Fred Willard (pictured, left), also known as the best part of multiple Christopher Guest movies, was arrested for lewd conduct when vice police caught him with his penis out in an adult theater. My question: what the hell else would people do at a porn theater? It’s a theater that shows porn. I think every grown adult understands that the reason people go there is to jack off. If you don’t want to see guys jacking off, don’t go inside. FREE FRED WILLARD!
According to law enforcement sources, LAPD undercover vice officers went into the Tiki Theater in Hollywood and found the
78-year-old72-year-old “Anchorman” star watching last night’s feature … with his penis exposed and in his hand.
GASP! (*clutches pearls*)
We’re told Willard was arrested around 8:45PM and booked for lewd conduct. It was a quick release [HEYO!] — we’re told he was out of police custody a short while later. As for which movie Fred was watching — there are 3 flicks in rotation at the theater … “Follow Me 2,” a XXX parody of “The Client List,” and “Step Dad No. 2.”
According to IMDB, Fred is “rumored” to be in pre-production for a movie entitled … “The Yank.” [HEYO PART 2!]
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the LAPD vice officers were not conducting a raid but rather a “random walk-through” of the premises. We’re told when theaters like this get their license, they have to allow cops in whenever they want, to inspect.
Okay, few things:
8:45 pm is like 2 am in 78-year-old time. [Update: 1:25 in 72-year-old time]
See, kids? This is why you teach grandpa to use a computer, so he can masturbate at home.
Penis out in a theater? He was probably just waiting for Alanis Morissette to show up.
Hey, LAPD: what the hell? It’s been said before but still applies: if you have nothing better to do than to arrest 78-year-old actors for jacking off, it’s time for some layoffs over there.
I like to imagine that while the cops were putting him in the squad car, he asked, “How much do you think I could bench press?” (Though I’d also accept “Hey, wha happen?”)
Finally, I just want to say that Fred Willard is awesome, and if it ever comes to it, I have a spare bedroom I’d proudly let him jack off in. You suck, LAPD. Man lives to be 78, he’s earned the right to jack off where he wants. You don’t like it, avert your snot-nosed eyes out of respect.
[TMZ]
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I’d rather be the janitor in these theaters than have to read any more of these TMZ ellipses.
“Fred Willard is awesome, and if it ever comes to it, I have a spare bedroom I’d proudly let him jack off in.” Soooooo much better out of context…
Oh THAT’S Fred Willard? Thank God, for a minute I thought you meant Fred Ward.
This kind of thing will never happen to todays young stars because they know how to use a computer for porn
Was there ever a more appropriate time to bust out his “I can’t do my work!” line from “A Mighty Wind?”
“Hey, wha’ happen?” I imagine him saying as they put the cuffs on.
So was it a Best in Show-er or a Best in Grower?
Comment of the Week
second that
[www.yelp.com]
Check out the first comment
all these reviews are brilliant
He’s 78 and everything still works down there? He should be getting an award, damnit, the guy’s my hero.
His Internet connection must have been down.
Apparently that’s the only thing that was down, HEYO!
*rimshot, bowtie spin, hit in face with tomato, falls off stage*
His zipper was probably also down.
To paraphrase/misquote Nick Swardson, 78-year-olds should be allowed to jerk off and shoplift $1 or lesser items whenever they want. And if they do both at the same time, bonus points.
Sounds like he stole and tweaked a Patton Oswalt joke
I might have been mixing up my old people bits . . . just like Fred Willard would want it.
Couple of movies from his filmography: Idle Hands, Fun With Dick & Jane, National Lampoon Goes to the Movies.
I swear, officer, I was bitten by a snake, I’m just trying to get the swelling under control. Look out, there it is!
*scampers away as fast as a 78-year-old can*
Breaking news: Willard has been fired from “The Yank” and replaced by PeeWee Herman. Interestingly enough, Willard wasn’t the first choice for the role, he was only hired after the death of Ernest Borgnine.
This may be my favorite celebrity arrest story of all-time.
The Tiki claims to be open 24 hours. I can understand late night showings but who the hell is watching porn at 6am?
Early risers?
Old men.
Yep. The Early Riser Special.
Most guys who go to porn theaters at 6am are too loaded to get it up (though never too loaded to take it out).
That guy is havin’ fun with his dong!
I want Sam Waterson to release a press statement about all this.
“…So when you ask ‘Why is America is the greatest country to masterbate in?’ I don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about!… but it sure used to be…”
The Client List? Gotta be called The Client Fist, right?
No Waiting for Guffman love? His character had penis-reduction surgery in that film, for Peter’s sake.
And to think that in some countries these dicks are eaten.
This wouldn’t have happened if his wife had just had that vagina enlargement surgery.
I still can’t believe he’s 78. At that age he can act surprised and say “What are you doing in my house?!? Are you the one who drank all my Ovaltine?”
A XXX parody of The Client List? They actually made a porn parody of a Lifetime movie that starred Jennifer Love Hewitt? Talk about a niche audience.
He was really great in Tremors
Vincent Mancini: Jack Off Apologist.
Have you ever jacked off in a hangar? The acoustics are fantastic….out out out of this world.
“I’ve jacked while in a hanger!” -David Carradine
Never gets old.
Just wondering… what are the OTHER reasons people go to an adult theatre other than to free willy? I doubt it’s for the plot.
So why does anyone raid such a theater. Are they surprised at what’s happening in there?
SOME improv guy he is. He should have said, “We’re filming a movie. That guy over there is Chris Guest.” and then pointed and when the cop looked, he should have run away.
“Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can skeet. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 onces, at the top of my game, maxing out at 500!”
LAPD; the TSA of jack-it theatres.
C List celebrity caught with pants down in adult theatre…Is it 1991?
It’s impossible to make a quick exit on those sticky floors.
Fucking LAPD… Can’t we all just pet our dongs?
He was just trying to get his dick home before Wapner came on.
Seriously, fuck the Po-lice. FRED WILLARD FOR SAG PRESIDENT!!!!!!
He’s 72 years old, not 78. That gives him another dog year of manlihood.
Ok wait sooo there is a job in the LAPD where you just go undercover to porn theaters too make sure no one is jerking it in the back?
It’s gonna be hard to have my penis out during Dark Knight Rises with all these crowds.
Just take a jacket.
What?
Hmm. Looks like Fred pulled a Pee-wee.
Willard better have been the only member in the audience because if not, that means he was sitting in theater watching porn with a group of people not jerking off. “I say Martha, this plot is preposterous.” If you’re at an adult arcade (which I assume still exist because I just learned porn theaters do), asking some guy to stop grunting so loud because it’s killing your “experience” is par for the course. It’s gross but not weird. But someone tapping on the wall to tell that guy to keep it down because they, “can’t hear the dialogue” is, in fact, weird.
Back when Willard was a young whippersnapper in the 60s, people were giving out buttery handjobs in theaters. Now you can’t even please yourself. For shame.
“This is the third time this week we’ve caught someone masturbating in your theater. Just what kind of establishment are you running here?”
In the interest of fairness, LA better have the Kegel Police out in full force when Breaking Dawn Part 2 opens up. “I’m sorry ma’am, you were shifting too much in your seat. You and your cat are going to have to come with me.”
Sitting through the submissions will be the best punishment for those who came up with this idea.
Hmm I was reading the Juggalo contest article and it posted my comment here. Even the Uproxx system does not want to be involved with the stupid Juggalos idea.
FREE MANCIERGE
Jesus Vince you have a spare bedroom? In San Francisco? That’s tight homie. Charge it to the game.