Here’s the latest clip from Snow White and the Huntsman, a movie that looks like what would happen if you stuck a book of fairy tales, a Tapout shirt, and a Disturbed CD into that machine from The Fly and sprinkled them with cocaine. As you watch this, keep in mind that people around town are so high on this project that they already pulled the trigger on another script written by Evan Daugherty, and the studio is already fast-tracking a sequel. Yes, a sequel to Snow White & The Huntsman. Which is interesting, because the most impressive thing about this clip is how thoroughly it was able to convince me what a flaming turd this is going to be in just 38 seconds. Did you know: This made it onto the list of the best screenplays of the year? What could this script even look like?
INT. QUEEN’S CASTLE
Black stalactites fall from the vaulted ceiling, form into stalactite men, and attack. All looks grim until THOR shoulder charges one of them and they instantly disappear.
THE QUEEN
Come, and avenge your father.BELLA SWAN
(looking heartburned) YAAAAAAAAAAAH!They fight.
Fin.
It has to have more grunting sounds and ketchup stains than actual dialog, right? Oh man. This is going to terrible. Opens June 1st.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/how-about-two-more-red-band-clips-for-this-is-the-end-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Bill-Murray-Alpha-House-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/new-movie-trailer-thor-the-dark-world-from-marvel-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/new-movie-trailer-fro-ripd-starring-ryan-reynolds-jeff-bridges-150x150.jpg)
This isn’t the movie about the 2012 Republican ticket?
SNOOOW-AHAHAH-ITE!
I could’ve told you it’d be the worst movie of the summer just by looking at the trailer.
Here’s a crazy idea, Queen. Since you can control shards of stalactites, why don’t you just use them as projectiles and impale everyone? Kill ‘em all with once. No need to make zombies out of them. Just sayin’.
Stalactites? I thought those were Game of Thrones Queef Assassins.
/the word so nice they put “ass” in it twice.
Fuck that, they’re the Fighting Polygon Team.
Princess Heartburn looks like she’s about to collapse under the weight of her own armor, which is not a great quality in a heroine.
Charlize said pretty much the same thing, and effortlessly swatted the sword away. In other news, I stopped caring where fiction ends and reality begins.
Not enough lip-biting.
At least Jodie Foster had a hot phase in her youth. K-Stew looks like she grew up playing ‘Gloria Allred for the plaintif’ instead of “house” or “Barbies”
Truth!
I dunno, I think instead of “house” she’s been playing “House” all her life. All that lip-biting is really because she’s in constant pain from an old leg injury.
*hates self for watching “House”*
Its a guilty pleasure mate.
Ineffective warriors made of broken glass will always pay off in box office gold and sequels. Just like Young Sherlock Holmes.
i don’t know…that will ferrell / zach galifiakis thing looks even worse
There aren’t any good roles for the stalagmite men anymore.
Thor’s battle cry sounded a lot like: “FOR THE PAYCHECK!”
Wow, what got up your ass about this movie? There are at least ten shitty movies I could name coming out in the next month that look much worse than this. It looks pretty good, maybe not amazing, but certainly not terrible. And I’m so tired of morons piggybacking on the hype of hating Stewart just because she was in those silly Twilight movies. If you’ve seen other movies with her in them and you still think she sucks, fair enough. Otherwise, please grow out of your fucking diapers and form an opinion of your own.
A K-Stew supporter! Awesome!
Yeah, you jerks, check out all those other good movies she’s been in, like “The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas” or “Zathura: A Space Adventure” or my personal favorite, “Jumper.”
What got up my ass about it was the general awfulness and the part where the villain delivers overwrought soliloquys about killing the hero’s family while she shouts “NOOOOOOO.”
As for Kristen Stewart, I’ve now seen her in Into the Wild, Adventureland, and In the Land of the Women. I don’t think she’s the worst actress in the world, but she’s painfully one-note, and she desperately needs to break out of the “wounded dove who always looks constipated” character.
Let’s not forget Panic Room! Oh wait…let’s.
Okay, hold on a second . . . are we going with she looks constipated, or that she has constant heartburn? My vote is constipated, she looks like she eats a lot of P.F. Chang’s.
Name the shitty movies, Gauthier. I mean, I know you “unsubscribed” in the face of this injustice, but if you can name at least 10 shittier movies, then name them. I’m curious to know what you consider bad, as opposed to what the author of a site that offers opinions thinks.
Well I saw Adventureland and The Runaways and the lipbiter was so superb with her acting in the roles that I didn’t notice that her characters even existed.
The worst part of this movie, if it has *anything* to do with the Snow White story, is that the queen gets homicidally jealous when her mirror says that Snow White is prettier than she is. Kristen Stewart > Charlize? Haha, good one Mirror.
@Stallonewolf, I actually liked Panic Room, but mostly for:
1) Jodie Fosters late night trip to the bathroom (I regret nothing!)
2) Dwight Yoakam as Raoul
3) Forrest Whitaker as Lazy Eyed Security Expert
4) Ann Magnuson
Jesus tittyfucking Christ, do you even read this site?
that was directed at the OP, bee-tee-dubs
Why to the stalactites sound like Transformers and the Battleship… ships?
Is that the new BRAAHHHHM? Anthropomorphic beings whose movements sound like dubstep?
My favorite is the TV spot that has the tagline “This is NO FAIRY TALE!” followed immediately by footage of a knight battling a troll. Lolwut?
I will see it for Charlize. Because if I didn’t, when we finally meet she’d see it in my eyes and realize I’m not the man for her.
Also, milkbath. Never had that particular fetish, but she makes it look good.
are you sure that’s milk?
Needs more Downey Jr.
But they’ve already got Kristen Stewart?
Oh wait…you said Downey Jr, not Downs-y juniors.
My bad!
@Burnsy; What the hell? I didn’t ‘unsuscribe’, you fucking dickwad. Wow, I like reading this blog, but the few times I’ve posted an opinion, and it went counter-current to what everyone was saying, I got mocked because apparently I’m intruding on a lair of absolutely like-minded trolls where there is no place for any diverging idea. If the comment section is purely to agree with whatever is being said and demonstrate one’s wit with stupid puns and addendums then I’ll refrain from commenting, no skin off my back.
And it was a matter of speaking, but there are plenty of movies that I’m not going to see in theaters because they look like crap, and certainly worse than this one;
-Madagascar 3
-Rock of ages
-The dictator
-That’s my boy
-Dark Shadows
-Battleship
-Men in Black 3
-G.I. Joe retaliation
-Magic Mike
Oh noes, it’s not ten movies or more… I guess I don’t have an argument then… Oh and funnily enough, most of the movies I named in that little column are movies that have been ridiculed on this site in the last couple of weeks.
They make some tasty brands of decaf that you should try.
I feel like you can find something redeemable about all those movies more easily than you can this one. Granted, you still have to dig really, really deep for all of ‘em.
hey idiot gi joe retaliation and magic mike are going to own
fuk off nerd
My guess is that the backlash wouldn’t have been as bad if you didn’t open with “what’s up your ass?” and close with “grow out of your fucking diapers.” You can also use that tip in real life, it might help with finding and retaining friendships.
Oh, wait. You ARE Kristin Stewart.
HEY FUCK YOU GAULTIER! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO’S IN MAGIC MIKE?! SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT.
I agree with fart balls and everything he said.
So you have the time to get all uppity pissed off about your psycho love for K-Stew but you can’t take the time to name one more movie? Laaaaaaaaaaaaaazy.
hey, fuck you! magic mike is going to be awesome.
Yeah from what I’ve seen it looks like the kind of mindless summer flick that’s gonna get mixed to mostly negative views from the critics but the stupid masses will still reward it with a big box office.
And it’s not by accident that they cast the lipbiter as they knew that if her drooling fawning fans would fall for someone as awful as the twilight trash, they’ll go for anything else with their lipbiter.
For the love of god, can someone please give that poor girl some fiber bars! She’s had that look on her face for years now, her digestive tract must look like the 101 in LA on a Friday Afternoon!
Battleship is going to make Snow White and the Huntsman look like Prometheus.
More like “Snow Way I’m seeing this movie”
Logged in to comment on the movie, stayed for the puns.
Also, this movie is going to suck.
@Gauthier – The Mighty Feklahr has two questions and a comment:
1. What did you like about the Snow White trailer in this post?
2. How is, “There are at least ten movies I could easily name without falling short EVEN SHITTIER THAN SNOW WHITE being released in the month (or so…give or take)!” a defense of this Snow White movie?
3. This spot reserved for genitalia humbling ad hominem that is a million times more likely to get an actual response from Gauthier than either of these questions.
Oh my God this for comment of the week:
fart balls
hey idiot gi joe retaliation and magic mike are going to own
fuk off nerd
@Gauthier
I am shocked by some of the movies u have listed. this shows that your taste in movies is below average. i still dont understand how you think SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN will be better than BATTLESHIP, MEN IN BLACK 3, DARK SHADOWS, MAGIC MIKE ROCK OF AGES and finally G.I. JOE
This flik looks ridiculous. As expected kstews butch manliness comes poppin thru like a hernia. She’s the new Jodi Foster so hollywoods wastin time casting her in romantic luv tales. why didn’t they use 1 of the 100s of pretty, shapely, feminine actresses? This flik is no comparison to Battleship, Prometheus, Bourne Legacy.
has anyone else see the comedy central advertisements for this movie?