After the jump, I’ve got the first two teasers from Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel, starring handsome Brit Henry Cavill, with Russell Crowe, and Amy Adams. All our superheroes are played by British and Australian guys now, because young American actors can’t reach adulthood without the Disney Channel turning them into lesbians anymore. Anyway, the teaser is mostly b-roll-type footage, where Superman, sporting a mountain man beard, starts out working on a crab boat. At some point he’ll have to master his own destiny and shave off his beard and become the hero we know he can be, because Jesus Christ, that happens in every action movie. Just once I’d like to see a hero whose destiny involved a sick Fu Manchu. Anyway, it’s hard to tell whether it will be a good movie just yet, but it already looks like an awesome jeans commercial.

This one’s voiced by Kevin Costner. There’s an alternate version voiced by Russell Crowe below:

The film also stars Laurence Fishburne Daily Planet editor-in-chief, Perry White. Starring as Clark Kent’s adoptive parents, Martha and Jonathan Kent, are Diane Lane and Kevin Costner.

Squaring off against the superhero are two other surviving Kryptonians, the villainous General Zod, played by Michael Shannon, and Faora, Zod’s evil partner, played by Antje Traue. Also from Superman’s native Krypton are Lara Lor-Van, Superman’s mother, played by Ayelet Zurer, and Superman’s father, Jor-El, portrayed by Russell Crowe. Rounding out the cast are Harry Lennix as U.S. military man General Swanwick, as well as Christopher Meloni as Colonel Hardy.[ComingSoon]

Get it? One version has Superman’s biological space dad, the other his adopted Earth dad. Guess which one had a bigger sandwich budget.