than a starm. They kiss while there arms squeez tho otters body. They on each other like gorilla on dwayne swansoon. “I larv this sew much!” scream Aquiman to new lova. He grab hair chest and play with purtz. She moaned as the light of the full moon twilkydd ofer them. The haet of thar wet moment was ruined when Hwkman wake up. Hawkmnn ws filed with rage wen he seee the Atloonnten in mid–sux with hiz hoor. “Athur! What thu heell!” Aquaman waglled eyebrro wike a snake:s tail and siad “She went rel man with the powah 2 giff her an okean view!” Hwkmon eyes like nwow of a buil kuz he want mor lay timee. Then sudnily door busted open. It was Elliot Stabler fom Law & Ordr: sVU! “What ur you do-ung inn me dahtah!” He shotted with raggge. “DADDY!!!” Skareem The bloond chikk “Wehutt you want noww!!!!??))” “I alreooudy found yo a man frend! I told Skott Pilgrumm you wood sleep with him. I will tak you tow him knoww!!!!” “NO!!! You mystt fite all my sevvenn evil superhero manfroondz!” Und wiff a snap o’ har fingarz ape-eared 5 otha zuperheoz. Lyon-0, Warr Maknine, Planatear Wheeler, Liggtningg MacKween, and Pabu the fire furrit all had arrived to arn hur luv bi beet’n upur dada! Elloit just gwiggld likc a clonwe and snapped his robotic hand “Behold like a swan it appurs and rianz fyre from blelww thu okean and so du moon says itz goodby and a dawn errupz on the girl of mee bulud!” A hellish portelle open uppin the wall and out came warriors of his own. They were Zak Efrom! George Clonny! Slenna Gomaz! Lrray tHe Cabla goy! Chuck NORRIS!!! Jhnnoy depppppppp! And Adum Sand1er! Their eyez al locked. The car has eyes too. They beggan to fight and then Ellot and Bamboo grant wesh and let them fightt! Aquaman eats Gomez out aganzt well. She like no no much. Cloony and Stacbler rip Pabu’s armz of lead apurt and tozz tham to Lray who beats Wheelr withut/! Deppppp is a prik headed lame boy so he slap War Machine with a towel of rose puddeng. Hye just stars in dasbelefi and Lyo-NO stabs Johnny to doom. The Red Car of Pixar rapes Adam but then stooppz and haz hart attuk. NORRIS goes to TV and watches STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE’S BERRY BITTY ADVENTURES on demand to spite Hawkman who is a brony who luvz Applejak perverslee! “BRILLIANT MOVE CHUCK” shouts Larry the Cabla goy who comes to watch toe. Hawkmon upzet cause hee thank pony shuld be only cartune? Only Aquamaon, Hwkman, War Maknen, and Lion-Yo remain as Stablerz surfying knights )SAVE for rapped Gomes, rapd Sandlar, and Efron who Wheller blasted when he fart camme in.( went to watch STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE’S BERRY BITTY ADVENTURES and live it up for the next 4 years togetther in the penthouse which was graet since Aquaman zoon befrendded them and gafe them a view of the ocean. ENDAGE
Yeah, don’t mess with Texas.
This bears all the stylistic marks of Vince’s “Twilight” fan-fic, I think he’s going for a “50 Shades of Gray” cross-over here.
I especially like “furry infarnso of lust.” Much more evocative than “fiery infierno.”
What the fuck is this?
They’ve finally figured out how to weaponize diabetes by combining it with heart disease.
I don’t see the problem here. Just more delicious meat for my FuttBuckers burgers.
Are the candy cows tended by oompa loompas? (Loompi?)
This will result in beef jerky that tastes like Fruit Rollups.
Finally! I’ve been having difficulty stuffing more syrup in my McGriddles but this magnificent country of ours has found the solution.
Well, its not quite tomacco, but we’re getting closer.
Cow feed has been doused in high fructose corn syrup for decades. It’s always been candy.
I hope the sell the milk as Mountain “Moo”
As the resident professional food person (are there others? I don’t care)
THIS IS AWEEEESOOOOOME! I love candy. I love cows.
No really. That pop was my head exploding into a thousand rage fragments.