After the jump, Tyler Perry stars as James Patterson’s famous detective/psychologist Alex Cross in Alex Cross. You may remember that the film also stars Matthew Fox as a freakishly ripped serial killer who moonlights as an MMA fighter. (Though if you ask Dominic Monaghan, Fox only got so shredded by beating women). Basically, the trailer is everything you’d expect from a movie that expects us to believe that pretty girls in cocktail dresses can just hang out by the cage drinking flirtinis and twirling their hair extensions during cage fights. Also, the cage seems to be at floor level, which would seem to make spectating difficult (though it should be said, Cliff Clavin Jr. back there doesn’t seem to mind).

Oh man oh man oh man. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s like they took every bad thriller cliché and tried to skull f*ck even more schlock into it. It’s like Law & Order: SBD. Even Tyler Perry had to have been rolling his eyes when he read this script.

√ Punching the mirror!

√ Pull-ups in a warehouse!

√ Dub-Step!

√ “This guy… he’s checking off a list.”

√ “I’m fascinated by pain.”

√ This time, it’s personal!

WUB-WUB-WUB-Wow this looks sh*tty. I mean, who would’ve thought a serial killer would taunt the detective who’s hot on his trail by threatening his wife! Move over, M. Shyamalan, there’s a new twist master in town!

“Don’t ever cross Alex Cross.”

What a tagline. It’s right up there with making a movie about a lawyer named “Deeds” who learns the value of doing good deeds in “Good Deeds.” At this point I’d like to think Tyler Perry is incapable of understanding a character unless he’s named after the things he does. “So Tyler, tell us about your new character, Empathy Softheart. What’s he like?”