The untold story! ...Of web shooters! Amazing!
This is part one of a series, the best and worst movie of the summer so far. Check back soon for part two.
Look, we all know The Amazing Spider-Man didn’t get made because someone out there was absolutely dying to share with the world the “untold story” of Spider-Man’s origin. I think we were all okay with “dude gets bit by spider, gains superpowers,” without having to revisit it and explore all the footnotes (ooh, but what color hair did his girlfriend have? and what sports did the popular kids at his high school play?). It got made because Sony had to make something or else risk their rights reverting to Marvel. Whatever their motives, clearly it’s the exact opposite of a passion project. That said, the story of the 2012 has been one of business-decision movies that had no right to be good… actually turning out… kind of good (21 Jump Street was great, American Wedding Reunion had its moments, and even Men in Black 3 wasn’t the worst thing ever). In 2012, cautious optimism for yet another Spider-Man movie wasn’t a ridiculous notion. Sadly, The Amazing Spider-Man is the exception that proves the rule, a perfect example of a movie that sounds like a terrible idea actually turning out terrible. It feels like a bunch of talented people trying really hard to give a sh*t about a story no one could really be expected to give a sh*t about. Turns out, no, there is no ghost in the machine. It seemed like a waste of time because it is one.
"Hey... Can I borrow a scarf and cardigan?"
Okay, so Peter Parker is in high school, right? And he’s not popular, apparently because he wears lots of layers of shirts. Why is it wearing twelve different layers of shirts seems to be movie shorthand for unpopularity? Especially when it’s so clearly meant to inspire affection from the audience. Anyway, Shirty McShirterson shirts around his high school taking pictures of stuff on his old-timey film camera, I guess because he appreciates obsolete technologies. He somehow manages to piss off the head jock, Flash*, who gives Peter one of those movie beatings where multiple, brutal right crosses land flush on the face and it only leaves cute little scrapes around the guy’s eyes and mouth. Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone, looking wicked hot in miniskirts and knee-high socks) comes to his aid because giraffe-necked-dudes make her panties moist, and there isn’t too much conflict there, because between Peter standing up to the bully everyone hates in front of everyone, and the super-hot chick totally wanting to do him, it seems like he has things pretty well figured. I’m supposed to pity this guy? I want to cross swords with him in that body swap fountain from The Change-Up.
"Doesn't it suck how unpopular I am? ...Hey, you want to skip class and bang each other?"
Oh, except that his parents mysteriously disappeared when he was a kid, a plot point that serves almost zero purpose in this story. In fact, aside from the parent thing, the fact that the love interest is named Gwen and not Mary-Jane, and that the bad guy is Curt Connors instead of Norman Osborne, everything is exactly the same as it was in Raimi’s first Spider-Man movie. Only this one just treads water with irrelevant minutia between major plot points (I assume to avoid copying everything), which are predictable as it is. It doesn’t set anything up. Things happen because we expect those things to happen. Meanwhile, it overcompensates with an overbearing score that tries to make us feel something during scenes that evoke nothing, like when Peter and Gwen first kiss (a foregone conclusion from the first five minutes of the movie), and the background music sounds like a magical waterfall made of rainsticks.
There isn’t even a real thrill of discovery when Peter gets his powers (which was most of the fun of the first Raimi Spider-Man). Instead, we get one rushed scene of Peter skateboarding around a warehouse. By the way, where the f*ck is this magical empty playground of a warehouse that some kid can just rail grind around, anyway? I lived in New York three years, I must have missed that. And if he can basically fly around swinging from rafters and scale sheer sky scrapers with his spider hands, why would he bother with the dumb skateboard? Is there some half-pipe competition later that we don’t know about? Do I want to watch Superman rollerblade?
Likewise, Curt Connors (played by Rhys Ifans) just sort of turns evil all of a sudden. There’s no real rhyme or reason other than that they realized way too late that Spider-man actually needs someone to fight. One day Connors goes from benevolent scientist who wants to use cross-species genetics to cure disease, into a homicidal lizard man who wants to… turn everyone… into… lizards? Wait, really? That‘s his big plan? To make more lizard people? What the f*ck?
"I successfully regrew my own hand! Time to kill everyone for some reason!"
The plot is a perfect mix of things we already know, things that don’t make sense, and things no one cares about. Flash, for instance, shifts from evil to good to pathetic and back again more often than Luke in the first season of the OC**. The bigger problem is, you never know why he’s actually there. He’s totally extraneous to the plot, and it seems pretty clear that he’s only around because they need to introduce us to someone who’s going to play a factor in the sequels. And there’s nothing worse than a movie counting its sequels before they hatch. You’re worried about sequels? You didn’t even finish writing this one.
"You've humiliated me for the last time, Peter Parker! Let's be best friends!"
The way the story just flounders then skips from one major beat to the next has the effect of making you wish they’d just skip to the end, which turns out to be even worse than the beginning. Green Lantern and Spider-Man 3, those movies were silly. This one is just boring. In fact, The Amazing Spider-Man is probably the most boring movie ever made about a giant lizard man who slithers around the city eating people.
GRADE: D
*Come on, really? “Flash?” Spider-man has been around for 40 years. Even if you’re dead set on staying perfectly faithful to the comic books, there are plenty of characters to choose from without having to use a bully named “Flash.” No one’s buying a bully named Flash or Slash or Biff or Spliff or Zing or Kablooey in 2012. People don’t nickname bullies after Batman sound effects anymore.
**Remember that guy? First he was the bad guy, then he wasn’t so bad, then his dad turned out to be gay and everyone felt sorry for him, then he died in a car crash or something? That was weird.
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Yeah, but was their first kiss half upside down? And nipply? That second part might just make the movie worthwhile.
I dug this one more than the Raimi one. Sue me.
Flash outdated? Yes, because we all know jocks don’t have cheesy nicknames these days.. except for Cadillac Williams… or Champ Bailey… or Colt McCoy….
If your name was “Carnell” you probably would prefer to be called anything else too. And Champ’s brother’s name is Boss so high fives to Mr. and Mrs. Bailey.
Colt’s not a nickname.
This review nailed it.
Do I want to watch Superman rollerblade?
You may not, but I’d pay a ton to see it.
SPOILER ALERT:
Coldplay is playing during the “learning to use powers” montage.
Coldplay!
That basically says it all.
No offense, but who looks at a picture of The Love Guru, and says
“HOLY SHIT, THIS NEEDS TO BE MY AVATAR!”?
There’s a weird comma in there.
I forgot about that. Wasn’t 500 DAYS OF SUMMER supposed to be all hip and shit? First Bono does the musical and next he’s listening to Coldplay – Peter Parker is OLD.
The OC?
Did Danger Guerrero write this post?
I almost scrolled back to check the byline.
If you play this movie backwards, you’ll hear Willem Dafoe heading up a poetry slam in James Franco’s graduate course at Columbia.
If there had never ever been a Spider-Man movie made before, this would be a great movie. As it stands, you went through all this effort just to change his spider-jizz to silly string guns?
The finished product absolutely stank of a last second re-edit to keep stuff for a sequel.
One of my biggest peeves about this movie is web shooters. Even the cartoon and comic has Spiderman with web shooters. SPIDERMAN SPIDERMAN DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN. I’m gonna freak out when I see a spider with highly mechanized web shooters dangling in my face when I turn on a light in the basement. And I haven’t even seen the damn movie yet.
if he was doing it like a spider… would that mean he would be shooting the webbing out of his ass?
That wouldn’t make you want to see the movie?
They’re saving that for the porn parody
The first Spider Man had Joe Manganiello playing Flash. That was totally acceptable – say the ladies.
American Reunion?
I left the theater thinking “This wasn’t terrible! If the first movie never existed this may have been considered ‘good’” But then I read your review and all your complaints are perfectly justified. And came across this line:
“Emma Stone, looking wicked hot in miniskirts and knee-high socks”
and realized why I left the theater thinking “This movie wasn’t terrible!”
Sigh. Just like when the Avengers came out, and everyone bitched about Nick Fury being black, some people think they know the source material and are woefully mistaken. Also like the Avengers, this film is based on the Ultimate universe version of Spider-Man, where there is more to the story than just being bitten by a radioactive spider.
Did you think there was only one spider, or that it only ever bit one person?
Sam Raimi made a two great movies about the original Spider-Man, and this one is about the other Spider-Man. Peter Parker’s parents play an important role in how he came to be who he is. “Flash” is just a nickname for a kid named Eugene, who becomes important later in the story.
Is this really all too much for you get your heads around. If it is, go rent Green Hornet.
can you spoil for me who Flash turns out to be? Is it Venom or Carnage or something like that or someone else?
I’m sorry…when is the part of your post coming where you laugh all that off and make a joke about pushing a nerd into a locker? I’m so confused, what the hell site am I on?
The Ultimate Universe is trash and the one good thing about it (Spiderman) got killed and replaced by Childish Gambino.
NERDS BE NERDING.
In an interview the actor playing Flash in this expressed interest in becoming Venom in the Venom spin off movie (WAIT WHAT? they are making a Venom spin off movie?)
Also Farthammer gets a +1 for the CG reference.
In my Ultimate Universe, people that bring up this shit are never not being swirlie-d. NERDS!
I get that it’s referencing those things, my point is that judging it only by this stand-alone movie, it does nothing with them. Peter Parker’s parents play an important role in how he came to be who he is, SHOW US THAT. All the movie offers is him finding an old equation in a suitcase. That was it.
Also, did you think I thought Flash was stupid because I didn’t realize it was a nickname? I thought it was stupid because I have a hard time believing a white kid who plays basketball is getting nicknamed “Flash” in 2012. You can cry foul about me criticizing something they got from the source material, but the source material is old. You have to update that shit sometimes if it’s going to be set in a modern world.
Flash becomes Ultimate Orgasmo, who pushes nerds into lockers, and jizzes all over them. Spoiler alert.
Seriously, if you didn’t like the movie, that’s fine. All “first” superhero movies drag ass setting up the backstory, but don’t “WTF?” all over the place just because you’re not familiar with the story.
Why not? If you have to read years of comic back story for the movie to make sense, the movie has failed.
Vince, Ultimate Spider-Man came out in 2000. As for revealing Peter’s entire backstory in one movie, I for one am glad that George Lucas didn’t write and direct this film. Instead of talking about The Lizard or web shooters, we’d all be bitching about how wooden Denis Leary was, and how Ray Ray the Spider-Dog ruined the movie.
FLASH A-AH
Savior of the Universe
FLASH A-AH
He’ll save every one of us
I have never ruined anything, ever. Except your rug that one time your forgot to walk me.
I “WTF” at stuff I feel is “WTF”-worthy. Whether it was invented for the movie or came from the source is irrelevant. I’m reviewing the MOVIE, not evaluating how faithful it was to the source.
Flash by name, flash by nature!
Yeah…except they screwed up most of the Ultimate references too. The fact of the matter is this move screwed up the most important moral of Spider-Man’s heritage: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. It glosses over the fact that Uncle Ben was Peter’s father figure and his inspiration, and instead decided to make Peter go all “Batman Begins” by become a vigilante bent on vengeance.
Settle down, Vince. A movie review is an opinion, just as a criticism of that review is. My only problem with your review can all be boiled down to this single line: “The plot is a perfect mix of things we already know, things that don’t make sense, and things no one cares about.”
Some of your WTF moments were not so much incongruities in the plot of “the MOVIE” in and of itself, but rather conflicts between what you thought you knew about the source material, and what was presented in “the MOVIE.”
All of that aside, if you’re going to review movies, you have to expect that someone is going to disagree with your opinion, and be okay with that. I’m not saying the movie was perfect – it did drag a bit in the first act, and wrap up a little too quickly and cleanly in the third – but to take issue with a character’s name, or the fact that a comic book movie left you with some open questions, is a little silly.
I’m just responding to your opinion, not your right to have an opinion. I thought half the reason we have this comments section is so people can argue about shit.
If I’m watching a 1940s period piece, and a kid’s nickname is “SWAGGSTARR” I’m gonna think it’s a bit out of place.
“thought half the reason we have this comments section is so people can argue about shit”
No 100% of the reason you have this comments section is so we can read racist jokes by Dingus and ironic sexist jokes by Chino
So-called “movie talk” has absolutely no place whatsoever in the Film Drunk comment section.
Also to be fair, I think that Coldplay song is the only decent Coldplay song they have.
Vince, you would totally buy a bully named Spliff if he was played by Method Man.
Hey! I wanna’ turn people into lizards!
No, check that, leathery sun damaged scat freaks. I’m not a lizard.
“Leathery Sun-Damaged Scat-Freak” would be the greatest supervillain EVER.
“Let the cheerleaders go, Leathery Sun-Damaged Scat-Freak!”
“NO! I wanna poop on them! Film meeeeeeeeeee!!!”
I’m afraid you know too much, sir. I can’t let you live.
I don’t really care what they do as long as in the 3rd or 4th movie or however long they drag this out someone gets thrown off a bridge, someone loses his shit and beats the green goblin to death.
^nice way to show what you’re talking about without being too spoilery to all the n00bs
Apparently, the world still needed more Spider-Men.
Yeah, I pretty much felt the same way.
Oh, and also “Emo Parker” > “Hipster Parker” any day of the week.
No dude. Just no.
What they’ve done – and it’s really quite clever, Vince – is taken the experience of reading through an entire comic book series over the course of a summer at your Grandparents’ and matched it IN REAL TIME! The dead-behind-the-eyes yawns, the mild rushes of excitement from papercuts – THEY’RE ALL THERE! LIVE IN THE THEATRE!
Damn, Mancini. That was a well-written review. Its almost like you went to writing school or something like that.
The only thing this version of Peter Parker is missing is a PBR.
I actually enjoyed the movie… I think it is the victim of editing. If there were ot be a directors cut of this movie it would be a lot better.
I’ll go with that. It definitely felt hacked to shit and re-written at the last minute.
Now as for “counting sequels” I just think this is designed to set up a franchise not a trilogy. As I wrote in the discussion on Gamma Squad the movie really fell victim to Spider-Man 3. Had that movie not closed every plot point in that world they could have just recast and continue. So they rebooted…had they not we would have argued that the movie either completely ignores Spider-Man 3 or just contradicted itself.
If that’s the case, why the hell is this movie two and a half hours long? If it was any longer it’d just be all the dailies strung together.
I enjoyed it too, and would add that it’s a victim of shitty sound. What the fuck was with that loud piano note when the Lizard was hunting Gwen? And Coldplay?
What I liked about the movie: Peter Parker was a more believable outcast in this one than in the first trilogy (at least where I grew up, the kid that got picked on and ostracized wasn’t always the dweeby virgin), which also cast a hot guy made to look nerdy by putting on glasses or drab clothing (see also: Saved by the Bell, Kickass).
What I didn’t like: score/soundtrack, editing, plotting issues and that final scene and shot.
There were a ton of scenes in trailers and tv spots that were no where to be found in the final film. I feel like the entire “Peter’s Parents” story was dropped at the last minute, hence no more “The Untold Story”.
it wasn’t 2.5 hours the movie run time is only 120 mins once you remove all the stupid previews.Rumors before it came out was that Sony had them redo the editing. You can tell that there were more time devoted to the lizards video diaries.
I forgot everything I read after the stuff about Emma Stone’s panties being moist.
+1
anyone else think it’s hilarious that the only thing Vince “CANNOT BELIEVE” is that a guy is named “Flash” in a movie about a little dork who gets super strength, is able to climb walls and bang girls way hotter that he should ever expect to bang?
Yeah, the NAME is the hard part to believe… *rolls eyes, hits vince mancini dart board square between eyes with dart.*
Don’t accidentally hit his hair; the dart’ll never get out of that tangly mess. It’s also worth very few points.
“…a homicidal lizard man who wants to… turn everyone… into… lizards? Wait, really? That‘s his big plan? To make more lizard people? What the f*ck?”
Lizard men gonna lizard.
boy you really don’t like comic book movies other than Batman don’t you?
You had me at, “looking wicked hot in miniskirts and knee-high socks” Tobey Maguire (don’t care if I spelled it right) is a terrible actor a ruined all the original* movies.
I guess I liked it. As blasphemic as this may sound to some: it felt kinda Zodiac-y (and I would fuck that movie if it only has one ho… oh hi there, DVD). I even think both movies share the same screenwriter … though the one thing isn´t necessarily connected to the other, nvrmnd.
What I wanted to say: I pretty much loved the cinematography (but the ugly cuts) … sometimes this it all it needs to satisfy me (besides a hole).
Wait wait wait. So the movie about the male strippers is good but the movie about the twink with a body suit fetish is bad?
Obviously
Ty Morton needs to calm the fuck down. Christ.
And change his name if he’s gonna hang ’round these parts getting all worked up over shit. Confuses my brain.
Ah, the age old argument of, “you can’t properly judge this story without reading all the stories this story was based on.” Yes, yes we can. Each entertainment medium needs to stand alone and if a movie is boring, it’s boring.
I agree, but I thought that for once this was a comic book movie that was enjoyable without having to swallow Wikipedia.
I even think reading all the stories this story was based on would harm your enjoyment.
Fantastic movie. Andrew Garfield’s Peter Parker looked actually like an actual student, interactions between characters were great (Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield – brilliant), and the film looked good (despite all I’ve read, I think it was beautiful, Oscorp Lab especially)
The movie made sense, and I was thrilled to find a lighter tone than in the previous ones. No “with great power comes great responsibilities” BS or Aunt May constantly preventing Parker from having a single good time in his life that can be found in Spiderman history. It was just the story of a rather awkward but brilliant student who gets superpowers inadvertently, and tries to live his life. That’s what Spiderman always has been (and should be), and why people have been able to relate to him for so long.
And hell, I was so relieved to see that after so many times of Peter Parker dealing with grief, chaos, and deals with the devil (ugh), he can say : screw that shit, I’m gonna be happy for once, *spoiler alert* screw that forced promise and let me be the ruler of my own life.
PS: Strawberry Swing would have been a better Coldplay song.
PPS: Oh God Emma Stone was amazing
I’m astonished by how wrong you are about this, and feel like you’re actively trying to stir up some level of controversy by putting this as THE worst movie of the summer and MAGIC MIKE AS THE BEST! CAPS LOCK!
This was my favourite Marvel movie, they nailed it. It has obvious flaws, which you just have to look past if you’re going to be watching a comic book movie that is clearly made for a younger audience than anyone posting on here. I saw several kids walking out of the theatre talking about how much they loved it (I can’t wait for it to be on DVD I’m buying it right away! He’s my favourite now and Hulks second!), and yes, kids are stupid – but I guarantee you they didn’t come out of Wolverine or Green Lantern or Spiderman 3 saying that.
This was who Spiderman is, and if you don’t like that then you’re just going to have to tune out. It’s a silly premise. This is the first of a trilogy (at least), and you want them to fully explain the missing parents? Give them some time. The chemistry between Garfield and every other character was perfect. The home life was perfect. Gwen Stacy was perfect.
Flash was stupid, yes. The name? No. That’s a ridiculous thing to focus on so heavily. Change two letters and you have Smash from Friday Night Lights – it’s a dumb nickname but it should in no way change your viewing of the film. I can just picture your ironic eye rolls in the theatre when you type something like that. The Lizard is also a silly villain, but I think they realized that and just rolled with it, which was great. I went from hating the character design to loving how they managed to make it silly but at the same time a genuine threat, not some ridiculous looking shiny metallic mask three times too big to be fighting in.
The tone, acting, and much of the action was just handled great. It was the first 3D movie I cared to see in 3D in a long time, and probably my favorite example of 3D – the shots were held long enough for your eyes to adjust and flowed so perfectly.
It was great.
I think you nailed it.
The movie gave the audience the opportunity to dream.
The name “Flash” did not ruin my enjoyment of the movie, that’s why the Flash thing was a footnote. The fact that it was a shitty movie ruined my enjoyment of the movie. It promised to tell “the untold story” and basically just told the same story from Raimi’s Spider-man with a couple of twists, most of which were totally half-assed. This was your favorite Marvel movie? Better than Spider-Man 2, The Avengers, Iron Man, or any of the X-Men movies? You’re out of your mind. I don’t even know what to say you if you actually think that. I LOVE the idea of The Lizard as the villain, they just did a fucking horrible job telling his story. His motivations were murky and his big plan at the end was just dumb. I thought the visual effects were largely pretty great. I’ll definitely concede that if I was looking solely at visual effects and just completely ignored everything else then this one was pretty solid. But I have a hard time enjoying visual effects if I’m not into the story.
I’m a comic book fan. This movie nailed the tone and character more than any other Marvel movie. I loved X Men First Class, and X Men 2, but those also have some pretty serious flaws – I just think this movie did everything better than those ones. All previous Spiderman movies were not good. I don’t understand the praise they receive, and while it is certainly soon to be doing an origin story, when the product is better than any attempt before it, I’ll welcome the superior movie regardless of timing.
If you went in expecting “the untold story,” then that’s on you. You shouldn’t base an opinion on a movie before going into it from a tagline in the trailers. It’s just marketing. When you see Paul Blart is the best comedy of the decade in it’s trailers, I should hope you wouldn’t go in expecting Zoolander.
The Lizard was just all lizardy, man. You just have to take that leap and accept that now that he has this weird Lizard DNA it just kind of turns him bad. Do they need more than that? He’s a giant lizard, he’s bad.
I understand if you’re fatigued with origin stories, especially with the influx of super hero movies lately. But every single bit of this movie was better than the Raimi movies. I thought the same thing and was hoping they would have just brushed over the origin like they did in The Incredible Hulk – but then I saw the movie, and as a fan saw them actually making a Spiderman movie the way Spiderman is in the comic books, and enjoyed the fuck out of it.
i have to shit so hard right now.
I don’t know what Crack you all be smoking but this is the superior Spiderman movie, Garfield totally nailed the Peter Parker/Spiderman role. The crock looked a little like an oversized goomba from super mario bros, but other than that the film was fun. The only groan worthy moment was the crane scene I take it this scene was added so americans can clap at the screen but other than these things I enjoyed the hell outta this movie.
PS: Emma Stone in mini skirts and boots yes please
Oh man I agree entirely with your review plus more. If you’re going to reboot a movie that broke all sorts of Box Office records within 10 years of it being released you gotta make sure it’s a whole heap better or why else bother? I was so worked up I wrote a 2 part review myself. It’s very detailed. Check it out and let me know what you think – [aceability.wordpress.com]
a f’n D????????? christ some people are SCARY dumb! its the best movie of the year, moron and will stay that way even after dark knight. pathetic ‘tards
it’s a story about a kid who gets bit by a spider, and gains spider abilities. a scientist who experiments on w/ lizards and turns into a lizard. same people complaining about this, probably complained about talking car robots from outerspace.
great movie that my son, sister and I enjoyed.
adios douchebags.
I w
Because lizards are wiry! (Did I get that in time?)
Vince, this is actually the first time that I have read one of your reviews and largely disagreed with you. Aside from the fact that you are being comically snarky and hyperbolic, I felt that you were reviewing the movie not on its own, but rather as compared to the Raimi trilogy alone. Say what you will about nerd rage in regards to the source material, but actually do yourself the credit of reviewing the movie on its own as opposed to how it holds up to the other movies. I got the distinct feeling that you went into this movie with the intention of hating it, and that’s fine. But I think calling it the worst movie of the summer is a little much, and the fact that it was worse than Green Lantern? Um….did you read your Green Lantern review?
I think calling it the worst movie of the summer is a little much, and the fact that it was worse than Green Lantern? Um….did you read your Green Lantern review?
Did you read your calendar?
Because Green Lantern came out in the summer of 2011.
Good news Vince (sort of ???) the half in the bag guys (the people responsible for those really long but deceptively good Star War reviews) concur!!
As much as I REALLY wanted to like this movie, I just couldn’t bring myself to call it better than Raimi’s first entry of his trilogy. The best parts of the movie were Spidey swinging around the city and the camera would use a first person POV angle to kinda give it a 3-D motion ride at an amusement park (which ironically Universal Studios has the VERY same ride) and it almost felt like that. I loved Emma Stone as Gwen Stacey and really hope to see more from her character before the big “surprise” for her character later on if the series makes it that far (fans know what I’m talking about when it comes to her fate). So, as lackluster as it was I didn’t hate it, just didn’t really like it either, I was more, “Meh, this is okay…better than Spidey 3 from Raimi that’s for damn sure.”