"Hmm, well that one looks like a bat-- OH GOD WHY IS YOUR SKIN THAT COLOR?!"
Today we've got a new batch of images from Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master, and if these are any indication, two thirds of the film will consist of Joaquin Phoenix staring broodily out into the middle distance. Not that I'm complaining, no one brood-stares like Joaqy-P, I always say. Hey, remember not too long ago when he was wearing a cape and pooping on people? The guy's got range, you have to admit.
Meanwhile, Philip Seymour Hoffman took the opportunity to remind everyone that his character is NOT L. Ron Hubbard and the film is NOT about Scientology, thankyouverymuch seriouslythoughpleasedon'tsueus.
"It's not the L. Ron Hubbard story," Hoffman told Entertainment Weekly in this weekend's issue via C&V. "[Scientology] was one of the bigger movements at the time, but there were a lot of movements at that time. There's nothing about how I'm behaving or talking that echoes [Hubbard]. I thought of a lot of other bigger-than-life personalities, charismatic people like Orson Welles. Joaquin's character is like a beaten dog," says Hoffman. "No matter where he goes, [Quell] gets into severe trouble. And somehow I'm able to deal with him."
"Seriously though, there were lots of other movements. You know like, uh... you know, that one? With the dude? The hat guy? Guy who was always... wearin' hats? Ol' whatshisface? That was a crazy movement, huh? ...It'll come to me, gimme a sec."
Here's PSH marrying the happy couple on his movement's boat, the Sea Org-- uh... uh... I mean, the.. Boat... Arrangement. That's it. The Boat Arrangement.
Here's Amy Adams teaching her baby about the spirits of dead aliens, known as "thimbles."
No, go ahead, just lay any direction you like, it's a laidback boat.
Easy way to make someone look crazy? Shirt buttoned all the way to the top with no tie. The only people who do that are either crazy, autistic, or Elijah Wood on Wilfred, who is so effeminate that I think he might be an actual sprite.
See? Top button = crazy.
BROOD STARE.
DOUBLE BROOD STARE.
TRIPLE BROOD STARE, HOSPITAL EDITION (WITH CRAZY ARM BEND).
HELP ME L. RON HUBBARD, I CAN'T STOP A-BROODIN!
He looks like he's thinking of doing something crazy, like writing "BYE GOOD" on his knuckles and freestyling and letting a guy poop on him while he pretends to sleep. Good thing he's actually had that experience and can draw on it. That's a little something we like to call method acting.
[via ThePlaylist]
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I’m not the only one who sees Joaquin turning into Mel Gibson though, right?
Hey, take it easy, Sweet Tits.
Well, they did play brothers in Signs.
Hey, I can think of plenty of cool guys who wear shirts buttoned all the way up with no tie. Forrest Gump…Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade…a couple of the guys in Revenge of the Nerds…um…
OK, point conceded.
Boyd Crowder.
But I wear button shirts buttoned all the way!
1990′s Crips.
Scientology has to address this sooner or later, right? They’re obviously trying to keep cool and not draw any attention to it, but, much like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, crazy always comes out eventually.
If you’re going to go after a religion, I always say its best to invent a fake one that’s almost exactly like the real one, but doesn’t have any followers.
You know, like “Fuck Izlem and the Prophet Moe Hemet!”, or “Death to the Joos and the Syanist scourge!”
See how that works? Everyone’s happy. You’re not offended, and I’m not a Nazi.
There were lots of movements, like The Movementarians, MindHead and the Church of Moe. Only two of which were veiled references themselves to Scientology.
If they ever decided to do a Forest Gump 2, and Hanks was unavailable, I can think of no better choice than Jokey-P, as he’s now called. It’s the role he was born to play.
Master of celebs, pulling their strings
Twist a few facts to avoid getting creamed
Make damn sure they can’t sue a thing
Just change the name, and with impunity scream:
Master!
I think I remember that cult that Orson Welles led in the Fifties. The Church of the Snow Globe or Magnificent Amber-Visions or Arkadin-ism or something.
But I never joined because I couldn’t make the weight limit.
I think I read somewhere that Orsen Welles only masturbated using the decapitated heads of dead hookers on a stick.
True visionary.
Please please please let this finally be the much needed catalyst for buttoning to the top.