Thanks to Jim from Crappy Cinema Council for alerting me to the existence of this film, Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang, which features not only Gary Busey as a pro-wrestling vampire, but Ice T in a powdered wig. The rest of you, where the hell were you at on this one?! Someone must have known about this and not told me! Is this not the greatest movie poster in the history of man? Look at that expression on Ice T’s face! It doesn’t get any better! Now for the synopsis, which is going to melt your face off and squirt it back up your butt with a turkey baster.
One day, a boy named Jacob Two-Two (aptly named because every phrase that he utters is repeated) decides to set out to prove himself to his parents that he can do things, so his father, who is tired of hearing his wife order him to do the shopping, sets Jacob out to buy two tomatoes. As Jacob makes his way to buy them, the greengrocer in the shop keeps telling an officer that Jacob was threatening him, so Jacob escapes, but only just, hitting his head rather hard and awaking in court where he is sentenced to two years, two months, two weeks, two days, two hours, two minutes, and five seconds to a children’s prison run by not only a mad wrestler presumed lost, but also two (also aptly named) bird-like and fish-like cohorts as well as slimy humanoids that spray resisters with slime to stop them in their tracks. Helping Jacob in his mission are two young agents that aim to free all of the children kept prisoner in the swampy penitentiary. It is up to Jacob Two-Two to escape this heinous prison and free all of the other imprisoned children. [imdb]
Gary Busey raps… Ice Cube in a wig… Veiled clitoris reference in the title… Why am I crying, you ask? It’s just… (*sniff*) I didn’t know there was… such beauty in the world.
The Busey rap starts at about the one minute mark. “Is my brain gonna melt?” the kid asks. Kid, if your brain hasn’t melted already, you’re a better man than I. Incredibly, I’m not even sure the best part of this clip is Busey rapping about eating spider webs. I also enjoy that there’s some kind of fish creature playing bass, and a John Waters-looking dude accompanying him with a Fred-Schneider-from-the-B-52s-esque call and respond. (“OH. DEAR. THE HOODED FAAAANG.”) I wish I had a Fred Schneider guy following me around all day, loudly repeating everything I said, but more flamboyantly. (“He SAID he wants, a CUP of COFFAAAAAAAY!”)
This is actually a 1999 remake of a 1978 film, but I can’t imagine it’d be the same without rap or Ice T or Gary Busey. My God, this is just the best.
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They should have sent a poet, butthorn.
Is that Miranda Richardson with a silly prosthetic nose? This place has got everything!
he is sentenced to two years, two months, two weeks, two days, two hours, two minutes, and five seconds
I think the extra three seconds is a bit excessive. Poor kid kid.
Those are just for play play.
I am not ashemd to say that I picked up a copy of this movie for $2 at an FYE, and yes it is as amazing as you would think it is!
Looks like a job for Samson.
This features not one but two Academy Award nominees. Unsurprisingly, this is not on Miranda Richardson’s Wikipedia page.
I wish I had a Fred Schneider guy following me around all day, loudly repeating everything I said, but more flamboyantly.
Would have sworn that’s how Burnsy got this gig at Uproxx.
set out to prove himself to his parents that he can do things
That boy’s got moxie I tell ya!
His parents were tired of hearing him say over and over that he was going to do things. It was time for action!
This movie only works because the actual Gary Busey is scared of garlic.
Holy shit that’s Mark McKinney from Kids In The Hall at the beginning, too!
The Fred Schneider guy, I should say.
There was a terrible mix-up in casting and contracting Busey for this. He thought he’d be playing a VAMPRIRE. Very Anemic Manatee Primarily Residing In Rivers & Estuaries.
Vampire Busey squashes rap beefs from the top rope.
Why cast an actor with classic Hollywood good looks if you’re just going to cover them with a wrestling mask?
via IMDB: aka “O Jacob kai to maskaremeno teras” – Greece (TV title)
‘Jacob and the masked monster’ – apparently they dropped the tutu, the pervs.
And of course it was shown on Greek TV. Greek television is pretty much the worst.
This movie won the 2000 Canadian Comedy Award, give it the respect it deserves
Winner of Best new Canadian comedy: Old SCTV.
Story was fine until “awaking” hit me over the head. Not cromulent, man. Not cromulent at all.
So. Apparently I’m not impotent anymore.
So the kid had the speech impediment BEFORE he ‘wrestled’ with the guy in the mask?
…Would’ve figured that would work the other way around…
IN THE 1978 ORIGINAL, ALEX ‘MONGO’ KARRAS’ PLAYED THE HOODED FANG
This get more and more fascinating.
Just goes to show you shouldn’t remake a classic
Sorry Vince, I did fail you. I grew up on Jacob Two Two. The version I had as a kid is even worse than this one, but I was aware of this. I’m sorry. I’ll go Busey myself to death now.
An IMDB user review, presented without comment:
“Definitely worth the watch but it is no Jingle all the way.”
I find myself saying the very same thing about this place.
Growing up in Montreal, having a copy of Mordecai Richler’s book is compulsory. This is my Hunger Games.
I remember catching this at odd intervals on the tv at weird times on YTV (I think) and not having a clue WTH was going on! It was before i had a remote with the info option
Now I know.
SAME. I repressed all memories of the prosthetic nose chick. I might not be sleeping for a while now.
Ahem, excuse me, but it appears the John Waters fish guy is saying “ALL. FEAR. THE HOODED FAAAANG.” This is very important.
I like that Busey asks the kid if he’s new – implying that he sings this intro song all the time, no matter how many times his audience has heard it.
I’m uploading this to Youtube, should take 2 hours
I’m pretty sure this is the Hooded Fang singing about Gary Busey’s ACTUAL childhood.
Read the book, saw both versions.
And when I was a kid in primary school, my class went to see this ON STAGE. It was tremendous.
The look on that one kid’s face around 2:04 I think about sums it up.
So…are we all going to just ignore Ice-T in a powdered wig then?
Yeah…I scheduled this on Canadian television. For truth.
Am I the only one who felt lied to by that poster since this movie apparently wasn’t about the baby arm that’s coming out of Busey’s neck and how he and his internally conjoined twin were going to make a run for the tag team title at Wrestlemania against Prime Chancellor of New Britian T and a young John Laurnitis? All while Miranda Richardson had to learn how to love such a beautiful monster?
OHHHH MYYYY GODDD I think I remember watching the 1978 original on TV when I was like six years old!
All I remember is that a kid was watching wrestling on TV (which got pretty bloody) and that caused him to imagine the Hooded Fang in his “dream” … I’m not positive, but this memory has been lingering in the back of my mind ever since, and it would be nice to finally have closure.
Thanx Filmdrunk!