"Siri, design a woman reckless and incoherent enough to date me. ...Excellent."

It’s been 12 years since the first Scary Movie and six years since the last installment (Scary Movie 4), but Dimension is determined to relaunch the franchise that gave us Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg (as the fifth and sixth credited screenwriters on Scary Movie, respectively). Seltzer, Friedberg, and all the Wayans brothers are gone now (in favor of Undercover Brother‘s Malcolm Lee), but fans of the franchise will be relieved to know that Scary Movie 5 still have stunt casting and lazy pop culture jokes from 18 months ago. I MEAN WHAT’S UP WITH LINDSAY LOHAN, YOU GUYS, AM I RIGHT??

While no offer had been made to Lohan as of early July, we hear now that she has officially signed on.
Her rep said that, “as of right this moment,” she had not inked a deal, but all insiders are in agreement that she is definitely doing the movie.
Sources also say that the ever-comebacking Charlie Sheen, despite being uncomfortably killed off in Scary Movie 4, will be back for the next sequel, which is being touted as a complete reboot of the franchise and is due in theaters Jan. 11, 2013. [EOnline]

Well hopefully we’ll have developed a time machine by January, 2013 to take viewers back to 2010 when those jokes were still funny. God, what happened to the spoof movie? Leslie Nielsen needs to rise from the grave and slap the sh*t out of everyone involved in this, Airplane style.

And just to make it extra relevant, the “plot” is a parody of Black Swan:

The story in “Scary Movie 5″ involves the dance world, with a snooty, aloof, imperious, and oversexed French director of a dance company named Pierre putting on a huge production. Jody, a Caucasian late-20′s mother of two and her late-20′s African American friend Kendra are both vying for the lead in the production. Jody’s extremely controlling former dancer mother is determined that Jody will have the brilliant career that eluded her. The highly skilled mid-30′s Diva veteran dancer with the company, Heather Daltry, gets cut from the production and goes berserk. [casting notice, via Vulture]

Get it??? It’s Black Swan, but one of the dancers is African American! And there’s a French guy named “Pierre!” Goodness, how do they ever think of this stuff?? I hope there’s also a pugnacious Irishman named Paddy, a German named Fritz, and a sailor who swears a lot, just to round out the list of stereotypes from the twenties. Say, pally, have you evah noticed how much these colored fellas love to dance? Why I know me a colored fella, loves dancin’ more than a Chinaman loves a bargain! Damnedest thing I evah hoid!