ATTENTION. SATIRE IS NOW OBSOLETE. PLAN ACCORDINGLY. That is all.

Red Bull Media House has signed on to produce “Twist” for Pure Grass Films and the Salt Co.
“Twist,” a 3D retelling of Charles Dickens’ “Oliver Twist” set in the present day, comes from an original idea by the Brothers Lynch and Simon Thomas.
Story will center around the novel’s Fagin Gang, which will use the physical vaulting art of parkour to carry out a series of art thefts in the film.
Red Bull’s Sophokles Tasioulis, Pure Grass’ Ben Grass and Salt’s Piers Tempest will produce the pic and plan to begin pre-production in January. [Variety]

STEP UP 2 THA ORPHANAGE! IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE OOH WAH-AH AH-ORST OF TIMES!

If I told you this story, the story about Taylor Lautner’s parkour movie, and C-Tates’ “Die Hard in the White House” movie and told you to pick which one you thought was the fake, it would probably blow your mind when I told you that they were ALL REAL. What a world, man, what a world.

If you need me, I’ll be busy pitching Monster Energy on my modernized Dickens version of a sequel to Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, A Tail and Two Titties. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickelback.