"Bad 4-Wheeler Dog! No drinking and driving!"

This being a site dedicated to making fun of movies (“making fun,” not “ridiculing,” minor but important distinction) called “FilmDrunk,” Oscars night drinking games are kind of our “thing.” We’ve a storied tradition of creating Oscars drinking games around these parts. While I don’t expect you to care about the Oscars – what super old, super white dudes think about movies is of limited importance to anyone who can make their own decisions – but if you are going to watch, you might as well make some fun of it. And what better way to have fun than to get mega super butthoused? (If any recovering alcoholics are reading this, just pretend you didn’t read that – keep on keepin on, brah. Just convert all drinking instructions below to push-ups).

So here it is, our official drinking game.

DRINK FOR BRITISH ROYALTY

  • Take TWO drinks any time you see a shot of actual Knights Dame Judi Dench, Michael Caine, Anthony Hopkins, Ben ‘Special K’ Kingsley, Christopher Lee, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Helen Mirren
  • Take ONE drink for fictional royals Colin Firth, Meryl Streep, Helena Bonham Carter, Cate Blanchett

DRINK FOR AMERICAN ROYALTY

  • ONE drink for shots of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Angelina Jolie

Le DRINK FOR THE FRENCH (sorry)

  • ONE drink for Michel Hazanavicius, Jean Dujardin, Berenice Bejo – basically anyone involved with The Artist.

ONE DRINK FOR PRONUNCIATION TROUBLE (see: Wahlberg, Mark)

  • See above.

ONE DRINK FOR SUBTLY PRETENTIOUS TURNS OF PHRASE

  • Any time someone says “cinema” instead of “film”
  • Any time someone refers to a famous person by first name only – i.e., referring to Martin Scorsese as “Martin,” “Marty,” etc.
  • CHUG YOUR DRINK any time you hear the anglicized mispronunciation “an historical.”

IN MEMORIAM MONTAGE WATERFALL

  • Every person in the room begins drinking when the montage begins. Moving counter-clockwise from the TV, don’t stop drinking until the person before you does.

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ONE DRINK FOR CHARITABLE ENDEAVORS

  • Any time someone reminds you of the real victims, dedicates this award to the people in ___, suggests a website to learn more about a scandal, massacre, struggle, etc.

DRINK THEM OFF, KEYBOARD CAT!

  • One drink every time a winner gets interrupted by wrap-it-up music. IF they keep talking, keep drinking until they finish.

ONE DRINK FOR WHITE PEOPLE OVERCOMPENSATING

  • Any time a minority actor or actress is referred to as “so brave.”

BILLY CRYSTAL

  • “Jazz Man” – one drink.
  • Any reference more than 10 years old – drink.
  • Referencing Rob Reiner, Meg Ryan, or any bit that parodies When Harry Met Sally – Finish your drink.

SPECIAL RULES:

  • Christopher Plummer in the crowd – Social. Cheers, then drink.
  • Jack Nicholson in the crowd? Lighting round. Everything counts double until the next commercial break. One drink turns into two, and so forth.

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And a reminder – we’ll be doing an Oscars live thread where we can all talk about how drunk we are. Check back Sunday for that.

UPDATE: The official Oscars live thread is now open and tipsy.