I don’t quite understand the dopey nostalgia my generation still has for things like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (I get it, we were kids once, shut up), but whatever your idealized memory is of them, Michael Bay plans to ruin it like he did with Transformers when his production company reboots them as a live-action movie adaptation for Paramount with the director of Battle Los Angeles. On the plus side, this train wreck is threatening to become hilarious, as Bay now says that in addition to being mutants, they’ll also be edgy aliens.
Speaking at the Nickelodeon upfronts, Bay said:
“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”
That. Is. Amazing. A normal person might question why they need to be aliens when they’re already mutants according to the title. It takes a visionary like Michael Bay to wonder “but what if the mutants were also aliens, whose mutations only made them more edgy?” Oh, man. Tough, edgy, funny, and lovable. I’m picturing an alien turtle Bill Hicks who loves pizza and saves the rec center by keeping it real.
UPDATE, 3/20: Not surprisingly, the fan backlash has been withering. Bay responds here.
If you doubt that Michael Bay said this in complete seriousness, check out the video below.
Michael Bay talks Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by stuffwelike
[StuffWeLike via Collider]
-Thanks to Burnsy for the assist on that photoshop
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So, they’re aliens, but they’ve mutated to be more edgy than your average aliens? If only they were also darker and grittier.
Yeah, and the main villain will be a shredgy, unlikeable minority.
How many of the turtles will be “ghetto” and voiced by a black actor?
That’ll be Raphael, Ice-T reprising his role from Tank Girl.
They’ll all be ghetto, but voiced by white people. Because black people are scary.
No, no, no, no, no, nooo!
They were already a good balance of tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable” in the first two live-action movies!
Gawd damn Michael Bay, and the Model-washed corvette that he rode in on.
Kevin Federline is already hitting up Jared on Twitter in case he needs to get in shape for a cracka-ass-cracka rap about alien ninjas: “Kevin, the Subway diet works better if you don’t order the ‘Italian BMT on Pop Tarts with hot fudge sauce’, you retarded asswipe!”
Edgy Alien Parkour Turtles are friends to all children.
+1 for the Gamera reference
But will Master Splinter still be a radical rat? This is important, dammit.
you know, in the dictonary, the “outer space” type of alien is the fourth definition. it is possible, although unlikely, that he’s going off the “outsider” version of the word alien.
they’re mexicans?
With the minstrelbots as Bebop and Rocksteady; working title: There Will Be Dangly Balls.
So we’ve established that they’re going to be edgy, voiced by rappers & will probably use the word “ninja” as a clever replacement for the N-word? If Violent J & Shaggy 2 Dope haven’t been roused from their diabetic comas to answer their surely nonstop-ringing Boost Mobile devices there is no justice in this world.
Oh wait, Michael Bay is making Teenage Mutant Alien Rap Turtles. Disregard everything I wrote except “There is no justice in this world”
So they’re aliens with the technology to travel from a distant planet to Earth and yet they choose to fight crime using ancient Japanese weaponry? Makes sense.
They’ll probably have, I don’t know, laser sais and staffs that shoot heat-seeking missiles.
The Mighty Feklahr’s staff shoots flagellum-like mini-photon-torpedoes! BOOSH!
Oh, Fek!
*mock-scolding voice, canned laughter, end-of-sitcom freeze frame*
So which of the four will be the ‘black guy’. I’m going with Raphael.
They don’t a tella you until the opening credits roll! Wa’qa wa’qa!
*Cardassian Can-Can dancers come out, Ferengis juggle…*
What’s the over/under on an April O’neil bikini/underwear scene. My younger self needs to know this for posterity. My older self needs to know this due to crippling loneliness.
Man, April O’Neil confused the hell out of me in the late eighties/early nineties. To this day yellow jumpsuits give me an awkward boner.
Donatello does machines. ‘Cause he freaky.
They could be aliens with the technology to travel across rivers, voiced by Cheech Marin, George Lopez, Paul Rodriguez and Carlos Mencia.
Scumbag Raph waits for you to come rescue him then tells you he rescued himself ten minutes ago.
Why can’t they do anything right? The first movie was decent with its gritty early 90s New York style and tone and I personally love it. Raph struggling with his anger, Leo’ s relationship with Raph and the 4 dealing with their first real life problem at the apparent loss of their father and mentor, it wasn’t just a kids movie and they were on the right track. Then the other ones were made.
Why can’t more people do what Batman Begins did for Batman or what Singer did with X-Men? Sure it’s a story about 4 anthropomorphic turtles and a rat but almost anything can be made as if it were actually possible with the right amount of seriousness and tongue in cheek.
I’ve been following this project for a few years now and if I could adapt and direct anything myself it would be a Ninja Turtles Reboot. The ideas that Michael Bay is talking about have the potential to result in the most disappointed I may ever be by a movie. But then again, if it involves them being aliens I probably won’t even see it.
Even if they are space-aged alien geniuses with exploding Ferraris for weapons – there’s no way they make it past the Dam. Level was friggin’ impossible!
Its nice growing up and realizing that nobody else could beat that fucking level either.
An entire generation of older brothers could sometimes get us past it, but you’d only have 1 turtle left at the end of it, and you’d usually get killed before you got to drive the turtle van
The key word is “Kids” he said that KIDS would believe they are real. Wich means that adults would believe that Bay is an asshole, oh wait that already happened.
Also why did I put the video in 1080p?
Michael Bay has my childhood chained to a radiator in his basement where he touches it inappropriately while listening to the Top Gun soundtrack and making explosion sounds with his mouth.
C-TATES FOR MICHAELANGELO!
Whatever. Bay’s just going to cast a bland human in it anyway (Sam Worthington?) and make the turtles secondary characters in their own movie. Then replace Josh Duhamel and Tyrese with Josh Lucas and Drake as the military guys, and, well, BOOM!
Let’s all just watch the Pizza Hut commercial from the VHS of the original movie and remember better times
[www.youtube.com]
I hope there’s a cameo by Poochie the rockin’ dog.
C-Tates as Leonardo. He’s the only one that can bring the emotional range of the “peer-to-leader” character development. G.I. Joe taught me that.
I will only watch this movie if “aliens” means illegal aliens. And that those illegal aliens are Italian turtles who don’t have work visas.
“whya da mastar shredda no likka us having all of the meatball-a-pizza inna da sewer”
I hope these are CGI turtles. I bet they aren’t really turtles, that’s just the Aliens armored suit, and this is just a prequel for Prometheiussda
I have heard it is going to be a combination of CGI and real suits. Like they did in Where the Wild Things Are.
Nowadays, edgy just means you’re friends with black people.
I hope we’re all ready for Master “Sprinter.”
I lost a *sigh* when I read this. BUT I CAN GET IT BACK I CAN GET IT BACK!!!
Wow. Well played sir. Well played.
That’s some inside baseball shit right there. I must reiterate: Well played.
brilliant, sir.
I hope they just cast the pornstar April O’Neil as April O’Neil in this so as to facilitate the bikinis and sexy underwear and suggestive poses.
“Leg-o-rama! Schwing!”
Seriously, until I read this, I didn’t think there could ever be a worse TMNT movie than that 3rd one. I stand corrected, Mr. Bay.
if you go back and watch the first cartoon, the show is complete garbage.
the first movie adaptation wasn’t that bad. -remember that little pussy danny?
Is the Onion prophecy coming true is this next?
[www.theonion.com]
Teenage Alien Intelligence Ninja Turtles (T.A.I.N.T.) – Coming soon to a theater near you!
I’ve started a petition on http://www.change.org to try to stop Michael Bay from ruining another franchise that means more to people than money. To sign the petition:
[www.change.org]
So Michael Bay is remaking Spaced Invaders?
The teaser poster licked on tumblr [teenagealienninjaturtles.tumblr.com]
I mean “leaked” but who cares.
This is only the beginning. I broke into Bay’s compound and found his plans to ruin other 80s cartoon favorites( [www.buzzfeed.com] ). I may also have accidentally set the place on fire
wtf!!!!!! THEN IT WILL NOT BE *** T.M.N.T**** the story is about the radiation slime that turns them and splinter teaches them…………. FUKIN PERIOD if u change that then it isnt TMNT….. FUK U MICHEAL BAY……. FUK U!! ur a overated creative person
The important question is whether Vanilla Ice will be dropping some dope rhymes in this one.
Go Ninja Go Ninja Go!
I still say he should make Q-Basic Gorillas: The Movie. Since the game has no real plot; it’ll be very hard for him to screw it up. I’m working on the pitch for an entire trilogy right now. Just gotta get IBM and Microsoft to agree to use of the “Q-Basic” and banana bomb trademarks. If Hasbro wants to make the toys, I’m all for that.