An Uproxx editorial meeting
It’s been a long time since I had a movie-going experience as weird and wonderful as There Will Be Blood (apparently other people DON’T giggle like schoolgirls when a priest gets beaten to death with a bowling pin. Go figure.). Drive comes close. In any case, my man panties have been moist for Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master since it was announced. It stars Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Amy Adams, and supposedly it’s an allegory for Scientology, but I doubt you’ll hear anyone admit that unless they like getting sued. Scientology is everywhere, man. Don’t piss them off. Just look what they did to John Travolta when he tried to leave– (*gets thrown in a black duffel bag by men in black suits, van speeds away*)
A 1950s-set drama centered on the relationship between a charismatic intellectual known as “the Master” [Philip Seymour Hoffman] whose faith-based organization begins to catch on in America, and a young drifter [Joaquin Phoenix] who becomes his right-hand man.
“Young man, do you ever feel like you’re just drifting from one place to another with no direction? Like you’re just sleep-Joaquin through life?”
Seriously though, I’m going to see this so hard my eyes scream the safety word.
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I give this film four thetan levels – roger xenubert
I can’t wait for Scientology to claim that Paul Thomas Anderson is a bigot who hates all religion and families and puppy dogs.
Weirdly enough, my eyeballs already have a safety word for Paul WS Anderson movies. Usually don’t make it past the opening credits.
Whoa, Joaquin is gettin’ his Gibson on there.
Phoenix is a legend, dude.
Do not support Megan Ellison buying her way into the movie industry with her daddy’s money.
She keeps financing movies like this one, I’m going to support the hell out of her.
I agree with Vince here.
Also, Joaquin Phoenix is awesome.
How dare she spend her Dad’s money wisely! She should have gone to work in the coal mines to earn her production money properly like the Weinsteins and Brian Glazer!
They should have put her in a glass JAHHHR!!!
she seems to be some kind of good movie oracle!
*laughs*
*slits wrists*
My friends had a similar experience during Inglorious Basterds, absolutely laughing our asses off to Hitler getting his face blown apart at close range. I’m pretty sure we were the only ones in the theater to have that reaction.
How could anyone not smile seeing Hitler’s face blown apart by machine gun fire. Its better than a GIF of puppies getting hugged by Kate Upton.
You take that back Brudlefly, you bastard, you take that back. Puppies getting hugged by Upton can never me topped! NEVAHHHHH! Wait…we’re talking her hugging sweater puppies here right?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED???
I thought for sure you’d use the screen grab of Joaquin rounding out that sand nipple. It must have been a tough call.
Why does my mind always confuse his name into “Philip Huffmore Seymen?” Was that a joke here before?
@Vince and here I thought I was the only one who couldn’t stop laughing in a dark theater at the bowling pin death scene.
…I’M FINISHED!
Unfortunately, my safety word is “more.”
Come on Vince. Uproxx doesn’t have editorial meetings.