Man, I'm sick of musicians stealing all the good pussy
THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, I expanded This Week in Posters's mandate to include not only movie posters, but set photos and publicity stills as well. That way I could include this shot (via TheFilmStage) from the Coen Brothers' Inside Llewelyn Davis. That one's got Justin Timberlake, Carey Mulligan, and this cat (the guy holding him is Oscar Isaac, but who's keeping track). Most weeks, that would be the highlight, but this week, we've also got Val Kilmer on a BMX. BELIEVE IT!
Here's Justin Timberlake on the set of the same film. Part of me thinks, "Really? Justin Timberlake gets to be in Coen brothers movies now?" But I suppose he's better than C-Tates, and Ryan Gosling can't be in everything. (*sigh*) I wish you could be in everything, Baby Goose.
[via JustJared, obviously]
Here's Carey Mulligan on the same set. If you look at her from the waist down, she looks like my grandpa and/or every hipster. STOP WEARING MY GRANDPA'S SHOES! HE'S VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT THEM!
Interesting design. I see the images are projected onto magic ectoplasm given off by the protagonist's denim, very novel. Also, I realize I'm probably not the target audience for this film, but it is my firm belief that no film should ever star more than one musical act whose name ends in a pluralized Z.
Here's Val Kilmer getting his BMX on in Harmony Korine's The Fourth Dimension. If you don't think we'll be using this picture in Photoshops for years to come, you don't know us very well.
In the short, a motivational speaker named Val Kilmer (played by Kilmer, natch) delivers a sermon at a roller rink. [via ThePlaylist]
Oh, Harmony, you had me at "a motivational speaker named Val Kilmer." That wardrobe is perfect. It's exactly how I imagine Brian Johnson from AC/DC dresses on the weekends.
Sidenote: What is it with Harmony Korine and BMX bikes?
A documentary about transgender comedians? Gee, I wonder if their comedy will shed light on the humorous differences between genders! Women trapped in men's bodies be shoppin!
Of course, that I got all that from a three-color poster is a credit to the designer.
This is hands down my favorite poster design of this week, and not just because I think doing drugs makes you cool.
Also, "Junkie" is my nickname in Latin America. Jaja, good one, Yay.
Whoever designed this made it look hella Christian. And not nice, serving-food-to-the-poor Christian, I mean like cheesy dentist's office Christian. I can't even look at that tagline without hearing the Creed guy underbite sing it.
All right, serious question, what person on the planet isn't creeped out by goth Sean Penn and his horrifying doe-eyed f*ck-me face? If you gave me the choice between seeing this or The Iron Lady again, I might actually have to think about it.
Jesus Christ, is Adam Sandler eight feet tall? He looks like Andre the Giant in this picture.
FUN FACT: Brandon Trost, the elder of the Trost Brothers who wrote and directed The FP (sister Sarah was the costume designer), was the cinematographer on That's My Boy (as well as Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance). (*the more you know music*)
Yo, what's up with the weird colored font in the critic quotes? Did someone get kidnapped by Pete Hammond? HOLY SHIT, ONE OF THE QUOTED CRITICS IS PETE HAMMOND! I know this is probably wishful thinking, but I would hope anyone who cares about critic quotes would know that Pete Hammond is a studio flunkie whose opinion is meaningless.
Oi! Jason Stafam eah. Dis is da postah fa moy new fiwm, Safe, now isn it. As you conts can cleahly see, da tagloine is 'Ee's da key dat cracks da code,' innit. What da puntahs mean boy dat, is dat Da Stafe most loikely wiw droive a flash shoiny sazz wagon inta da lock, fill it full a fit birds, an den knob dem untiw da bloody safe pops open, now won' Oy? Da red papah wiv all da numbahs on it in da background? Dat is from when dis bloke troid ta hack inta Da Stafe's Mobiyew Phone, an Da Stafe 'ad ta bash 'im ta deff wiv is own computah, now didn' Oy.
I would like this concept more if ParaNorman was about a kid in a wheelchair who solved crimes. He should be a kid in a wheelchair holding a giant magnifying glass. I want a million dollars for that.
Here's the first poster from On the Road, which also released a batch of publicity stills on their Facebook page. It's amazing that it took 60 years to turn On the Road into a movie, and when it finally became one, it starred the chick from Twilight. Upon hearing the news, Jack Kerouac drank himself to death a second time.
I'm all for the guy from The Fall and The Cell doing a Snow White movie, I just wish it was a little less... dry, you know? I mean have a little fun with it.
Additionally: HOW F*CKING HARD IS IT TO LINE UP THE PEOPLES' NAMES WITH THEIR PICTURES?
This is one of the more poorly-Photoshopped posters I've seen, and I'm the king of poor Photoshop.
...And yet this one makes that last one look like a Dali painting.
"Hmm, I like the mirror concept, but what if we hung the mirror on a beige wall?"
Men in Black 3 was famously shot without a finished script, and it looks like they're working equally hard on the posters.
Get it? Tommy Lee Jones is old K, and Josh Brolin is young K. This movie is going to be the shiznit. (Yes, that was a reference to the fact that Will Smith used the word "shiznit" in the trailer).
Luke Wilson and Samuel L. Jackson? Well this is sure to be good. I've never known either of those guys to slum it for an easy paycheck.
"Nicky Loves Drugs" was my indie band. "Daddy Loves Pussy" was our first single. Additionally, Jackie is a punk, Judy is a runt, they both went to Berlin and joined the Ice Capades.
"What's that you say? I'm in a Tim Burton film? I can't believe it!"
In the film [Dark Shadows], she plays Dr. Julia Hoffman, a psychiatrist called in to help the Collins clan matriarch Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer) sort out the troubles that are plaguing her family.[ThePlaylist]
I don't know what this one's supposed to be about, but "Dark Shadows" could describe just about any Tim Burton movie.
Here's a new one from The Raven, in which John Cusack plays, no joke, a reimagined Edgar Allen Poe helping detectives solve a series of murders based on his stories. I've said this before, but this could not possibly sound any more like an idea cooked up by Charlie Kaufman's brother Donald in Adaption. Jesus, what's next, Gladiator: Dracula Detective? ...What's that, you say? OH COME ON!
This is a poster for Despicable Me 2, which I assume is about anthropomorphic testicles.
Here's a Japanese poster for Pixar's Brave, which suddenly looks a lot like Lord of the Rings. According to Hollywood, two out of three girls are redheads.
Gird your loins, this is the first of about four Battleship posters. I guess the bad guys look like the dudes from Halo in this one. They're probably all gross and full of tentacles under the suits. Just once I'd like to see an alien invasion movie where all the aliens look like Stanley Tucci.
Here's admiral Rihanna, reporting for business. If she doesn't play the "magic negro" in this I will eat my own head. I also like how she's subtly leaning away from the monstrous phallic symbol.
Oh whatever, Skarsgard, screw you for being so handsome. Anyone else would look like a third grader in that haircut.
Whoa, was Liam Neeson too busy knife fighting wolves to a get a picture of him with the hat and they had to photoshop one on? Those poor wolves.
"COOME HERE, YA MANGY FOOKERS!"
These kids today, they can't even finger bang right.
Actually, that's Juno Temple and... uh.. Jena Malone? in Jack and Diane. What's that about, you ask?
Jack and Diane, two teenage girls, meet in New York City and spend the night kissing ferociously. Diane's charming innocence quickly begins to open Jack's tough-skinned heart. But, when Jack discovers that Diane is leaving the country in a week she tries to push her away. Diane must struggle to keep their love alive while hiding the secret that her newly awakened sexual desire is giving her werewolf-like visions. [IMDB]
Ferocious lesbians and werewolves? Okay, I'm listening.
"It's a little ditty, bout Jack an' Diaaaaaane. Two lesbians fightin' werewolves, in the heart land. Something something strap on, backseat of Jackie's Suburu."
[Pic via Indiewire]
[All other posters via IMPA unless otherwise noted]
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Baby Goose: not in every movie but always in your heart, girl.
The plot of Jack and Diane would be far-fetched even for a porn movie.
The Salmon movie’s tagline is “Make the improbable possible.” That’s one of the most retarded redundant movie-speak taglines I’ve ever read. “THIS MARCH…they probably won’t get together…but they might.”
“You won’t believe how it ends…until you’ve seen all the other parts that come before the end!!”
I don’t like taglines that tell me to do stuff. I go to the movie theater to watch, not to make shit possible. If I wanted to do that I’d apply myself to things other than watching topher grace movies and holding in turtle heads.
“THIS MARCH…they probably won’t get together…but they might.”
Sounds like a Peter King column.
I am MIke Yevtuck God of the USA hells angels any USA hells angel or any USA hells angels chapter that thinks you Can take that Title away from do me it you libeling freaking foul fools or continue to live as Cowards.
You USA hells angels are really Cowards ,
Only one Mike Yevtuck in ther world anyone can pay 40 -50 and see my phone number is 7326731269 and when I am in the USA I stay in the USA I live at 97 pacific Blvd. Cliffwood beach NJ07735. I have owed and built many houses but i am at 97 pacific .
Anyone can check myPOLICE record I only beat scumbag hells angel type sewage.
I don’t know any women that would go near hells angels I only date normal women that think Hells angels child porn is gross
I don’t know any women that want to be victims of the USA hells angels and I don;t know any women that would leave their children any where near a USA hells angels .
I think USA hells angels only date men so why are you freaks even talking about my women ?
If people want to look at My space under Panevonj@msn.com they can see pictures of me travel the world.
While USA hells angels are blowing Support club members I am traveling the word.
Now as far as this chuck Thing Chuck may be tough compared to USa hells angeks but Chuck is nothing to me .Anytime is fine with me . I think Chuck has enough common sence to admit I am way above his fighting level . heis just tough compared to USAhells angels but most men are tough compared to USA hells angels .
Time you cowards Did some thing to the God of the USA hells angels other then talk you cowards
ANDY SAMBERG!
ADAM SANDLER!
SANDY AMBERG!
ANGIE SANDERS!
AMBLY ANDBERG!
BERGLY SANDERS!
SANDY SANDBIRDS!
COLONEL SANDERS!
SAL AMANDERS!
To: Producers of “Touchback”
RE: Mark Blucas
What the shit is a “Mark Blucas?”
Sincerely,
America
Or MarC Blucas, as the case may be.
Somewhere, in the distance, a horse whinnied.
Yo holmes, that’s Riley Finn son!
Q: What did the Battleship star say when Chris Brown punched her?
A: You sunk my eye socket!
Liam Neeson looks like he is about to burst into tears because he saw a bunch of styrofoam cups float by.
Man, Mirror Mirror looks a little too Seltzer-Friedberg for me.
adam sandler is literally and figuratively piggybacking andy samberg
In No. 5, were those jean shorts included to thank Val for his service?
If they were going for “He’s a writer in the 50′s”, you have to admit they totally nailed it with that first shot.
In No. 7, shouldn’t the microphone be on the other side of the line? Are transgendered comedians only half-funny?
They’re probably all gross and full of tentacles under the suits. Just once I’d like to see an alien invasion movie where all the aliens look like Stanley Tucci.
I can not think of a single actor who looks more like a testicle than Stanly Tucci. What’s that? Oh, tentacles. I stand by my comment.
“I wish you could be in everything, Baby Goose.”
Hey girl, I know you want me to be in everything, but the only thing I want to be in is you.
The Men In Black trailers look like they were shot in a D.C. Metro station (except with less guns and aliens).
Isn’t putting “From the director of New Jack City” on your poster the marketing equivalent of going door to door and telling people you’re a sex offender?
Also, isn’t Taylor Kitsch suppose to be the main protagonist for Battleship? Rhianna got a poster but he didn’t? Man, talk about your *insert your own Chris Brown abuse joke here*
Rihanna’s always at the front of Chris Brown punch lines.
You light up my life.
I never thought Sam Kinison would be caught dead on a BMX.
Beat me to it.
The Rihanna poster needs a *KA-POW!* inserted to make it look like the Battleship just decked her for being all up in his bidness..
“…it is my firm belief that no film should ever star more than one musical act whose name ends in a pluralized Z.”
++++
Sounds like a fair extension of my own personal “One Rapper Per Movie” rule that I have lived by without regret since “Belly.”
The rule can only be circumvented if the movie is either A. Specifically ABOUT hip-hop; B. House Party or C. Free.
A+ work on the return of Jackie and Judy. We would also have accepted ‘Julie’s been working for the drug squad.’
YAM FISHING IN THE SEMEN
I was going to make a joke about Kristin Stewart debuting a new facial expression in On The Road, but then I realized that was a plot point in Zoolander.
Coincidentally, she can’t go left.
Also, Jim Ross has some medical literature he’d like to pass on to her.
Lesbian werewolf dreams after a ferocious night of kissing.
Isn’t that every college freshman girl nowadays after her first night of drinking.
“What is it with Harmony Korine and BMX bikes?”
I think a more prudent question is “What is it with Harmony Korine?”
I also refer to my anthropomorphic testicles as Despicable Me 2.
Vince, I think the deal with the names not lining up is because the actors have contracts stipulating what order their names are listed in, but not what order they appear on a poster. Maybe Danger Guerrero can help us out on that one. Anyway, I’m sure being a Movie Poster Photoshopper sucks enough without having to deal with actor order as well as all the dutch angles and other nonsense the screw-heads are making them use.
” Just once I’d like to see an alien invasion movie where all the aliens look like Stanley Tucci.”
In ID4 they all looked like Larry King.
woah woah woah…anybody else recognize the asian little person/midget/dwarf in the snow white poster is from pit boss on animal planet?
Yeah the one who gets yelled at all the time for daring to have a life outside of the midget-run animal rescue.
I’m just impressed with the Bear Man dwarf. It gave me hope for the movie, based on the idea that this was an origin story of Bear Man in TRUE GRIT.
What the hell is Adam Sandler drinking in that poster? Ectoplasm? It’s ejaculating all over Andy Samberg.
Those new lyrics to Jack and Diane are the best. Vince never stop coming up with fake song lyrics.
Thanks, man. It feels good to know people respond to my word songs. I went back and forth for quite some time about whether I should’ve changed “ditty” to “titty.”
“Nicky Loves Drugs” was my indie band. “Daddy Loves Pussy” was our first single. Additionally, Jackie is a punk, Judy is a runt, they both went to Berlin and joined the Ice Capades.
They were all in love with dyin’
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don’t mind the sun sometimes
The images it shoooows…
Vince, you outdid yourself with those lyrics. Holy shit did I laugh.
“From the director of Gummo comes the story of Val Kilmer on a bike…”
The Raven sounds like the plot to the show Castle. Nathan Fillion is a best-selling writer who helps cops solve crimes.Edgar Allen Poe helps the police solve crimes.
holy shit, when did Luke Wilson start looking like Don Johnson?
The MIB poster is whacky, and not just ’cause it’s got the hippity-hoppingest Scientologist on it…Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones have the exact same hand. I know they’re they same character, but seriously? Is Tommy Lee so old he can’t hold his hand up for the poster? That’s one of the laziest things I’ve ever seen.
the one with rihanna should have had it´s own post called “this week in posers”
(I don´t know what a poser is)
“This is hands down my favorite poster design of this week, and not just because I think doing drugs makes you cool.”
Once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
Dark Shadows is the tv show remake he and Depp had a boner over. Is Depp in the movie? I didn’t realize they were actually making it.
Nevermind, I Googled. He’s in it. I bet you can’t guess what his makeup looks like.
Anyway, I didn’t want to actually interact with you people. YOU MAKE ME SICK.