Sony just released a new trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man, the movie they supposedly hate. They kept calling this “the untold story,” which seemed like a ballsy movie considering this is essentially the same origin story from the Sam Raimi/Spider-Man. But there are a couple of changes, probably the biggest of which being that this time around, it’s not the spider bite itself that gives Peter Parker superpowers, but rather the bite simply activates something that was already in his genetic code – he’s kind of a designer superhero now, a la Wolverine. And now he has to figure out what happened to his parents and who he really is. Which is great, because I always wished Spider-Man could be more like Abduction. (*shoots fart noises from web slingers*)
The other big change I noticed was that Andrew Garfield (Scarfield, as we like to call him), who’s British, seems to have achieved this accent by studying Shia Labeouf’s portrayal of Sam Witwicky in Transformers. Finally, that abrasive, sarcastic, belittling, New York A-hole superhero we’ve all been waiting for. “Eh oh, loogit this queer, he thinks I ain’ gonna shoot my webs on im ova heah. Hickory dickory dock, which one a dese crooks is gonna suck spidah man’s cock?”
Yeah, that was Andrew Dice Spider-Man. I regret nothing. Opens July 3rd.
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I hope I’m not alone, especially around here, when I say that I would WATCH. THE. FUCK. out of Andrew Dice Spider-Clay.
Enjoy your weird folded pizza, jerk.
Huh, that wasn’t meant to be a reply to you. I don’t think you’re a jerk at all.
You were more right than you think.
So he becomes a moody superhero as the result of an accident that triggers some experiment his mysterious father performed on him as a child?
“Profits are down. Things are looking grim. BUT, I have a bold idea: lets REMAKE Spider-Man! And, gentlemen, you know what the original was REALLY missing? The exact same story as Ang Lee’s Hulk movie. BOOYAH!”
*overdoses on cocaine, given posthumous Razzie*
Snarky Sony Exec: Oh, sure, “The Amaaaaaazing Spider-Man.” Loves it.
*exaggerated eye roll, quotation fingers around “amazing”*
So the villain in the movie is a goomba from the Mario Brothers movie? Color me sold!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Ugh…tourists
All we need now is for Michael Bay to tell us Peter Parker’s parents were aliens. This will help tie in the alien symbiote in the sequel and bring back more dancing, singing, and Spidey on Broadway.
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down
I was here on 9/11
I had no idea Rachel Maddow was going to be the new Spiderman. He’s so sexy.
/Yeah, you heard me, homo.
Ugh, why does Scarfield & Emma Stone have the have the same emotional connection in this movie as Rpattz and K-Stew have in Twilight?
Plus, Scarfield’s kinda an asshole in this movie. I wish that car thief would’ve said, “No need to be an asshole, man.”
So they’ve changed the characters origins from the origin everyone already knows and then they want to call it an untold story? That’s like me saying “Gather ’round while I recount the untold story of the time deep sea aliens invaded and sank the Titanic.” It’s untold because that’s not how it fucking happened.
To be fair, we’re talking about an anorexic white kid swinging by jizz-strands through New York City… “it” never fucking happened
Well then by extension why bother making any movies at all?
No. If you’re going to work with an established story (how old is Spider-Man, now?), and you’re going to completely cast that story aside, calling the new origin “untold” is disingenuous.
Did I really just see Sally Field playing Aunt May? Or is she his Yoda-esque mentor and reprising her role as a flying nun?
“Ey ‘deah, sweet tits! You wanna feel my Spidah Sense tinglin’ ovah heah? OOOOSH!”
I’m super glad that the villain is a Goomba from the Mario Bros movie.
Well, piss. Shoulda read all the comments before posting.
Are we sure it’s not the guy from Double Dragon?
Either that, or Michael Chiklis has a severe case of melanoma.
I never got into Spiderman, he seemed really easy to shoot in the face.
That how a lot of my spidey slash fic ends.
Crying girl clutching ripped shirt: “I just wanted you to rescue me!”
Andrew Dice Spiderman: “You got da bonus plan.” *flicks cigarette ash, cracks neck*
I see Emma Stone has officially taken over the “comely white girl who for some reason we all have to pretend is hot” role from Kristen Dunst. The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen!
Where do you live that Emma Stone is comely? I want to go to there.
You do know that “comely” means beautiful right? If you do, I’m not sure that I understand this comment, unless you mean that she’s pretty in a non-sexual way.
Here’s dismissive wank in your eye!
I didn’t know this was an animated feature.