THIS WEEK: This week, we've got a ton of new posters and stills, including Anthony Hopkins as Alfred Hitchcock, Spider-Man, Prometheus and more, so don't just stop at the first page.
ABOVE: I did my best to make the Rock of Ages poster tolerable. How'd I do? Squatting Al Pacino, the Asian World Cup Kid, and Michael Bay's tiger go a long way, but look at that pose Russell Brand is doing. You could put that in the Godfather poster and people would be like "Fuuuuuck this."
See? Here's the original. The movie looks great if you ever wanted to see fruity theater kids over-act to even shittier covers of shitty music from the 80s. It's too bad the title "Coyote Ugly" was already taken, because if ever there was a movie I'd gnaw my own arm off to get out of, it's this one.
Why did they make this movie? BECAUSE FANTASY MASH-UPS ARE TOTALLY HOT RIGHT NOW!
Why is he standing diagonally? BECAUSE DIAGONAL POSTERS ARE TOTALLY HOT RIGHT NOW!
I might be into this if I could tell it wasn't taking itself too seriously. Right now it looks about as tongue in cheek as the Ayatollah.
Here's a new still from The Amazing Spider-Man. I hope the next shot is of Spider-Man holding his arm next to his crotch like a cock while pretending to jack it off and shooting web jizz on everyone, because that's probably the first thing I'd do if I was Spider-Man.
I'm very immature.
[via ThePlaylist]
Here's Anthony Hopkins as Alfred Hitchcock in Sacha Gervasi's Hitchcock.
Directed by Sacha Gervasi, the feature will explore the psyche of Alfred Hitchcock as it follows the complicated filming of Psycho in 1960. Helen Mirren plays the filmmaker's wife, Alma, while Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel play actresses Janet Leigh and Vera Miles respectively. James D’Arcy portrays Anthony Perkins, whose interpretation of the psychopath Norman Bates became one of his most famous. [Yahoo]
OH MY GOD, HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ALFRED HITCHCOCK! AND WHAT AN APT TITLE!
You can tell he's super serious by the way he keeps his head tilted downwards like that. What is it about keeping your head tilted downwards that makes you a badass? All I know is that according to movies, looking out of the center of your eyeballs is a mega bitch move.
So you guys think this is going to be a huge flop or what? It's hard to go wrong with a Spider-Man movie, commercially, but I don't know, I'm sensing mass apathy for this one. Am I crazy? No one chose it as a bomb pick for our Fantasy Summer Box Office Game, but speaking for myself, the only reason I didn't was that it didn't cost much.
It's like your sister in that way.
So Rebecca Hall went from starring opposite Ben Affleck and Jeremy Renner in The Town to this? I don't know who Chandler Canterbury is, but that name would make the Lacrosse All-Name Team first ballot for sure. It could just be the font, but this poster makes it look like a direct-to-DVD American Pie sequel. Which is a shame, because the trailer doesn't look half bad.
I still can't get over the fact that they had the time to make sure we all knew Battleship and Hasbro are registered trademarks, but not enough time to stick a comma somewhere in "FROM HASBRO THE COMPANY THAT BROUGHT YOU TRANSFORMERS." It's like that dumb guy who's really mad at you on the internet but you can't take him seriously because it's impossible to read his words without picturing a malfunctioning robot. I AM VERY ANGRY DUDE YOUR A DOUCHE F*CK YOU BRO I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE NOW GONNA MESS YOU UP BRO MEEP MORP
Also, everything about this poster is a disaster.
Again, I point out that I can't tell if the main girl from Brave is 10-years-old or 30. She has the head of a baby and the body of a basketball player.
I enjoyed this poster so much I stopped and dedicated an entire post to it. You can't see shirtless Faizon Love and not think "fun." Shirtless Faizon Love is a dog in sunglasses personified.
DAYUMMM! This one's the first still for High School, which asks the question, "What if we made a white version of Budz House?"
Holy hell, is that Adrien Brody? Jesus, it is. I need to go lie down. This is... all happening too fast.
Same question as with Budz House: HOW IS THIS NOT OPENING ON 4/20? These stoners can't do anything right.
Does anyone else see a billowing red dress in a poster and automatically think "overwrought piece of shit?" Neil Jordan is the director of The Crying Game and that Colin Farrell mermaid movie, incidentally. It was a total cock block to call this "Byzantium" and then make it about vampires, because I would watch literally anything set during the Byzantine Empire. Especially if it has a map or an old oil painting during the credits, that stuff is Vince crack. I will watch pretty much any period piece. Which you can tell because I DVR The Borgias. I think that's actually The Borgias tagline , "The Borgias: literally any period piece." And it is most definitely overwrought and shitty. Incidentally, Neil Jordan created The Borgias. And we've come full circle. Okay, overwrought and strangely watchable might be a fairer description.
WITNESS: The most generic poster of all time.
THIS SUMMER... A MOVIE... Starring ACTORS! "They shot it with cameras!" says Pete Hammond. Rolling Stone adds "Projected onto a screen in a theater!"
"Okay, gang, I've called this meeting to brainstorm ideas for how we can keep this Diary of a Wimpy Kid franchise going. I mean, he's a kid, he's wimpy, he's got a diary - after two movies, I think people get it. How can we squeeze more content out of this?"
(*assistant raises hand*)
"...Um, we could... add a dog, and call it 'Dog Days?'"
"Goddammit, people, that's why Jenkins is getting a raise. Now who wants cocaine?"
Get it? Because he's like, a big deal.
Here's a still from Ender's Game, a sci-fi picture starring Harrison Ford and Viola Davis. I haven't read the book, so sue me.
Author Orson Scott Card wrote about multimedia tablets, the power held by the written word on the internet and electronic monitoring devices in his 1985 novel. These things are, more or less, commonplace today. So it’s fitting that these new images from the Ender’s Game film production show this technology not as obtrusive, but as practical. One of the understated but necessary devices is “the monitor,” an implant that connects Andrew “Ender” Wiggin to his overseers. [Collider]
Oh sure, the plug is always on the brain stem. Why not make it somewhere creative, like a third nipple? Anyway, I've got nothing to say about this one. Call it "Fassbender's Game" and I'm there.
Isn't Yoni Netanyahu that Australian dude with the crazy hair? I'll see this. I always wondered what happened to that guy.
"The Highest Pass is within us this journey to realize that." So, is that the secret to enlightenment now? You just take a normal sentence and switch the words around so they make no sense but kind of sound like they might be profound if you could understand them? LOOK OUT, DEEPAK CHOPRA! I'M ON TO YOUR TRICKS!
This movie is about the invention of the vibrator. Check out that broad at the bottom, she's totally drilling herself right now. I imagine all Victorian ladies wore elaborate hats like that while vibratoring themselves. Masturbating was like opening day at the races back then.
Is that a bear-skin rug? "LOOK EVERYONE! WE TARTED UP THIS STUFFY-NOSED LITTLE REDNECK AND SPLAYED HER OUT ON A F*CK RUG!"
I can't even tell if she's pretty anymore, all I can think about when I look at her is her awful nose voice.
I love Zac Efron movies if only because I cannot WAIT to do a Plot Recreated with Reviews for this.
It's probably not Kerouac's fault that advertising has been driving this into the ground for the last 60 years, but any "____ is ____" statement is meaningless. If those two things were the same, they'd be the same word. Remember "impossible is nothing?" That doesn't even make sense.
If they wanted to show "desirous of everything at the same time" they should've showed him eating a sandwich while playing XBox and getting a BJ. Okay, this may have just gotten a little cathartic.
"Sometimes in life the odds are in your favour."
With that tagline and this poster, I want this to be a version of The Hunger Games where horses battle to the death, but somehow I doubt that's the case.
That's just nice retro schlock right there.
They're going to make 20 of these, aren't they.
I find Fassbender's pleasantly-amused robot face almost as mesmerizing as his dong. Still, the poster can't hold a candle to the screencap of him smelling flowers:
Another Prometheus viral image. I assume this is the pod inside Prometheus (the name of the space ship) that people ride in.
Apparently "bionomic" is another word for ecological. Sounds cool though.
ION PLASMA WEAPONS! I wonder who the first guy was to put "plasma gun" into his futuristic videogame or movie. That guy should be getting royalties. Because I don't even know how a "plasma gun" would even work (OH NO, HE'S TURNED ME INTO A FLATSCREEN!) but it shows up in EVERYTHING.
So... was I supposed to be crying already?
Here's the Spanish poster for The Raven, my Bomb pick for this year's Fantasy Summer Box Office contest. I think I'm screwed, because the budget isn't that big, and horror-type movies are usually front-loaded. As for the poster, it seems to suggest that "Cuervo" is Spanish for raven, which I never realized. Does that mean Jose Cuervo is Spanish for "Joe Raven?" Sounds so much less fancy. Joe Raven could be like a regional Criss Angel. "Coming this week, to the Nebraska state fair..."
This movie looks like an Ed Hardy nightmare, but the crow suit is kind of cool.
I should probably watch this. I probably know less about hip hop than Ron Paul.
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Why you gotta hate on the Dirty South Ice T?
If my wife makes me watch Rock of Ages I’m going to beat her unconscious and then jam it in her ass.
And by “it” I mean the DVD of Rock of Ages. Then I’ll return it to Redbox and people will know how good the movie is based on the smell.
My wife said if I watch Rock of Ages with her she’ll let me jam it in her ass while she’s actually awake, and by “it” I don’t mean the DVD of Rock of Ages.
I’m having a hard time deciding.
It’s not that great.
With your wife, I mean.
I salute the both of you for making me cry tears of joyous laughter.
Also, I will see Wimpy Kid.
Those movies are great stoned. Although most movies are. I don’t know. I just formed a weird bong with those….dong….bond….weird bond with those…..I think it was the zooeeemama.
I will rent all of those stoner movies. Stoner movies are a no-brainer.
I hear they’re giving out free bottles of simple sugar on opening weekend
Hysteria: Awwwww Yeeeaaaahhh.
How did nobody see that?
Come Sail Away…. to space with Tom Cruise
Shirtless Faizon Love and Shirtless Bill Murray holding an axe together would make anyone’s butthole squint with joy.
“With that tagline and this poster, I want this to be a version of The Hunger Games where horses battle to the death, but somehow I doubt that’s the case.”
Didn’t HBO already do that?
Ok, I’ve only gotten as far as Outside Bet, but did you see that it features an actress named Rita Tushingham? That’s like the female version of Benedict Cumberbatch.
I read it as Outside B.E.T. and yes, the people look as far away from it as possible.
It’d be awesome if Garrett Hedlund does drugs in this, wakes up in a strange neon world and the academic community realizes Kerouac was really setting up a prequel for TRON.
Anytime a movie ad (or any ad for that matter) emphasizes tits, I always think of George Carlin’s thoughts on advertising: “Just show an image of big tits. That’s the essence of advertising: BIG TITS. THREATENINGLY, big tits”.
I like that Bret’s reason for why this movie didn’t cost much is that, “…They just put wigs on everyone.” I wonder if he realized “everyone” is a sh*t ton of people – all pulling down a nice chunk of change – singing licensed music from royalty-loving blowhards. I’m fairly certain Tom Cruise alone doesn’t return a phone call for less than 8 figures.
Change “figures” you “inches” in that last sentence and it is still accurate.
Change “Tom Cruise” to “Kim Kardashian” and “figures” to “black guys” and it is also still accurate, except for the part where she’s not in the movie.
I would see that movie if the tagline was “Road Head is Life”.
Damn you Mancini, you’re gonna force me to respect you against my will aren’t you? That Joe Raven bit might have been the best thing you’ve written…or I slipped that mickey into the wrong drink…crap.
FUCK YEAH BITCHES! ENDER’S GAME!!!!!!!
*strokes out*
*dies*
Because I just finished listening to the last frotcast today and the fantasy box office game was mentioned in this post…
Wouldn’t Vince’s super-awesome best-pick-ever of The Dark Knight Rises also make a pretty damn good “bomb” pick? Wikipedia puts its budget at $250 million, so even with the biggest opening weekend ever ($170 million) it can still “bomb” by more than the entire budget of Rock of Ages ($80 million).
YOUR PRETEND GAME HAS HOLES, MANCINI.
Also, I hate to say it, but Dark Knight Rises isn’t touching the Dark Knight grosses. It doesn’t star an upcoming and beloved young actor who just died unexpectedly, in an amazing performance. Also, how the f*ck is The Avengers a bad pick? Every Charlie Cheese-steak in America is flipping sh*t for that movie. It’ll easily do better than Prometheus. Again, I’m not happy about any of this, but …Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang theory are like the highest rated shows on TV.
Did anyone else have problems figuring out who was actually supposed to be in the photoshopped poster?
Yes.
I thought for sure the Russell Brand was photoshopped in and Gary Busey was not. Also, is that Alec Baldwin in the KISS shirt? I thought that was photoshopped too. Good lord I thought the musical looked awful in a one-minute segment I saw on The Today Show, this looks like ten Kermit the Frogs vomiting at the same time.
The Road’s subtitle should be “Sam Riley, because Johnny Depp is too old.”
Quill: Part Puppy, Part slipper… all tears.
*sings*
Joe Raven, you are a friend of mine! I like to drink you while I’m buried alive!
See, cuz in all of Poe’s stories… Oh, Nevermor– er, nervermind.
Will they address in the movie how Spiderman can breathe if he’s wearing a seemingly enclosed rubber mask?
Bob Hoskins once said Super Mario Bros was the only movie he’s done he regrets. What you wanna bet that’s changed?
I thought you grew up with hispanics? “Jose Cuervo” is Spanish for “date rape”.
*adjusts glasses* Vince Plasma is super heated liquid often so hot that it seems like energy. *snorts* I mean any hot chick who loves Star Wars knows that, so why don’t you?!
regarding Snow White… at least they lined up the names with the pictures, amirite?
The Raven’s name in spanish is also the spanish name for The Crow. Just sayin.
FIRE IT UP!! FIRE IT UP!!! FIRE IT UP!!!
CAW CAW BANG FUCK I’M DEAD
Rock of Ages is going to suck like Tom Cruise at a Scientology Youth Camp.
C’mon Cooch, yew knoow Joew Raaaven is Bawlmer’s oown Jooew Flaccooow!!!!
I like the shade of blue they use in the Fassbender Prometheus poster. It’s the same color as my balls waiting for the fucking thing.
What Abe Lincoln: Vamp hunter as a movie is trying to do is draw the hipster crowd and the movie geeks who see shit like The Mummy by being an absurd concept that pulls people in by pure gimmick.
They make the movie super serious and violent but still a spectacle so everyone is all “Ya, that movie was so badass. Who’da thunk, huh?” Then it picks up steam on message boards with everyone saying how cool and dark it is. And regardless of its quality, it’ll make a tidy profit because it probably didn’t cost that much and stick around just long enough to make its presence known then disappear.
How in the hell is that a legitimate pose by Russell Brand, I honestly thought Vince photoshopped him in to this photo.
Del Director de V De Vengaza.
I’ve been trying since yesterday to tie this to Tarantino and to Travolta’s character in Pulp Fiction and I’ve still got nothing. Someone help a brother out.
I think that david 8 looks like frasier´s brother niles and ewan mcgregor.
Henry Cavill is Cole Light. Bruce Willis IS Mr. Day.
Who put together that Rock of Ages cast? That movie will be so shitty that its still shitty.