This morning, I posted the first picture from Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, featuring Bella and Edward’s telepathic, half-vampire baby, Renesmee. At the time I opined, “how many cats out there are named Renesmee? I bet it’s a lot.” This prompted reader Garrett to send me the following KOMO news story from 2010, and OH MY F*CKING GOD, YOU GUYS. I don’t want to get hyperbolic, but this story is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

REXBURG, Idaho – A Rexburg woman says one of her cats recently attacked her and tried to kill her, sending her and her husband to the hospital.
The Ostermiller family says their cat was completely normal until three days after it gave birth to kittens. But it soon became defensive, and the family says it tried to kill them.
It began last week on Tuesday at about 5:30 a.m. The Ostermillers were sleeping when they heard a sound.
“All I heard was rrwwwrrrr hisss,” Jackie Ostermiller said.
Jackie woke up and saw her cat, Renesmee, (named after the Twilight character) panicking. Jackie thinks a male cat had wandered by outside the home and Renesmee was protecting her kittens.

IT WAS PROBABLY A WEREWOLF! YOU KNOW THOSE DIRTY ETHNIC WEREWOLVES GO CRAZY FOR FRESH WHITE KITTEN MEAT!

Jackie went to grab her cat to stop her from bolting out a hole in the screen door. That’s when the kitty made its move.
“I was being mauled literally for the kill. She had got a hold of my nose first, my face first, my arms – I was literally screaming,” she said.
Jackie’s husband, Blaine, was able to pry the attacking feline off.

You can tell that she’s a Stephenie Meyer reader by her vivid imagery and extensive vocabulary. She really paints a picture. “The cat was going ‘raaawwwwr.’ She was literally going crazy. She was so crazy, it was scary.”

“I woke up hearing my wife scream, I didn’t know what was going on until I looked over there, until I looked over there seeing (the cat) viciously attacking her,” Blaine said.
But the cat had already made its mark. Jackie was left with 35 bite marks and 15 bruises.

Bite marks and bruises? It’s her vampire-lover fantasy come true! The lesson here? Be careful what you wish for.

The cat wasn’t through. When Jackie was washing blood off her face, it came back and started attacking her leg a second time.
“She came at me with the deadliest eyes,” Jackie said.
“I noticed she was looking at my wife with a weird look,” Blaine said.
But even after this whole ordeal, the Ostermiller family hasn’t turned their back on cats. They even plan on getting a new kitten soon. But they do have a word of caution.
“I want people to know how dangerous cats can be, they can turn on you in a dime. Believe it or not – cats!” she said.
Jackie feels that none of this would have happened either, if they had just spayed their cat.

…I’m not touching that one.

The family ended up giving up Renesmee to the Rexburg shelter. It’s likely that it will be put down. [via KOMO]

“Even after this ordeal, the family hasn’t turned their back on cats. …Except for this cat, which they’re obviously having executed.”

God, I love you, local news. I still can’t believe they made it through that entire segment without using the phrase “PO’d puss!” Local news writers LOVE alliteration. That’s the kind of restraint that wins local Emmies. I just hope they have a category for “cat attacks.”