George Carlin famously had various creative descriptions for especially powerful farts, such as “It was a fart… that could end a marriage.” I can only imagine the kind of fart that would get a pistol pulled on you, but that’s exactly the kind of fart a New Jersey man cut Monday night.
An elderly man was arrested Monday night after a neighbor’s fart allegedly drove him to threaten him with a gun, police said.
Daniel Collins, 72, had been involved in an ongoing dispute with the unidentified neighbor for some time, Det. Lt. Andrew McGurr told NJ.com. The neighbor told officers that Collins pointed a revolver at him in the vestibule of their apartment building at 694 Cedar Lane at around 9:25 p.m. [NJ.com]The neighbors reportedly are involved in a dispute over noise. Collins told the neighbor, “I’m going to put a hole in your head,” according to police.
Collins was charged with aggravated assault, unlawful possession of a firearm, possession of a weapon for an unlawful purpose, and terroristic threats. [FoxNews]
So Collins told the neighbor to keep it down, and the neighbor responded with a resounding fart? Oh, I gotta meet this guy. He sounds like a man after my own heart. I once cut a silent-but-deadly fart on bus while I was sitting next to a pregnant lady that I seriously worried it could cause birth defects from the lack of oxygen.
“Let’s go fart on Old Man Collins!”
“Haha, yeah! Old Man Collins hates farts!”
I’m told Kevin James and the Farrelly Brothers are already in talks to buy the life rights.
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Florida read that headline, held its breath, and screamed in disappointment when it read it happened in New Jersey.
I call bullshit. How would anybody know if someone farted in New Jersey?
Bruce is my favorite silent but dead Lee.
He pullsh a finger, you pull a gun. THAT’sh the New Jershey way.
The Farrelly Brothers present: GunFart. Twist: the gun shoots farts. But by the end deadbeat cop KJ comes to realize that he can’t rely on the gun to solve all his problems. He had the ability to fart within him all along.
KJ: Drop the weapon or I’ll shoot!
Criminal: Make my day muthafu—-
KJ: [Pulls trigger] PPBBTTTHHHhhhhh….
Criminal: [Sniffs air] What the—!? I’m going to put a hole in your head”
Dammit Weezy! Why’d he put them beans on the grill??
What a jerk, we all know the dog did it.
No details on what the fart smelled like or what the farter ate prior to the fart? It’s called journalism, Vince.
His prison nickname will be Gaseous Clay
Collins is 72 years old. There’s a good chance he cut the fart himself. There’s an equally good chance there was no neighbour involved at all
In eight grade I farted in Mrs. Kowalchuck’s history class. Everyone laughed and she didn’t say a thing. I let another one go and once again everyone laughed, this time she asked whoever was farting to stop; which I replied with another loud fart. Mrs. Kowalchuck then stopped and asked who was farting and of course no one fessed up.
When she started teaching again I felt a good one brewing in my stomach, so I decided I’d build it up to make it extra loud. When it came out it was one of the most extraordinary farts I’ve ever heard.
Mrs. Kowalchuck spun around and demanded to know who was farting, I slowly raised my hand and she asked me why I keep farting in her class. I told said because it’s funny, she asked me why it’s funny and I couldn’t elaborate on WHY farts are funny. She told me I had to write her a report on why farts are funny for the next day or she would send me to the office.
I went home and couldn’t figure out why exactly farts were funny, but I instead wrote a report on the different kinds of farts and the ideal situations to do them. The next day I handed it to her and she gave me a blank stare and said she didn’t think I’d actually write one.
We had some class reading to do that day, so while we were reading Mrs. Kowalchuck began reading my paper. She bursted out laughing and said she HAD to read it out loud to the class. The class loved my paper and Mrs. Kowalchuck actually thanked me for putting in the effort. She also showed it to every teacher in the school, as well as the Vice Principle and Principle. The Principle ended up scanning the paper and framing it in his office.
TLDR: I achieved my life’s greatest success in eight grade
Is that the guy who kneed Kevin James in the face in that MMA movie clip?
Collins: Keep it down over there, wiil ya?
Kevin James: Sorry, man, we’ll tone it down a little. Hi, I’m Kevin James, you might have seen me in Paul Blart: Mall Cop . . .
Collins: Did you say FART ?!
*brutally knees Kevin James in the face*
Collins: Goddamn fartin’ sons-a-bitches . . . I’m movin’ back to Florida.
I saw this episode of Law & Odor.
Spoiler: IT WAS POOPIS!!
His ass probably functions like Robocop’s gun holster.
Fart again! Fart again! I dare you! I double dare you muthafucka!
The case was thrown out after the judge ruled “He who smelt it, dealt it”.