According to one critic quoted in the previews, Magic Mike is “the Citizen Kane of stripper movies,” and with the most Important Film of Our Times set to open in less than a week, my browser tabs are currently running about 90 to 95 percent C-Tates stories. Would you believe one Florida whigger’s story of pantsless rags to shirtless riches is set to become a stage musical? Hey, if Twilight porn can be literature, surely dudes helicoptering their wangs to the beat of “Macho Man” can be theatre. Yeah, that’s right, I spelled it the English way. ‘Cause I’m classy.

USA Today reports from the premiere:

Tatum’s producing partner Reid Carolin, who wrote the screenplay for Magic Mike, said they have big plans to send the stripper story to Broadway. “We are working on it as a Broadway show, which would be a different story,” said Carolin, “more of a romp, more of a fun night out at a club with a story. I’m almost more excited about that than the movie because I think it’s the perfect thing for women to go see on Broadway, to be participants in the show.” Pettyfer said he would “absolutely” do the Broadway show. In fact, “I think we should all do the opening night,” he said.

Hmm, I don’t know if they’re going to be able to sell beefcakes in banana hammocks singing songs about their hopes and dreams to the musical theater audience. Frankly it sounds a little gay.

Before screening the film for gathered press and Los Angeles Film Festival ticket holders, Soderbergh joked that IMAX was about to be bested. “This film tonight is being presented in Guy-Max,” he said in the theater. “It’s a new format. It’s disturbing but you know, just buckle up.

Guy-Max? Please. I’m not satisfied unless I can watch this from one of those vibrating seats they use for action movies. Preferably with shirtless Marky Mark as an usher, who periodically exhorts me to “feel it! feel it!”

Meanwhile, Movies.com sent Katie Calautti down to Hunk-o-Mania in New York to find out what real-life strippers thought about Magic Mike. It might shock you to learn that male strippers aren’t exactly scintillating conversationalists, but I did enjoy this quote:

Further distancing himself from the Tatum Effect, “Edward” deadpanned, “Honestly, we’re allowed to do this because of Susan B. Anthony. Let’s be honest, here.”

“Mmm, what up, girl, Susan B. Anthony is a hero, but that doesn’t mean I want her in my G-string, ya hear? This bod doesn’t take silver. Susan B. helped give you the right to vote, and I know you’d vote that this washboard deserves at least a Lincoln, alright alright alright…”