After the jump, the trailer for Taken 2. Allow me to recap:
“Listen to me very carefully. If it’s money you’re after, I can tell you that I have none. What I do have is–”
“Yeah, yeah, a particular set of skills, you will find me, you will kill me, they will take you, yadda yadda yadda. I get it, Old Man! Let’s skip to the part where we revenge each other!”
Anyway, I’m pretty lukewarm on this one. Once you’ve seen Liam Neeson tape broken bottles to his knuckles and punch wolves to death, the volume sort of gets turned down on everything else.
Opens October 5th, directed by Olivier Megaton, whose name is the fantastic, action-movie director equivalent of a porn name. According to Wikipedia…
Olivier Fontana was born in France 20 years to the day after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, and his choice of the artistic name, Megaton, was influenced by this.
If Michael Bay is reading this, he’s probably pissed he didn’t think to go by “Sir Peter O’Dynamite.” It adds an air of class, without skimping on the references to explosions and penises.
["Call Me Taken" via ItMakesNoSense]
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I know it’s an overused joke, but this is one instance when adding an “Electric Boogaloo” to the title would just work SO WELL.
It would be great to see Liam Neeson robot dance with a broom.
Taken with a Vengeance
Taken 2: The Rapening
If he really wanted to pay tribute to the Hiroshima bombing, he should’ve picked the name Enola Gay Little Boy.
Taken Bake
Taken 2: You Got Tooked
Taken by a very specific set of shills.
I don’t always watch sh*tty sequels, but when I do, I prefer Dos Taken: The Takening.
Taken 2: Took
Is this a prequel to “Usual Suspects”? Is this how Keyser Söze started? I’m so confused.
In Taken 3, Neeson murders a bunch of skiing instructors.
In Tekken 3, Neeson defeats JCVD to become “King of Iron Fist Tournament”.
Kidnap me once, shame on you. Kidnap me twice, shame on me.
Kidnap you once, shame on you. Kidnap you twice, shame on me for letting you out of my basement.
Seriously though, if you’ve seen the first one, Jean Grey spends all of her screen time cunting up the place. WHY THE HELL would anyone want her to get rescued this time?
Taken To, A Farrelly Brothers film.
In the first one the daughter runs like a spazz in the airport, now she’s jumping building to building with some parkour flair.
THIS
It’s not so ridiculous to think that after she got kidnapped once she took a ton of self-defense / athletic training courses.
Hahaha who am I kidding, women doing athletic things?
She also got laid. She ran like her hymen was still intact. Not anymore.
Taken II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.
I’m not saying there needed be a Taken 2, but I will watch the shit out of this movie.
THIS
Taken 2 The Extreme
This is about two X’s away from being the perfect title, but still, +XXIV points.
Liam Neeson is what young Bruce Willis should have grown into instead of what old Bruce Willis currently is.
They applied the Hangover formula to an action movie!
I’m waiting for Liam Neeson to drop out of this and make a statement;
“I would have thought Taken 2: The Streets” was a no-brainer, after all it’s implied in the title.”
I guess that should actually be “Taken To: The Streets”.
Taken Harder: A Good Day to Take…Harder
Next one should take place in an all-day-breakfast.
Taken: This Time With Bacon
“JUST. WHEN. YOU. THOUGHT. IT. WAS. SAFE. TO. NOT. BE. TAKEN. YOU. GOT. TOOK.” BOOM.
BRRRAAAAAHHHMMMMM!!!!
In a world…where things are taken…he takes them back.
If there isn’t SOME country that tacks on the subtitle “The Limit”, I will be pissed.
Taken 2 the Streets
Starring C-Tates?
“I dunno know whoz u B. I dunno watchu want. If you looking for cash money, I ain’t got it, hater. But I do gots a pa-tickler set of skillz; skillz I’ve acquired over a very long career [note: 4 months] with Awesome Austin and Magic Mike. Skillz that make me a nightmare for whack ass poserz like you and a fantasy come true for fine ass bitches. If you let thoz honeys go now, that’ll be the end of it. I won’t crump you, I won’t tweak you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will hot seat the shit out of you. Word.”
Super Taken 2: Champion Edition
Is that the bum from Batman Begins that is planning the revenge? Did anyone else see that? The trash-can bum from BB, the “nice coat” bum. You’d think with his Dos Equis commercials that he wouldn’t need any more work.
He’s also Boris the bullet dodger from Snatch
He’s also in Angelina Jolie’s Balkans movie.
I’ll be damned. I knew my cinema bat-knowledge would come in handy at some point. It was a nice coat.
1. Renaming yourself Megaton because you were born 20 YEARS after Hiroshima is basically the most jagoff thing a person can do. It’s like wearing a Che T-shirt on your birth certificate.
2. The only suitable occupation for a person named Olivier Megaton is DJ’ing at club To Beat or Not To Beat at the corner of Montague and Capulet.
The 2 was correct but I think you meant “Tha.”
Darn–the “Tha” comment was supposed to go somewhere else. Stupid Internet.
Taken 2: Beat or Not 2 Beat
Taken 2: Secret of the Ooze.
“Once you’ve seen Liam Neeson tape broken bottles to his knuckles and punch wolves to death, the volume sort of gets turned down on everything else.”
I would agree if that ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED in The Grey. Biggest letdown of an ending in movie history.
He couldn’t have punched one? One hook? Just a jab? Goddammit.
The only Liam Neeson movie where i like someone OTHER than Liam Neeson’s character more- Boris the Blade!
Taken 2: Taken Harder
When Liam Neeson’s daughter asks what he is going to do and he replies, “what I do best,” you know you’re in for the same movie. Is that necessarily a bad thing…I don’t think so
Taken 2: The Next Level
1) The Grey was depressing as fuck. very little ass was kicked and it was all on the wolves side. no broken glass punches were thrown.
2) Taken 2: Taken’ it to the Streets
Taken 2: The Takening
Taken 2: Magic Mike
hmm. sad. after browsing through previous comments i see that pretty much all of my painfully obvious takes on the title were already used.
I know );
Out For A Take With A Vengence
Schindler’s Take
The Greyken, if only for the scene where he talks to the wolf on a cell.
The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Taken