"Oh Margaret, scissor me. Scissor me raw."

Seth Grahame-Smith already proved that you can make a career out of adding zombies and vampires to public-domain literature classics. Now publisher Clandestine Classics wants to do the same, by adding sexplay and light bondage for the ladaaays. Yes, we have Fifty Shades of Gray to thank for this.

Clandestine Classics is making all the implied sex in such classics as Jane Eyre, Pride & Prejudice and, yes, Sherlock Holmes explicit.
The publisher touts: “The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? Come with us as we embark on a breathtaking experience — behind the closed bedroom doors of our favorite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre. We’ll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed.”
The company is releasing reworked versions of five classic novels as ebooks on July 30: Pride & Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Sherlock Holmes: A Study in Scarlet, Northanger Abbey and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (who knew that needed to be sexed up?). [THR]

Thanks to my many connections in the literary world, I was able to obtain an exclusive passage from the sexed-up adaptation of Jane Eyre:

And as for the vague something–was it a sinister or a sorrowful, a designing or a desponding expression?–that opened upon a careful observer, now and then, in his eye, and closed again before one could fathom the strange depth partially disclosed; that something which used to make me fear and shrink, as if I had been wandering amongst volcanic-looking hills, and had suddenly felt the ground quiver, and seen it gape: that something, I, at intervals, beheld still; and with throbbing heart, but not with palsied nerves. Instead of wishing to shun, I longed only to dare–to divine it; and I thought Miss Ingram happy, because one day she might look into the abyss at her leisure, explore its secrets and analyse their nature. And verily, that’s when we’d buttf**k.

I think they’re onto something here. You can pretty much take any passage from classic literature, read through two or three paragraphs, and add “and then we buttf**ked.” Ten times more interesting! I like this idea. Here’s a preview of some upcoming titles:

  • The Remains of the Day We Finally Buttf**ked
  • As I Lay Dying to Get Buttf**ked
  • Eat, Pray, Love, Buttf**king
  • Atlas Buttf**ked
  • A Room of One’s Own for Buttf**king
  • One Hundred Years of Buttf**king
  • The Unbearable Lightness of Buttf**king
  • The Adventures of Buttf**kleberry Finn
  • All the Pretty Horsec*cks
  • The Portrait of the Artist as a Hung Man
  • Don Quixote de la Manchowder (or “Don Quijoto,” for the Spanish readers)

I think I missed my true calling.

[picture source]