Some snoots over at “Sony Pictures” or “IMDB” might tell you that this latest film produced by Happy Madison stars someone called “Kevin James,” and is titled “Here Comes the Boom.” But you and I both know that’s not true. This is actually part of the ever-popular “Paul Blart Presents” series, with this particular title being “Paul Blart Presents: Mixed Martial Farts.” (Alternately, Paul Blart: Mall Cro Cop). Anyway, this is it. The movie we’ve all been waiting for. Paul Blart saves the rec center with MMA, an idea so lame and generic that I essentially came up with it in a headline four years ago only to see it became a real script from Allan Loeb, a screenwriter who’s managed to write approximately a million scripts that all seem like they took less than an hour. You can watch the trailer below, but I warn you, there’s not a single fart, groin shot, or record scratch. Not even a scene where Paul Blart cries because he can’t have pie while he’s cutting weight. Man, even when I’m expecting the worst, Kevin James, Allan Loeb, and Happy Madison still manage to disappoint.

If you’re an MMA afficianado like myself, you may notice cameos from MMA fighters and related figures, including:

  • Bas Rutten
  • Vinny Magalaes
  • Krzysztof Soszynski (God, that guy is a spell check’s nightmare)
  • Brian Stann
  • Mark Delagrotte (along with a giant Team Sityudong banner – very Thai name for a team that seems to consist exclusively of extremely white dudes from Boston)
  • Mayhem Miller
  • Joe Rogan
  • Salma “Heavy Bags” Hayek

And of course, 12th degree capoeira black belt Henry Winkler. That’s an awful lot of people from the MMA world participating in a movie whose message seems to be that any fat loser can do it (he wrestled in high school! Probably would’ve been all-state if he hadn’t blown out his knee and turned down a scholarship to take care of his sick mom!). Paul Blart even knocks out Mayhem with an overhand right at the end. I wonder if Peter Berg taught him that.