It was another great week in clever commenting, but hey, I don’t need to tell you that, this is FilmDrunk! Before we get to this week’s winner, (who, as per usual, will be taking home a FilmDrunk shirt which you can
Jan: Taylor deserve more credit than many of you (particularly men) give him! Men are always bashing young Taylor on their comments! Taylor can act and one day all of you negative AH will kick yourselves in your AH!
Aw, much as I want to make fun of young (I assume — perhaps also foreign) Jan here for… well, everything, I find her need to abbreviate the word “asshole” incredibly endearing. I imagine her chastising me, hands on hips, unspeakably angry but still incapable of telling a swear. “You’re being a real… a real… well, a real J-E-R-K!”
Next up, remember the great FilmDrunk/Rape Van feud of 2009? Well this guy sure does:
vonalochi: Dude, f*ck you. That’s one bad ass van. More bad ass than your stupid comments that lack a point. It’s been three years now. Hopefully you’ve grown up a little and can appreciate differences in other people and fantastic artwork when you see it. You’re a prime example of the scum of this world. Argue about something that actually is going to apply to your life in the near future, because the reason why kids like YOU are working at Wendy’s making MY jr. bacon cheeseburgers is because all you ignorant f*cks do is go online and talk sh*t on people they know nothing about. Just remember the more enemies you make, the more prone you are to getting f*cked with, moron. On the internet or not. COMMON SENSE, fag.
“COMMON SENSE, fag,” really is the archetypal internet comment. I plan to use it as my new email closing. I’ve even used it to replace “sent from my iphone.” I also like the implication that the ultimate hallmark of success in life is having someone else to make your junior bacon cheeseburger for you. Well la di da, your highness. Wait, did you say “junior?” What are you, watching your figure or something? Call us when you grow up and start eating big boy cheeseburgers, FAG.
Ahh, we have fun, don’t we? Okay, time to choose a winner. I know you guys sort of vote on this stuff, but I had to overrule your nominations and seconds, because this was just too inspired. From my post about Jane Fonda playing Nancy Reagan in The Butler, about the White House butler, from Precious director Lee Daniels (my God, isn’t that just the movie-est-sounding movie ever?):
Fadeproof says:
You know there’s going to be a scene where the wizened old black butler is going to see a president with the weight of the world on his shoulder, just about ready to give up. Then he’ll say something like “Lookee here. I may not be some fancy cabinet member or the president, but I know when right is right. My grandmammy always said…”
And there is going be a scene with Nancy Reagan going through withdrawal in the White House bathroom. She’ll be breaking down trying to open a bottle of pills but her hands are too shaky, and the pills spill everywhere. Just then the magic black butler will come and say “Now, Miss Nancy, I told you don’t do drugs.” then Nancy will reply through her tears “How!? How do I stop this?! I’m too weak.” As her sobs become gentle shoulder shrugs the butler lifts her teary face gently by the chin and says “Easy, just say no.”
That is not only perfect, but I imagine scarily accurate. Email me to collect your Filmdrunk shirt, Fadeproof, you’ve earned it.
RUNNERS UP:
From Allen Covert publishes right-wing children’s books:
Albert Potato: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood President”
Albert Potato: “Dora the Deported”
Kobie: ‘Are You There God? Of Course You Are. It’s Me, Margaret.’
From The Wachowski Siblings want to send Channing Tatum to space:
Jessolido: Ground control to Major Playa…
Feklhr: In space, no one can hear you scream, “YEEEEAAAAAAAAH BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOYYYYYEEEEEEEE!”
Jessolido: C-Tates almost didn’t sign on to this project because of a misunderstanding about the term “Zero G”
Ace Rimmer: Tech 9 From Outer Space
Ragnarok: Check-it, Mila. Affer you get lipstick on C-Tates’ dipstick he gonna put rings aroun’ your anus, WHAT?
Ragnarok: Unhh – This astronaut gettin’ ready ta bust’a astro nut, WHAT!
From Battleship featured in worst anti-piracy ad of all time:
Patty Boots: Battleship is the cinematic equivalent of a singles’ artist album: nobody’s going to pay for the whole thing when there are only one or two good moments surrounded by lazy filler. (And that’s being generous.)
Basically, Battleship is the Rihanna album of movies.
From My review of The Hunger Games (which got more than 800 Facebook shares! holy crap, thanks, you guys!):
GutsAndTalent: Then at the end Arnold rips her and half and say something about “She’s just taking a Kat nap.” Right?
RIGHT?!
My God, that would’ve made it sooo much better.
porkythefirst: Right after she shoots an arrow at him, he dodges and says: “Vat’s da mattah? Did you Kat-miss?”
From Gary Busey gets in a fight over the set design of heaven (basically the best story of all time):
Ragnarok: What part of, “Every time a butthorn sounds, a spirit dog gets a slide whistle” didn’t you understand, numbnuts?!!
And finally, much as I hate to admit it because he leaves me mean messages about how much my bits suck on the Frotcast voicemail (415-275-0030, in case you were wondering), The White Beaner hits the Chloe Moretz nail on the head in This Week in Posters & Stills:
The White Beaner: Chloe Moretz (or her agent) has GOT to just be f*cking with us at this point. I bet she wears a Life Alert bracelet that goes straight to Dateline.
That’s it for this week. Thanks again and happy commenting. Remember, if you like a comment and want to see it in the running for next week’s CotW, nominate it by copy and pasting into the comments section below.