It's time for another installment of This Week in Posters, and this week C-Tates and friends are here to kick this party off right! (*thrusts hips, throws shirt at audience, trips over coffee table*) The official theater rules for my press screening say shirts are required, but I think I saw a lot laaawbreakers in the mirror. (*rubs belly*)
Prediction: Nine months from next week, there will be a spike in the birth rate. This will be known as the "Magic Mike Spike."
For some reason, I keep imagining Joe Namath underneath the mask, drunkenly slurring "Can ah kissh you?"
Anyway, yeah. Diagonals. Yay.
I honestly do love period pieces, but this looks so far up its own ass that watching it sounds like a chore. Yet almost every girl I know has been squealing about it on Facebook ever since the trailer came out. They don't seem to mind the epic hokeyness. I've concluded that this is Transformers for girls.
Andy Samberg is POTENT, yo. Move over, Peter North! Ah, just busting your balls, Goss. Ha, "busting balls."
Ooh, I wonder if this will be quirky.
Also, what the f*ck is a "sachet?" (*googles*) Wait, so it's the same thing as a satchel? Do we really need two words spelled almost the same way that mean the exact same thing? There is no need for both. It's time to put a stop to this. Just tell me where to direct this angry letter.
NO NO NO NO NO NO. Women. How many times do I have to tell you? One person talks, THEN the other person talks. I'm a lip reader, and in this poster, both these girls are doing that "most annoying sound in the world" thing from Dumb & Dumber.
Man, can you imagine the amount of high-fiving that went on after they thought of that tagline? So much.
Here's a sneak peak at James Franco in the poster for Sam Raimi's Oz The Great and Powerful.
The March 8, 2013 release imagines the origins of L. Frank Baum's beloved character, the Wizard of Oz. When Oscar Diggs (Franco), a small-time circus magician with dubious ethics, is hurled away from dusty Kansas to the vibrant Land of Oz, he thinks he's hit the jackpot-fame and fortune are his for the taking-that is until he meets three witches, Theodora (Mila Kunis), Evanora (Rachel Weisz) and Glinda (Michelle Williams), who are not convinced he is the great wizard everyone's been expecting. Reluctantly drawn into the epic problems facing the Land of Oz and its inhabitants, Oscar must find out who is good and who is evil before it is too late. Putting his magical arts to use through illusion, ingenuity-and even a bit of wizardry-Oscar transforms himself not only into the great and powerful Wizard of Oz but into a better man as well. [Coming Soon]
In preparation for the role, James Franco already obtained an MFA in Wizardry from Cornell. His final project was ziplock bag filled with his own farts titled "The Magic of Perception."
Eh? At least they're not wearing clown wigs, and the film does seem to take place during an actual ice age (I can't stand it when kids movies piss all over science and history).
But I'm still pissed about Drake thinking he can just go by one name. "Drake" isn't even a cool name. "Drake" is a dapper-looking basset hound with a plaid collar.
I like it. I was intrigued enough to look up what it was. That has to count for something, right?
Four couples meet for Sunday brunch only to discover they are stuck in a house together as the world may be about to end.
I bet they were pissed when Seeking a Friend for the End of the World came out with almost the same plot (I've got a review of that coming tomorrow, by the way). That has to be such a bummer. It's like when I go to a party and Tom Hardy is already there. It's like, "Aw, man, I hope these people aren't all stocked up on handsome."
I read this as a contemporary urban take on Anna Karenina. Tawanna Karenina, say.
Ironically, this is also the title of Hanson's breakout album, which was the whitest album of all time. "MMMBop" is what happens when white people scat.
Well I think we can all agree that this was screaming for a Photoshop, right?
You know how we keep re-imagining all our fairy tales and make them into action movies? Well they do that for kids movies too. That's pretty much the whole plot of Rise of the Guardians. Though if you ask me, you shouldn't be allowed to make an animated movie with "The Guardians" in the title if it's not going to be about war owls. LET SLIP THE OWLS OF WAR! HOO! HOO!
Thank God they couldn't fit "Naughty" on his knuckles. Note to all, the words-on-your-knuckles thing is officially f*cked out now. I love it when I see guys in the city with "HOLD FAST" on their knuckles. Yeah, nice old-timey Navy tat there, guy-who-works-at-Jamba-Juice.
What the sh*t? Look, Dreamworks, there's only one Tooth Fairy and his name is Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
"Pitch?" Does anyone know who this is supposed to be? Is there a fairy tale about some kind of evil, power top? ...Heh, "fairy" tale. Anyway, this is the last of the Rise of the Guardians, and I'm shocked that I got through all of them without seeing a single Dreamworks Face.
Ay yay yay, El Dia De Los Muertos! Caliente! I like the idea for the Day of the Dead-themed poster, but after Taylor Kitsch was in both John Carter and Battleship, shouldn't it be him with the mask over his face? If it were me, I wouldn't be covering up Blake Lively.
Here's Kristen Wiig and Ben Stiller gettin' old on the set of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I'm guessing the "secret life" part happens when he's young. Otherwise, what's the secret, he sh*t his pants?
The first of a series of posters for the Total Recall remake, in the form of ads for the Rekall Corp. And before you ask, yes, it was spelled "Rekall" in the original Philip K. Dick story. Also, "Quaid" was actually named Quail - Douglas Quail. He's still named Quaid in the remake, because when they said it was a new adaptation of the book and not a remake, they were just trying to sound smart.
I WANT TO BE THE DIAGONAL FIGURE IN A POSTER SOMEDAY!
(I don't mind the diagonal horizon line if there's a plausible reason for it, like, say, zero gravity).
"Hello, Rekall? Yeah, I'd like to rock clubs as DJ Douche, wearing the latest in futuristic stud belts."
"Really? Playing someone else's music in public? THAT'S your dream? There are other ways to get laid, man, this is make believe."
You know what would make this way better? If he was holding a guy's head still attached to the spine in one hand, a la Predator.
Ha, stupid goalie. Here's a picture I found on Wikipedia:
Maggie Gyllenhaal looks really tan in this. (NAMES! FACES! PUT THEM TOGETHER!)
Aw, poor Eric Bana. He's so bummed he has to kill you now.
This rehab has British Musketeers guarding it? Damn, man, that seems strict. Though it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe that's where Nick Stahl was.
Did you know you can wash off middle-class ennui by jumping into pools? It's true, but only if you keep all your clothes on. That's indie movie science.
Okay, well that's a cool poster. Also, it thwarts the criticism that all horror movies are about a haunted house or a creepy kid/possessed person by being about a haunted video tape. That counts as innovation.
Here's the red-band trailer:
Last time it was wing suits, I can't wait to see what extreme sport Michael Bay sees on 60 Minutes and demands to have in his movie this time. Robot Surfing? Freestyle BASE jumping? "Listen up, men! All the straight entrances are blocked, so we're going to have to drift in!"
[all other posters via IMPA except where noted]