"Damn it, woman, why isn't my dinner ready?"
Opening Everywhere: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Brave, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, To Rome with Love
Never Heard of It: Grassroots
FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m very excited to see Seeking a Friend, which Vince reviewed if you didn’t read it already, and I’m one of the two people on Earth apparently eager to see Abe Lincoln, so there’s that, too.
"Hey vampire, let me ax you a question."
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 36% critics, 75% audience, 0% historians with an ax in their gash
Gratuitous Review Critics:
“On an unfortunate-ideas scale of one to 10, with one being ‘wearing white pants after Labor Day’ and five being ‘Green Lantern,’ this one rates about a fourscore and seven.” – Kyle Smith, NY Post (“Herp derp, witty history blurp.”)
“My question, then, is this: Why are there no black vampires? Surely there is one slave, somewhere, whose heart has been hardened by injustice and the lash just enough to grow fangs.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post (I included this quote because quite a few reviews are making this out to be some sort of race issue. That’s stupid. Shut up and stop being stupid. Review films and shut up. Shut up.)
Armchair Analysis: I’m beating a dead horse these days, but here we go… when you go to the movies to see a film entitled Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (or Cowboys and Aliens), you should leave your expectations for an Academy Award caliber film at the door. If you expect this film to be a dazzling masterpiece that effectively paints a portrait of the politics and slavery of the Civil War era, then you’ve missed the boat entirely. But if you want a fun story that asks, “Hey, what if a great American hero was also a vampire slayer?” then put your brain on airplane mode and just enjoy a silly action movie.
Vince’s Note: I don’t think people would all be talking about how stupid this looks if it had been even a smidge comedic or tongue-in-cheek looking. It’s not like people just decided to hate it because they’re prudes.
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“People love their cars.” – Tom Skerritt, former mayor of Seattle
Grimey with a 90s win.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter needs more dolichostenomelia.
Just sayin’… that Abe Lincoln doesn’t look nearly Marfan-y enough.
“To Rome With Love” was originally titled “Woody Allen: Daughter Fucker”, but they had to change it because of that Abe Lincoln bullshit.
Funny that Cowboys and Aliens is mentioned, because this movie was the best horrible movie since that one (Abe Lincoln was actually more enjoyable).
You can’t tell me that a movie that has someone drifting a horse-drawn carriage across a pool of blood, and another literally THROWING A HORSE at a president, who rolls the horse into riding position and gives chase, takes it self seriously.
It’s not like people just decided to hate it because they’re prudes.
No, a professional film critic would NEVER be that far up their own ass.
I think I’d still like to ride Ann Hornaday.I like that you keep riding Ann Hornaday.Ah yes, the glorious civic vision of monorail, financed, no doubt, on the ever-rising property values–what could go wrong? Yes, the late nineties were a simpler, more fanciful time.
“Jokes aside, I will take 1,000 Braves before I will accept another Toy Story paycheck sequel”
We must fight. Today.
“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Brave, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, To Rome with Love”
Sounds like a creepy okcupid profile to me.