1988′s odd-couple, road action-comedy Midnight Run was one of my favorite movies growing up, and while I haven’t seen it in at least 15 years, I OWN IT YOU CAN’T CHANGE IT RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! Phew, sorry about that. Anyway, a sequel has been in the works for a while now, and Robert De Niro even agreed to return to star back in… uh… March 2010. Obviously, things have been moving faster than a speeding locomotive since then, and last night Deadline reported that our favorite slovenly, crustacean-loving onanist BRETT RATNER would be directing, from a script by the writers of GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (who I’m sure have a knack for writing comedy). So, yes, they’ll be hitting you in the nuts with a bat, but on the bright side, at least the bat will have plenty of rusty nails sticking out of it.

Universal Pictures is picking up steam on Midnight Run 2, setting scribes David Elliot & Paul Lovett to rewrite it, and negotiating with Brett Ratner to helm a sequel that has Robert De Niro attached to reprise his role as bounty hunter Jack Walsh.
[The sequel] will continue the storyline of Walsh, the ex-Chicago cop who, when last seen, set free the turncoat mob accountant The Duke at LAX and walked away with a wad of cash he’d use to open a coffee shop. [Deadline]

So… instead of an odd-couple, buddy comedy about cops and mafiosos, it’ll be the story of an aging ex-bounty hunter’s crazy plan to turn a coffee shop around? That sounds more like We Bought a Zoo than Midnight Run, but I bet Ratner has got some great ideas for baked goods.

RATNER: Yeah, so I think the coffee shop should definitely sell, like, empanadas… and pizza rolls, OOH! And definitely those Chicago-style hot dogs, you know those ones that are like over-sized pigs in a blanket… (*starts to trail off as he daydreams, his hand slowly disappears down pants*) Hey, are you Asian?

Tom Cruise says he’ll be in this, as long as there’s no rehearsing.