In honor of Magic Mike opening today, I'm leading off This Week in Posters and Stills with an old picture of Channing Tatum hard at work. Before he was the lead actor in some of the highest-grossing films of the year (with what's sure to be the highest still to come), he had to work pretty hard just to earn a few singles, which is why I don't begrudge him getting rich, now that the dollars just rain on him from the sky, like so many Tampa chicks' panties. Click through to see the full picture.
Here's Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher, the fictional hero who was six foot five. Obviously Tom Cruise is not, which is all anyone wants to talk about, but if actors had to actually be the same size as the characters they played, we wouldn't have many movies. That said, one sure-fire way to cool my enthusiasm for a Chris McQuarrie movie is to put Tom Cruise in it. We make fun of him for unfair reasons so often that we tend to forget that he's also not a great actor. He was good in Magnolia and Collateral. He's usually good enough not to be distracting, I'll give him that.
Oh yeah, and there's a joke about how John Travolta is the real "Jack Reacher," but I'm not going to make it.
Okay, okay, I won't make you click through all the rest of the slides just to see the rest of the C-Tates picture. I can't 100% confirm that it's real, but considering Channing Tatum was actually a stripper, I'm inclined to believe it.
The best part? This came from a Criterion forum (and tumblr). That's right, a Criterion forum was discussing Channing Tatum. Talk about having a good year. Channing Tatum and Taylor Kitsch are like that one episode of Seinfeld where George and Elaine are having opposite streaks of luck.
Still having a perfectly even year? You guessed it, Alexander Skarsgard.
You know who gets cross when you cross Alex Cross? You guessed it, Alex Cross. That's just his cross to bear.
Here's the trailer from the other day, in case you missed it. I don't even know how to talk to you if you think that looks good.
ANSWER: "The words."
(*puts envelope up to Carnac the Great turban*)
QUESTION: "What is... the worst part of dating Bradley Cooper?"
On the one hand, I'm impressed that the poster designer got so many different heads into one poster while it still felt connected to the theme, but on the other, I feel like I'm choosing paint swatches for my apartment.
These are the logos for Marvel's upcoming movies. Exciting, right? They should really call Iron Man 3 "Shane Black's Iron Man 3." That way, it evokes Lethal Weapon and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang instead of just evoking Iron Man 2.
"The Tall Man. THIS SUMMER, FEAR takes a new shape."
i.e., tall. What we're trying to say is, this summer, fear is tall. You know what, it sounded a lot better in my head.
Wait, wait, I have another use for this tagline:
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bite my knuckle so hard that it bleeds.
Why's he standing in front of the big 2 like that? Who's he shooting in this one, the Count from Sesame Street? "One, Two, TWO daughters sold into sex slavery, AH AH AH."
They should've put that lens flare right over the guy's face so you couldn't tell it's not Channing Tatum this time. That's really the most important part of this marketing campaign.
WOW. I believe that is the most side-boob I've seen in a movie poster. And there's a bit of a tan line on it too. Tan lines are great, they let you know you're seeing something you're not supposed to. All in all, A+ poster, would ogle again.
"Busy writing script, see you in 13 minutes."
My initial, honest reaction to this poster was "Wait, haven't they already made like four of these?" I looked it up. They have, but the other three were Alvin and the Chipmunks.
I'm not sure I understand "You can't spell kung fu without f and u." Does this movie want me to go f*ck myself? Honestly, this whole thing could just be a black background with "RZA’s directorial debut is a martial arts epic set in 19th century China and co-starring Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu."
Though I do enjoy that RZA is giving himself a dap at the bottom.
I love Mike Birbiglia (AND Lauren Ambrose, for that matter. Not only is she a great actress, I met her once and she was nice), and he's brilliant for associating himself with This American Life. Thanks to his association with NPR, now he can tell the fartiest dick joke and people will still be like, "Awww, he's so insightful!"
Okay, so this isn't technically movie-related, but I simply had to share.
John Hawkes is the man.
Based on the poignantly optimistic autobiographical writings of California-based journalist and poet Mark O'Brien, THE SESSIONS tells the story of a man confined to an iron lung who is determined--at age 38--to lose his virginity. With the help of his therapists and the guidance of his priest, he sets out to make his dream a reality.
Here's the trailer - Helent Hunt plays a prostitute, basically! This is neither here nor there, but if I was a stripper who looked like Helen Hunt, my stripper name would be "Twister."
This is the movie poster-est movie poster. If you were trying to explain the concept of movie posters to an alien, you'd show them this poster. It wouldn't even have to be a real movie. It may not be.
Is that some kind of binary code written with wingdings? What's going on here? I get that it's red because the movie is called "Red Lights," but beyond that I have no idea.
Yep, a Paddington Bear movie. Honestly, if I told you I made this poster as a joke, you would believe me, wouldn't you?
Here's your first look at Jason Statham in Hummingbird, from first-time director Steven Knight, who wrote Eastern Promises.
"Oi, dis be'ah be focken good, Tommy. Oy wiz just about to knob a pair a fit birds right dere on da focken roullette tabew, now wasn' Oy. Oydenticew focken twins they was, Tommy! D'you know 'ow often a bloke gets da chance ta knob oydenticew focken bloody twins, Tommy? Oy's only done it free toimes before, dat's 'ow rare it is."
This one's for Bobcat Goldthwait's God Bless America, which I believe you can already rent on OnDemand. You can copy Kick-Ass's yellow and black color scheme and even write "KICK-ASS" above your tween heroin, but that's not going to turn her into Chloe Moretz. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I'm already in enough trouble with the FBI.
"From the producers of The Kids Are Alright..." Ugh. The Kids Are Alright was such an insufferable Tyler Perry-for-white-people movie. The mere presence of Ty Burrell in Buddy Holly glasses makes me think this will be too.
Here's Liam Hemsworth in Empire State, in which he stars opposite The Rock. How the hell is this handsome bastard dating Miley Cyrus? It has to be for her money, right?
And here's the Rock in the same movie. I put them on the same slide together because if you scroll down, it looks like they're saying what's up to each other.
Chloe Moretz in costume as "Carrie White" on set of "Carrie" in Toronto, Canada. Yes, it's a remake of Stephen King's Carrie. No, I did not find it on yet another Google Image Search for Chloe Moretz. Okay, maybe I did.
Here's Charlize Theron with her shaved head for Mad Max: Fury Road, which will no longer be shooting in 3D, but will post convert. Unless it's got Mel Gibson roaming the countryside, delivering anti-semitic rants to a feral child, not interested.
As lame as this movie looks (get it? It's Seth Galfianakis vs. George W!), you can't really go wrong with Zach Galifianakis holding some pugs. Even if he has been Photoshopped into a living death.
Could the eagle be named "Baxter?" That might make me see this.
[posters via IMPA, except where otherwise noted]