It's time for another installment of This Week in Posters, and this week C-Tates and friends are here to kick this party off right! (*thrusts hips, throws shirt at audience, trips over coffee table*) The official theater rules for my press screening say shirts are required, but I think I saw a lot laaawbreakers in the mirror. (*rubs belly*)
Prediction: Nine months from next week, there will be a spike in the birth rate. This will be known as the "Magic Mike Spike."
For some reason, I keep imagining Joe Namath underneath the mask, drunkenly slurring "Can ah kissh you?"
Anyway, yeah. Diagonals. Yay.
I honestly do love period pieces, but this looks so far up its own ass that watching it sounds like a chore. Yet almost every girl I know has been squealing about it on Facebook ever since the trailer came out. They don't seem to mind the epic hokeyness. I've concluded that this is Transformers for girls.
Andy Samberg is POTENT, yo. Move over, Peter North! Ah, just busting your balls, Goss. Ha, "busting balls."
Semen.
Ooh, I wonder if this will be quirky.
Also, what the f*ck is a "sachet?" (*googles*) Wait, so it's the same thing as a satchel? Do we really need two words spelled almost the same way that mean the exact same thing? There is no need for both. It's time to put a stop to this. Just tell me where to direct this angry letter.
...AND THEN HE HEADBUTTED HER TO DEATH!
Is that how this ends? Otherwise, pass.
NO NO NO NO NO NO. Women. How many times do I have to tell you? One person talks, THEN the other person talks. I'm a lip reader, and in this poster, both these girls are doing that "most annoying sound in the world" thing from Dumb & Dumber.
Man, can you imagine the amount of high-fiving that went on after they thought of that tagline? So much.
Here's a sneak peak at James Franco in the poster for Sam Raimi's Oz The Great and Powerful.
The March 8, 2013 release imagines the origins of L. Frank Baum's beloved character, the Wizard of Oz. When Oscar Diggs (Franco), a small-time circus magician with dubious ethics, is hurled away from dusty Kansas to the vibrant Land of Oz, he thinks he's hit the jackpot-fame and fortune are his for the taking-that is until he meets three witches, Theodora (Mila Kunis), Evanora (Rachel Weisz) and Glinda (Michelle Williams), who are not convinced he is the great wizard everyone's been expecting. Reluctantly drawn into the epic problems facing the Land of Oz and its inhabitants, Oscar must find out who is good and who is evil before it is too late. Putting his magical arts to use through illusion, ingenuity-and even a bit of wizardry-Oscar transforms himself not only into the great and powerful Wizard of Oz but into a better man as well. [Coming Soon]
In preparation for the role, James Franco already obtained an MFA in Wizardry from Cornell. His final project was ziplock bag filled with his own farts titled "The Magic of Perception."
Eh? At least they're not wearing clown wigs, and the film does seem to take place during an actual ice age (I can't stand it when kids movies piss all over science and history).
But I'm still pissed about Drake thinking he can just go by one name. "Drake" isn't even a cool name. "Drake" is a dapper-looking basset hound with a plaid collar.
I like it. I was intrigued enough to look up what it was. That has to count for something, right?
Four couples meet for Sunday brunch only to discover they are stuck in a house together as the world may be about to end.
I bet they were pissed when Seeking a Friend for the End of the World came out with almost the same plot (I've got a review of that coming tomorrow, by the way). That has to be such a bummer. It's like when I go to a party and Tom Hardy is already there. It's like, "Aw, man, I hope these people aren't all stocked up on handsome."
I read this as a contemporary urban take on Anna Karenina. Tawanna Karenina, say.
Ironically, this is also the title of Hanson's breakout album, which was the whitest album of all time. "MMMBop" is what happens when white people scat.
Well I think we can all agree that this was screaming for a Photoshop, right?
God. I love Jennifer Lawrence. Even in Photoshop form.
I've never been a big Spike Lee fan, but if I was, this poster would be pretty legit.
You know how we keep re-imagining all our fairy tales and make them into action movies? Well they do that for kids movies too. That's pretty much the whole plot of Rise of the Guardians. Though if you ask me, you shouldn't be allowed to make an animated movie with "The Guardians" in the title if it's not going to be about war owls. LET SLIP THE OWLS OF WAR! HOO! HOO!
Thank God they couldn't fit "Naughty" on his knuckles. Note to all, the words-on-your-knuckles thing is officially f*cked out now. I love it when I see guys in the city with "HOLD FAST" on their knuckles. Yeah, nice old-timey Navy tat there, guy-who-works-at-Jamba-Juice.
What the sh*t? Look, Dreamworks, there's only one Tooth Fairy and his name is Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Okay, they kind of won me over with the eggs-in-the-bandolero thing there.
Spider-Man 3 did it.
"Pitch?" Does anyone know who this is supposed to be? Is there a fairy tale about some kind of evil, power top? ...Heh, "fairy" tale. Anyway, this is the last of the Rise of the Guardians, and I'm shocked that I got through all of them without seeing a single Dreamworks Face.
"It's Lars and the Real Girl meets Wall E meets Cocoon!" I decided based on this poster without doing any research.
Ay yay yay, El Dia De Los Muertos! Caliente! I like the idea for the Day of the Dead-themed poster, but after Taylor Kitsch was in both John Carter and Battleship, shouldn't it be him with the mask over his face? If it were me, I wouldn't be covering up Blake Lively.
Here's Kristen Wiig and Ben Stiller gettin' old on the set of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I'm guessing the "secret life" part happens when he's young. Otherwise, what's the secret, he sh*t his pants?
via TheBlemish
The first of a series of posters for the Total Recall remake, in the form of ads for the Rekall Corp. And before you ask, yes, it was spelled "Rekall" in the original Philip K. Dick story. Also, "Quaid" was actually named Quail - Douglas Quail. He's still named Quaid in the remake, because when they said it was a new adaptation of the book and not a remake, they were just trying to sound smart.
I WANT TO BE THE DIAGONAL FIGURE IN A POSTER SOMEDAY!
ENGAGE.
(I don't mind the diagonal horizon line if there's a plausible reason for it, like, say, zero gravity).
"Hello, Rekall? Yeah, I'd like to get my convertible run over by a plane."
"Hello, Rekall? Yeah, I'd like to rock clubs as DJ Douche, wearing the latest in futuristic stud belts."
"Really? Playing someone else's music in public? THAT'S your dream? There are other ways to get laid, man, this is make believe."
You know what would make this way better? If he was holding a guy's head still attached to the spine in one hand, a la Predator.
OH HELL YEAH THANKS FOR SOLVING RACISM AGAIN WHITE LADY!
Maggie Gyllenhaal looks really tan in this. (NAMES! FACES! PUT THEM TOGETHER!)
This rehab has British Musketeers guarding it? Damn, man, that seems strict. Though it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe that's where Nick Stahl was.
Did you know you can wash off middle-class ennui by jumping into pools? It's true, but only if you keep all your clothes on. That's indie movie science.
Okay, well that's a cool poster. Also, it thwarts the criticism that all horror movies are about a haunted house or a creepy kid/possessed person by being about a haunted video tape. That counts as innovation.
Here's the red-band trailer:
Last time it was wing suits, I can't wait to see what extreme sport Michael Bay sees on 60 Minutes and demands to have in his movie this time. Robot Surfing? Freestyle BASE jumping? "Listen up, men! All the straight entrances are blocked, so we're going to have to drift in!"
[via JoBlo]
[all other posters via IMPA except where noted]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/trailer-for-as-i-lay-dying-from-james-franco-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/James-Franco-dildo-cake-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Ovaries-150x120.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/only-god-forgives-poster-150x150.jpg)
Every time I see Kevin Nash in the background of the Magic Mike posters I hope a little harder that he gets Fingerpoke of Doom’d with C-Tates helicoptering dick.
If “Anna Karenina” doesn’t have “A to the motherfucking K, homeboy” blasting over the credits, I’m demanding my money back.
She’s hot and all, but not that good at tennis.
How many “Party at the end of the world” movies can they possibly make? There’s this thing, too: [www.imdb.com]
Also this: [www.imdb.com]
And it all stemmed from a “Twilight Zone” episode. Lovely.
[en.wikipedia.org]
Pitch is the Devil of the internet. It comes from trying to figure out Wikipedia. He looks like David Boreanaz because you eventually stumble on gay Buffy porn.
Relevant
There’s is no fucking way this is better than Christopher Coppola’s Deadfall.
“What am I, a fucking retard, man?”
If you love period pieces you belong in a menstrual institution.
Hey “Why Stop Now” actually has the names line up!
So did Neighborhood Watch! Vince, stay the course and one day all movie posters will have the names matched to the faces.
I predict that Anna Karenina will be great for at least one reason: the emotional release and closure of the character’s resolution (smashed by a train).
Whoa whoa whoa, do the Russians hate Matthew McConaughey or something? That’s not someone you just leave off a poster, especially not when the point is to be shirtless.
Eric Bana: contemporary cinemas greatest sadface.
My 87 year old grandpa doesn’t have a phone with a cord. Are they making another godamned Transformers movie!?
The Rekall posters are dope.
RE: No. 29–
It doesn’t look like the white lady is solving racism as much as the empowered womyn are curing a disease by staging a color-coordinated group walk. Related note: Which disease’s foundation has lime green as their color? Is it Scurvy? I bet it’s scurvy.
The following is an actual conversation I had with my mom after she saw an ad for Magic Mike…
Mom: Is this really a movie about male strippers?
Patty: Yep.
Mom: Is it supposed to be a farce?
Patty: No, it’s serious. That Channing Tatum guy was a stripper.
Mom: It’s a serious movie about male strippers?
Patty: Yes.
Mom: Why? People still do that? I thought that had gone out of style, because we have the internet now.
You’re mother is my favourite.
It’s about straight male strippers, so it’s not farce, it’s science fiction.
…did Dreamworks just turn the Easter-bunny into one of the Warriors of Virtue?
[www.imdb.com]
Yes. My god, yes.
the giant initials on the Anna Karenina poster makes me think the closing credits will make use of the Cyprus Hill classic “A to the Mutha Fuckin K”
at the very least, they should employ it in their ad campaign.
i hope the “extreme sport” Michael Bay picks for Shitformers 4 is Dressage.
a robot on a dancing horse?!? box office gold
Oz The Great and Powerful.
Nice to see Joey Tribbiani finally got his big break.
A sachet isn’t a satchel…
I like that that’s the detail you clung to. (You’re right, though.)
I’m going to wax my chest before i go see Magic Mike. Vince better wear tearaway blogging slacks.
Richard Ayoade, the new Ernie Hudson. Glad to see the torch has been passed.
Transformers 4: The Battle For Shia’s Sobriety.
I know it’s a friendly transformer because of the blue eyes!
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!
No one has commented on the fact that C-Tates is CLEARLY jacking off that guy from Roswell and that guy from…uh…Magic Mike?
He’s beating them off with both hands!
I looked it up. Pitch is the Boogeyman.