"Hi, I'm Elijah Wood. I ate a baby once."

I saw this story about Elijah Wood joining a Spanish film called Grand Piano in my news feed a bunch of times without reading it because it sounded boring, but now I’m kicking myself for not clicking through to the subheadline.

The project, written by Damien Chazelle and to be directed by Eugenio Mira, is like “Speed” at a piano.

Wait, what? He’s going to ride around town on a piano? How does that work? Jeez, Spain sounds like a Dali painting.

The story concerns a once-great concert pianist who suffers from stage fright and comes back to perform after a five-year hiatus. Just when he’s about to play the first bar, he notices somebody has written a threatening note on his music sheet. He’s now forced to play his best concert ever to save his life as well as his wife’s. Think Speed at a piano. The movie will shoot at Ciudad de la Luz Studios in Alicante, Spain, and a week in Chicago. A late summer production start is being eyed. [THR]

Hmm, well I’m no script scientist, but the thing about Speed is that a bus moves. You have to watch out for little kids and try not to drive off overpasses. If Speed was set at a piano, there’s really no conflict until the climactic moment when you poop yourself. That’s not really a movie, it’s more like a concert with concerned faces. But if they are making a movie about a piano marathon, I’d suggest getting Carey Mulligan from Shame as the singer. That bitch can really stretch out a song.

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