Oh, just the Hulk disemboweling a plane, nbd.
(No, There Aren’t Any Spoilers)
The first thirty minutes of The Avengers are painfully boring, but then the Hulk starts smashing stuff, and there’s a giant robot space worm that jizzes flying demon bikes and after that it was awesome! Perhaps this won’t win me any Pulitzers, but that’s my professional opinion.
“We have a Hulk!” Tony Stark yells in the previews. Yes, they do, and thank God. Without him, this wouldn’t be much of a movie. The first act is every bit the esoteric circle jerk the Whedon haters worried it would be, a mish-mash of nonsensical comic-book procedural minutiae, periodically interrupted by winky in-jokes ranging from the sorta cute-funny to the nauseatingly kitschy.
“Loki has stolen the tesseract! It looks like he’s planning to implode the hydro weapon and use gamma rays to create ion fusion!
“But if he creates ion fusion, it could….”
“That’s right! It would awaken the Chitauri and bring about terra forma!”
“SOMETHING SOMETHING MACGUFFIN, WE HAVE TO REVERSE THE POLARITY!”
(*Tony Stark looks directly into the camera*)
“…F*ck yeah we do.” (*lip bite, hip thrust, gun fingers*)
You basically get a WWE hype reel for each character, and when they finally do get in the same room together, their characters are so specifically and rigidly defined that it’s like watching Sex and the City for nerds.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
You guys! Stop fighting! I really think we should listen to orders because I was in the war.
THOR
Quiet, fool! Your Earth words are like ants biting my space ears. We all know this is about my space brother.
TONY STARK
Whoa, there Yokeahontas, project much? I like your dress, though. Is that Versace? (to camera) I’M ROBERT DOWNEY, BITCH!
CAPTAIN AMERICA
Don’t you ever take anything seriously?!
TONY STARK
Me? No, sorry, I was too busy… being a billionaire! (*hits play on boombox, it blares AC/DC*)
AGENT SCARJO AS A REDHEAD
I have no idea why I’m here. I don’t even remember my character’s name.
Get it? Their characters are always doing things that type of character would do! Classic Thor. Obviously, Tony is the Samantha. Meanwhile, the main effect of the movie being in 3D is that every establishing shot has to have a leaf or a tree trunk or a lamppost in the foreground as if to say, “LOOK, THIS SHOT HAS DEPTH!”
I’m exaggerating slightly – some of the winky-wink jokes strike just the right tone of irreverence to make the minutiae palatable. But to some degree, Joss Whedon is so concerned with smirk-checking all the genre tropes that he seems not to notice that he doesn’t actually need all of them. STOP TONGUE-KISSING THE FANBOYS AND MAKE A MOVIE, DAMN YOU!
FINALLY, the Hulk shows up. And dudes? It is so righteous. The Hulk is the ultimate superhero for blackout drunks. An unkillable juggernaut of unfocused rage, he’s constantly waking up in craters at the end of trails of destruction, not really remembering what happened and apologizing profusely for any trouble. “Oh God I’m so sorry, I didn’t do anything terrible this time, did I? That other guy… he’s a monster.”
“Aw, man, he’s not that bad. You’re just shame spiraling. …Actually, you were kind of sweet.”
Every young man secretly dreams that his drunken, Philistine conniptions could one day save the world, and The Avengers plays that aspect of the Hulk perfectly (is this getting cathartic yet?). And from the audience reaction, he played equally well to small children.
A CHUBBY 10-YEAR-OLD WALKING NEXT TO ME ON THE WAY OUT OF THE SCREENING
Did you see when the Hulk was all (*explosion sound*) and he punched Thor?!
ME
Yeah, dude, that was fuc– Uh, I mean… yeah, that was my favorite part too.
KID
If I was Thor, I would rob a bank! (at this point he ran off with his arms spread, making punching sounds)
I suspect Avengers will play amazingly to kids, for the same reason that half this review is “WASN’T IT AWESOME WHEN THE HULK SMASHED STUFF?!?”
The Hulk is a breath of fresh air, partly because the other characters’ powers are a little fuzzily defined. Thor can summon lightning sometimes, and it’s cool that Loki can occasionally make holograms (?) of himself and morph into his space clothes (love the horned helmet), but it’s pretty hazy what Loki’s powers actually are, or when he can use them. Which makes the lo-fi appeal of the Hulk tearing peoples’ arms off and punting them into the sun all the more appealing.
The biggest difference between this and something like the Dark Knight is that where Chris Nolan is concerned with redefining genre (and can border on overly self-serious), Joss Whedon writes gushy love letters to genre (and can border on overly kitschy). I could’ve done without a lot of the first third of The Avengers, and without Hawkeye and Black Widow, who are pointless characters and too silly to require inclusion anyway, but by the time we get to the final fight, which was brilliantly shot and had me squealing with glee, Whedon’s passion had become contagious.
There was also lots of my new favorite genre cliché, a flying craft that can rocket across the sky at Mach 10 and bank 20G turns while being operated by a guy standing nonchalantly in front of the controls without a harness. Between this and Prometheus, piloting a rocketplane like a Segway could be the new “moving holograms around with your hands.”
GRADE: B+
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Leonardo-DiGatsbyo-Cigar-dog-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Iron-Man-3-Robert-Downey-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Kingsley-RDJ-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/new-movie-trailer-thor-the-dark-world-from-marvel-150x150.jpg)
I’ve always thought the Pulitzer committee has snobbishly ignored the difficulty in properly using “jizzes” in publication and literature.
“SOMETHING SOMETHING MACGUFFIN”
Gold.
Tony Snarks Agrees.
About where I thought you would come out. Now I’m really optimistic that the back half is going to be great popcorn action.
*puts fingers in ears, dick in popcorn bucket*
LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU! IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME!
It is Burnsy, it is.
*adjusts his Captain America jammies.*
Don’t worry Burnsy – it’s pure undiluted AWESOME.
dude, it was INSANELY good
I’m kind of shocked. I LOVED IT! I did miss the first 10 minutes waiting in line for popcorn. Maybe that helped. I was really blown away though. Can’t write anymore, gotta get busy planning my wedding to Capt. America.
I think I expected too much from the reviews I’d seen (OMG GR8EST SUPER-HERO MOVAY EVAR!!!!one!). This review seems much more appropriate. It was good eye candy/action, but don’t expect anything more than that.
What makes this Hulk better than the others?
He actually got to smash things in this movie instead of mope around and be all “this awesome smashing power is a curse!”
FUN RANDOM FACT: The dude who plays Agent Coulson (the SHIELD guy in all these movies) wrote and directed the adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk’s “Choke” (starring FD favorite Sam Rockwell).
*disappears in a cloud of smoke, never gets laid ever*
The movie is even alright. Pretty good adaptation as well.
Agent Coulson was in the last two episodes of Sports Night and for that I will forever irrationally love him.
Did it not come through that this review was meant to be like 90% positive? I make fun of the silliness because it’s silly, but it mostly works.
It did not, no.
I was surprised to see a grade higher than a C+/B- at the end.
Also, you recycled the Nolan/Whedon comparison from yesterday.
*adjusts glasses* *punches self in face*
So what you’re telling us is that Internal Affairs was in on it the whole time?
Kinda sorta. I don’t think any positive review ever started with “Its like sex and the city for nerds.” Plus the imaginary conversation between the avengers sets a negative tone. The last 2 paragraphs were the only parts that had anything remotely nice to say about the movie.
Sorry. Not sure what happened that it posted twice. So now I will add a 3rd post to take up more space.
IF IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 90% WHY DIDNT YOU GIVE IT AN A- JERKOFF
Yeah, I didn’t get that at all, very surprised you gave it a B+
I agree totally. Ruffalo is even pretty damn good as Banner, he spends the whole film looking like he has tooth-ache; he’s constantly checking every corner of the room for sharp objects and his fists are clenched. He’s awesome. I rewatched INCREDIBLE HULK afterwards and he shits on Norton from a great height. The final third is TRANSFORMERS directed by somebody with no visual imagination, but there’s splosions and kicking and a sense of humour, so it’s never dull or stupid.
It is riddled with plot holes and bullshit nerd wish fulfillment. Hawkeye’s mere existence is a stipend to fanboys, because the team already has one completely pointless fanny with no powers, why do we need another one? The Shitauri (see what I did there) are just cannon fodder that I care zero about. This film is Hiddlestone and Ruffalo’s.
Also, anyone doubting that this film isn’t made directly for nerds – stay for the post-credits sequence and get back to me.
I’d still probably rank this somewhere in the top five to seven of superhero movies. Probably comparable to X-Men: First Class, which I also liked a lot.
So, “Five out of Six Blue Alien Tits” translates to a B+. It’s good to know these conversion rates.
I think the caption kinda set the tone for the overly negative review Vince. Does RDJ offer any snarky commentary on Scarjo’s breasticles?
As a follower of the old gods I hope Loki makes someone pay for this bullshit.
Aww, so did they even attempt to build-up Hawkeye or ScarJo as useful?
(I was at least hoping they’d have some sort of reason for the guy with a goddamn bow to exist – any of Kony’z Kidz holdin’ a rocket launcher would be way more effective.)
Yeah man – Whedon slides them into the team nicely. And Hawkeye’s high tech bow – although bullshit – totally had me believing in it as a viable replacement for super powers.
More like Tony SNARK amirite? hahahah!1!1
Did you see the Hulk’s muscles? More like Mark BUFFalo, amirite? HAHAHAHAaaaaaa
The bigger question is if the greater internet nerd collective will accept this movie or will it be months of “Worst. Movie. Ever.” nonsense.
it will be the equally annoying “best. movie. ever”
Did you see ScarJo’s breasts?!!
No jokes there, folks. You should just see ‘em. They’re all big and stuff.
Do they spend much time on the fish-out-of-water aspect of Captain America hanging out in the 21st century? Because I feel like you could easily make a 2 1/2 hour movie of him trying to wrap his mind around the US electing a black president.
+1 Stallonewolf, +1.
Amazing.
I laughed when he tipped SLJ a 10 because I assumed it was an old-timey-racism joke.
As opposed to honoring the $10 bet SLJ had made earlier?
I’ll make sure to get extra high before seeing this…
I’ll wait til this comes out on 3-D Blu-Ray for my Apple TV.
I’ll probably see this but no way I’m going to watch Hulk, Thor or Captain America to get their back stories.
I’m sorry The Dark Knight, there is a new king in town. This movie was fantastic from start to finish. When is the sequel coming out again?
Fuck yeah. Nolan can suck Whedon’s dick.
I dunno. The Joker’s philosophy was so well realized and then implemented into the themes of that flick. I don’t think any movie within genre will top it.
Yeah, but that’s the only thing that’s truly great about that movie. Plot wise it doesn’t make a lick of sense.
IMPORTANT QUESTION: Does Thor take off his shirt? And if so, how long does that scene last?
Easily the most important point.
Even more important question: why the fuck are all of our fellow ladies more interested in Hiddleston? I mean, Christ, I get lowering your expectations in real life — but this is the movies. If all men want to believe they could bang Candice Swanepoel in an alternate universe, surely all women could reach for the Chris Hemsworth stars.
I honestly had no idea who Candice Swanepoel was before this comment (and a quick Google image search).
Yeah, I could totally bang her.*
As a straight dude, by the way, I am in full agreement with sva7. Hemsworth is way better looking than Hiddleston.
*Not at all. Not ever in a million years. If we were on a deserted island? Yeah, she’d move to the other side of the island.
Wow, jaded much? This was way better than that mediocre First Class movie, sorry. If only for the special effects, this movie was a hundred times better than that X-men movie and way more elaborate. The choreography was also the best I have ever seen in a superhero movie, of a genre-defining quality comparable to the Matrix (talking purely about camerawork and fluidity). And I’m tired of seeing that stupid excuse used over and over again; that it’s a silly movie yadda yadda popcorn blah Black Widow is dumb. If you had your head out of your ass during the movie, you would have noticed that Whedon at least made an effort to have A) A worthy female counterpart to the superheroes, with the little material that he had to work with (I.e. There being nearly no interesting female characters in the Avengers world that were salvageable for this movie) and B) giving her a kickass part to play seeing as she’s the only human with no super-powers able to hold her own as much as the over-roided, mega-pimped superhumans around her. And all the idiots gasping about how Nolan is reinventing the genre and being all intellectual and dark; people are actually complaining about Whedon taking a good first hour of the movie to establish relationships between the characters, context and buildup? What’s so different from what Nolan is doing? I could just as well jeer at Bats’ ridiculous little phleghmy voice that brings a decidedly ‘silly’ twist to his entire franchise. I’m so tired of people underplaying this movie as if it were only enjoyable to ten year-olds.
Putting clips in your Glock handgun in the face of an invading army is retarded. No amount of assassin backstory is going to change that. He could’ve made that more believable but he didn’t.
I wasn’t complaining about Whedon “establishing relationships between the characters,” I was complaining about the characters spouting nonsense about ion fusion and reversed polarity and hydroweapons and blah blah blah. That’s not context, it’s crap.
I liked the movie, so I don’t know what you’re whining about. If you can’t concede a few faults, you’re blind.
Hydra weapons. As in the organization from Captain America. CONTINUITY!~
I also cannot stand the voice Christian Bale uses when he’s wearing the Batsuit. It actually materially detracts from the movies for me; it’s that absurd. Just my two cents.
[www.youtube.com]
That’s a link to the movie I directed. No joke. Yes I’m spamming, but I love this site and so consider it affectionate and personal spam, as opposed to the cold, indifferent spam we’re all used to.
Please watch.
The Avengers gets bonus marks for use the phrase “Mewling Quim”. Keep an ear out for it; it’s a belter.
Shit! I was going to mention that! I definitely shrieked with glee at that part.
Ok, sorry if I was being too nerd-ragey, I can certainly concede to certain faults in this movie, and of course it isn’t perfect but it’s just that the points being made against it are usually ones that I find shallow; of course you’re going to have techno-babble in it, it’s almost a prerequisite and probably tongue in cheek, of course certain odds in the fight scenes don’t make sense, but then again it’s a SUPERHERO movie, I don’t expect many of those aspects to be completely true to life… Also, please don’t use ‘retarded’. Not to troll, but that’s offensive. Personally, I just really loved this movie for many reasons; number one, being an illustrator myself, the CGI and battle choreography were pure art. Second, I’m a feminist, and Joss is well known for writing amazing female roles, I thought he did it in Avengers too, with what he was given.
In any case, if you enjoyed the movie that’s the most important part isn’t it.
So to recap: Retarded is not cool to say ever, you really like CGI, and unnecessary, ridiculous characters should be inserted into movies if they are female because feminism.
Hey! My sister suffers from illustrations and that’s just not cool. She has this bacterium that makes her spread her legs for any camera that comes her way and that is just not okay. Not to troll, but that’s just offensive. Avengers, more like spazmongers, amiriite?
Vince probably got at least 25 hate mails from outraged fanboys who didn’t get past the first comma in his review.
makes the “minutiae palatable”? “Philistine conniptions”? “cathartic”? you’re almost starting to sound like Armond White with all the fancy words.
I’d like to hear what Armond White-Hammond has to say about this.
Even though his views are ridiculous (like when he said Clash of the Titans was better than the entire LOTR trilogy), I do get a laugh whenever I read Armond White’s reviews. I’m sure his Avengers review will be priceless
His review over at CityArts was disappointing as hell. Not only does it lack the traditional “string together obscure and arguably meaningless terms into pretentious pronouncements” White style, he barely even discusses the movie. It’s basically just his canned rant against “corporate” movie-making for a “semi-illiterate” audience.
On the upside, a) he briefly sings the praises of the “daring” Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengance and b) plays the race card by dissing Samuel L. Jackson’s character and dropping a “Insert convenient Obama analogy here” parenthetical
it was boring at parts, but i don’t know if the boring parts made me appreciate the hulk smash sequences more, or if i’d like a full 90 minute action movie with no backstory. also, it must’ve cost a shitload for the hulk cgi because it looked really good, so i understand if it would’ve been too expensive.
Well if an idiot thought it was boring it must be smarter than I expected, because Vince is an idiot.
Vince, does it help at all that it wasn’t “hydroweapons” but “Hydra weapons” because that’s who Captain America fought in the 1st movie?
The reversed polarity blahbitty blah was ridiculous. I’ll have to grant that.
I know I’m gonna get burned for “jumping on the wagon” or whatnot, but I really enjoyed this film, for more reasons than you mentioned. I went in after trying to keep my expectations low, and found myself enjoying it far more than i’ve enjoyed just about any film in a cinema I can remember…
-The team work was great fun to watch, and solo hero films will seem dull in comparison now, but also…
-Watching the Avengers throw each other about was almost even better, Thor vs. Hulk being a particular highlight
- Captain America was actually more accurate in my mind than his own film, and more likable
- Black Widow and Hawkeye made a (semi)believably decent team
-It was funny, everyone had their moment
-Loki was an excellent villain, Tom Hiddleston so nearly pulled off the perfect balance
- Nick Fury was actually pretty badass, taking a rocket to his own jets was a bold move (kinda)
- NYC was used as a character, the locations were used very well I thought, rather than just
something to smash (like the last Hulk film)
Anyway, thats just what I think.
-agreed
-agreed
-agreed
-agreed
-agreed
-agreed
-agreed
-agreed
actually, it was shot in cleveland. most of new york was cgi. i think you just felt like saying the city was a character
Vince’s review is the age old story of the middle school kid badgering and hating all over the classmate he/she’s secretly in love with. Basically Helga from Hey Arnold!
The Avengers was awesome and way better than I thought it could be. Hawkeye and Black Widow were actually useful characters (basically I feel like I just saw that new Bourne movie already). Loki was great to watch the entire time, equally menacing and pretty damn funny. Cap turned out to be the military leader I hoped he’d be– his character probably benefits the most out of anyone for any future movies. And The Hulk stole the show, which was most surprising since his movies have been so mediocre (Mark Ruffalo finally nailed down Bruce Banner too… he wasn’t whiny, just neurotic and angry).
Yup, this is how an epic action movie is supposed to be. Suck it Transformers.
I was perfectly open about the fact that I came away from the film having enjoyed it a lot. That’s not going to keep me from making fun of the sillier bits.
^ fair enough, and of course I get that snark is your hook, but i read the first section of it before I saw the movie and was kinda worried that it sucked, hence why the plebeians here say you’re hatin’.
So, there is a Hulk? Good, because I was a little unclear on the issue from all the trailers.
Hulk.
STOP TONGUE-KISSING THE FANBOYS AND MAKE A MOVIE, DAMN YOU!
this. Looking at you “The Muppets”
Much better than the Armond White fanboy said. It was only boring because he was too stupid to understand the first third and can only understand “HULK SMASH”. Great fun, go see it.
Sorry, next time I’ll read up on tesseract and try to be fascinated by the same portal-to-another-dimension plot that’s in 15 other movies and high five my bros when they “reverse the polarity.”
WHAT AN IDIOT, HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT HYDRA WEAPONS! (*puffs inhaler*)
When I think of Vince, I picture Pauly D with a law degree. How far off the mark am I?
I didn’t agree with everything you said Vince, but I’m cool with the review. Now if you want to read a TRULY ridiculous reveiw read Armond White’s [www.nyfcc.com] (that dude is such a tool)
this is actually the first armond white review ive understood. also, he makes some good points
Good review Vince
Just got out of the theater so I hopped on here to see what you thought. It did drag a bit until Hulk showed up, although I thought ScarJo, Downey, Hiddlestone and Ruffalo were all good even before the Hulk appeared and the action picked up. I really liked Downey and Ruffalo’s scenes together when Evans was not around to muck them up. I liked that Banner wasn’t portrayed as the same wienie like he was during the bulk of Bana and Norton’s movies. I thought Scarjo’s interrogation scenes were great and the scene with her and Ruffalo was pretty good as well. Jackson was fine as Fury, but Evans, Hemsworth and Renner(surprisingly) were pretty damn dull when they were not fighting. I only had one gripe after the action picked up, and that was that I thought the whole shadowy council deal was lame and they should of used another method to introduce the final Macguffin into the fray. I decided to forego the 3-D this time glad to hear I did not miss out on mind blowing Avatar-esque 3-D
Hulk’s solution to Loki was one of the most amazing scenes I’ve seen in my entire life.
can’t wait for the GIF
I jumped up in my seat and clapped my hands together like a toddler when I saw it.
and it also had “moving holograms around with hands!”
I’ll give you that the first third was a bit slow, but as one of the fan boys you referenced a few times I couldn’t be much happier with this movie. Maybe cut out most of the cheesy 3d gimmick stuff (lasers pointing at the screen, someone throwing something at you) and add a few more of the bad ass ones (the iron man HUD was just plain sexy in 3d). Just small stuff like that. After that stuff it just seems like you’re whining about how the comic book movie pandered to nerds, and its silly you weren’t expecting that. They explained all the other characters in other movies (minus Hawkeye and Black Widow, maybe they’ll do a Thunderbolts movie or something) and references to old comic books is important to anyone who appreciates continuity, something marvel has always excelled at. I love the whole sex and the city for nerds thing, I’m gonna use that. But in reality, I don’t think a movie is asking too much for you to know a little bit about the background story in order to get all the references.
Vince is just pissed that his pal Ufford got to hug Kate Upton.
Saw it in 2D at a real drive-in tonight, no gimmicks, just outdoor air and Marvel mayhem. What a blast.
Vince, I forgive you for this.
I was gonna go into a whole big thing but I did like the review over all and I think the rating is fair enough. But I feel like I gotta defend Black Widow and Hawkeye.
I think that if you think of them as members of SHIELD rather than strictly being AVENGERS, then their presence makes perfect sense.
And come on, Hawkeye’s multi-purpose bow is f*cking cool.
And so is Johansson’s ass in that outfit.
This movie was fucking awesome.
Thank you! I liked it. I didn’t love it. The Whedonspeak was really starting to get under my skin, especially with an entire theatre blowing milk out of their noses at lines that had my eyes rolling right out of my skull.
What is “Whedonspeak”?
It’s where character dialogue is made up almost entirely of pop-culture one-liners. If tension were to be accidentally built, it must be released immediately with a comedic one-liner.
1. Complain about too many bad jokes shoe-horned into a 120+ minute movie.
2. Shoe-horn many bad jokes into review of said movie.
3. Pretend the irony was intentional.
1. Misunderstand concept of parody
2. Create strangely earnest user name.
3. Leave snide, dickish comment on website because reviewer gave movie mostly-positive, B+ review instead of glowing, sycophantic A+ review.
4. Pat self on back.
5. ???
6. Profit.
1. The review was a parody? If you say so.
2. B+ grade is fair for the movie, but the review is more of a BM.
3. I haven’t seen the ???/profit thing in a while. Very creative.
4. Why is my user name strangely earnest? Are you so used to your readers not being earnest? I will leave and let you get back to writing another review for the same 20 backslappers for eternity.
So you agree with the review but the tone wasn’t reverent enough for you? Sorry, I’ll be more self-serious next time. Not enough self-serious movie critics out there, people are always saying.
TROLLOLOL
It was a funny review and you were spot on about the first 30 min. People get very emotional about their on-screen, would be alter egos.
I personally didn’t like the actress unless she was kicking stuff or doing somersaults, but the actual character – Black Widow, was given some decent action scenes considering the time allotted to her. I agree Scar Jo shooting at the metal aliens was retarded. But that has more to do with her face.
Just saying, don’t blame the only kick-as female character in the movie, because the actress who plays her can only register about two emotions without hurting herself.
+1
RIP Vince’s inner child. Wink.
Which review is going to get more comments: Avengers or Batman?
hi
life is simple.
hi hw r u doin?