I know Newsboy Cat here technically isn't a movie poster, or even movie related, per se, I just thought he'd be more fun to have on the first slide of this post than Will Smith's dumb face in the Men in Black 3 poster. Newsboy Cat says: "Herringbone is my favorite pattern, AND my favorite flavor. MEE-OW." |Etsy via LaughingSquid|
THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, Men in Black 3 reminds you of its existence, Paul Rudd parties with sunflowers, Mel Gibson shoots Mexicans, and Armie Hammer saves the day again. Click on to join the party!
Am I the only one upset that the tagline for this isn't "BLACK IN TIME?" EGAD, MAN, IT WAS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE! HE'S BLACK, AND HE'S GOING BACK IN TIME! TO GIVE THE OLDEN TIMES MORE SWAG! Ugh, I'm dying to see that slogan. And you figure if Martin Lawrence's Black Knight didn't use it, it's never going to happen. At the very least, it should grace a movie poster in Tracy Jordan's dressing room.
HOLY DOG SH*T, DID THOSE LIMEY SLAPDICKS SNEAK AN EXTRANEOUS "U" INTO MY BELOVED NAVY SEAL MOVIE??? DROP YOUR COCKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS, SEALS, BECAUSE THE QUEEN MUM'S ABOUT TO GET FINGER BANGED THROUGH HER PURDY PINK PANTIES! OOH RAH!
[the movie is spelled "Act of Valor," presumably this is the British version]
Here we see Taylor Kitsch in Battleship. He does double duty in this week's This Week in Posters, also starring in John Carter a few slides further. He's like this year's Sam Worthington, but arguably a worse actor (from what we've seen so far).
In any case, I'm going to be pissed if one of those alien balls back there doesn't blow up the Eiffel Tower. If I see an alien movie that doesn't blow up the Eiffel Tower you better believe I'm getting my money back.
Bel Ami: You may not remember the trailer for this I posted a while back, but to refresh your memory, it's the one where R-Pattz bangs everyone. Now, am I crazy, or does Robert Pattinson somewhat resemble a Tibetan Fox?
Here's the poster for Bully, the Weinstein Company documentary that recently got slapped with an R-rating (that the company is appealing). Being an R-rated movie, shouldn't the poster have some tits in it or something? What a gyp. That seems like a better sell. Anyway, stop bullying, y'all. Also stop racism, war, pollution, depression, and incontinence. We can make this world a better place and stuff.
The Cold Light of Day, starring Henry Cavill and Bruce Willis. "INSTINCT IS HIS GREATEST WEAPON."
Also, his gun. And the fact that he's Superman. Those are pretty good weapons as well. Look, I'm going to level with you, we're actually really bad at ranking stuff. Signed, the poster designer.
"There are those who sweep and those who pay others to sweep." That's a Polish proverb, right? It has to be. Anyway, I hope this movie focuses more on those who pay others to sweep. The other ones' lives sound suuuuper boring. The ones who can afford to pay others to sweep, they probably have sweet rides and champagne and sluts and stuff. That sounds way better.
The Trouble with Bliss is that it's so damn boring the poster designer just slapped the non-famous stars' floating heads into diagonal squares. Unnecessary diagonals and floating heads strike again! This is so lazy you might as well just write "It's a movie" in big block letters.
Disney's Frankenweenie, from Tim Burton! Jeez, I would've never guessed this was a Tim Burton movie.
Also, if you didn't know that was a bone on the headstone, it could be mistaken for a pair of big saggy titties. I'm just saying. I think I know a thing or two about mistaking things for big saggy titties.
I know Mel Gibson has been trying to do some fence-mending as everyone gradually forgets about pack of n-words-gate, but this is ridiculous. I mean, first he makes a movie where he basically gets beat up by Mexicans the whole time to try to ingratiate himself with Latinos, now he shoots his gun sideways in the poster to try to ingratiate himself to the black man? Pathetic. And you're really biting Channing Tatum's style.
This poster would probably be super awesome if I'd read the book. That's what everyone who's read the book is going to say, just wait. "Oh, you don't think this looks super awesome? It's probably because you haven't read this book aimed at 12-year-olds," they'll say, thumbing their their noses and drinking espresso from a sippy cup. "I'm very cultured. I finish the crossword puzzle in Highlights magazine every time I go to the dentist."
I've actually been hearing good things about John Carter from people who've seen it, and if that's the case, Disney should win the Oscar for the worst marketing campaign of all time. Their only strategy seems to be to keep reminding everyone that his name is John Carter. And that's not even an original name! I think we all know that there's only one true John Carter.
[thanks to reader Josh for making this]
(*puts on beret, buys baguette, dismissively wanks baguette*)
LAST DAYS HERE tells the story of Bobby Liebling, lead singer of the cult hard rock/heavy metal band Pentagram. Frozen for decades in his parents' basement, Bobby's music is finally discovered by the heavy metal underground. With the help of Sean "Pellet" Pelletier, his friend and manager, Bobby attempts to overcome years of addiction, loneliness, and broken dreams. Intimate, raw, and unexpectedly funny, LAST DAYS HERE portrays the unbelievable journey of a man at the crossroads of life and death.
Okay, well I'm sold. Anvil made me cry. I can't get enough aging metalheads. Except Lars Ulrich, that guy still sucks.
--
Herp.
MAGGIE GRACE! GUY PEARCE! DIAGONAL! WITH SHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE!
[You can watch the trailer here. Not exactly original looking, but there's a certain charm to Guy Pearce's foul-mouthed John McClaine impression.]
Did I mention shit flying everywhere? There's also metal stuff. EVERYWHERE. THERE'S SO MUCH METAL SHIT, IT'S LIKE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK IS JUST METAL SHIT AS FAR AS THE F*CKING EYE CAN SEE. IF YOU LIKE METAL SHIT EVERYWHERE, THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.
Yep, it looks like a Bob Marley poster alright.
---
SIDEWAYS ARMIE HAMMER TO THE RESCUE! HE'S OUR ONLY HOPE! IT SEEMS SOMEONE'S BEEN EATING SHRIMP WITH THE WRONG FORK!
This is neither here nor there, but every time I look at the French dwarf on the left, "Party Rock" starts playing in my head.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that "Spieglein" is German for "Mirror," which is a shame, because "Spieglein Spieglein" sounds very porn-like.
Also, if it's spelled "spieglein" because the ei in the second syllable mirrors the ie in the first, that would be freakin' trippy.
Piranha 3DD: Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D's.
That is a fantastic tagline. Still, I wish the poster designer had focused more on the double Ds.
Is she looking underwater? Are her glasses pressed up against the surface of the water? How is she seeing all those piranha? And why are they cracked? This poster is just confusing.
Peter and Lorna, a young Silver Lake couple, delve into the underworld of a cult that meets in the San Fernando valley. At the center of the group is an enigmatic young woman named Maggie who never leaves her basement chamber. The members follow Maggie blindly—growing her food, obsessively sanitizing the house, giving her their own blood for transfusions. But why? We follow Peter and Lorna as they smuggle hidden cameras into Maggie's basement bent on exposing her as a charlatan and freeing the members from her spell.
Either that poster is some kind of inside joke, or it's incredibly abstract. I was promised bro handshakes, and I see none of that here.
"No rules!" "...Except for every stupid rom-com cliché in history!"
This Must Be The Place: Well it's going to have to be pretty goddamned charming and stylish to overcome how incredibly creeped out I am by Sean Penn's goth deer face. I would be less scared by an actual rotting corpse of someone I knew.
"Oh thank God, another Eddie Murphy family comedy!" -No one.
Chris Rock is one of the best stand-up comics of all time (better than Eddie Murphy, IMHO), but I've never been particularly excited to see him act. He looks like he's going to do a really good job in this one though. I think it's the glasses. Makes him look like he did his homework this time, so to speak.
It would be awesome to hang out in a sunflower field with Paul Rudd, but it would suck if you didn't have your baggage with you and you had to wear a suit the whole time. That seems like it'd be uncomfortable.
[all posters via IMPA and/or the studio's website]
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This Means War – No Rules…just make sure you’re in uniform, guys.
Interracial dating on “BlackWhiteFriends.COM” is easy to begin with,with free profile placement to get you attracted with meeting and coming across profiles of interracial people .There are hundreds and thousands of members choosing us to forge potential bonds.
Advertising a Tim Burton movie with “From the director of Alice in Wonderland” is like the inverse of “From the director of Boyz in the Hood” with John Singleton.
I think someone already pointed this out, but man, Chris Pine really should see a doctor with that huge dome of his.
Yeah, either he’s got a brain tumor the size of a bowling ball or he’s some sort of next stage of human evolution.
My tax dollars paid for that movie?
*singing* I’m a little bit zombie . . . and I’m a little bit rock-n-roll . . .
A Little bit of Zombie in my life, A Little bit Frankenstein is so nice, a little bit of creature is all I need–
*mambos right out of the room*
No, but the best part of my version of Wanderlust would be the gripping 90 minutes of tension as detectives search for where he buried Jennifer Aniston.
This summer, ZAPP BRANNIGAN stars in:
“ACT OF VELOUR.”
Dammit I was searching my head for 10 minutes for an Act of Velour joke. Never got there though, so I shouldn’t complain.
Beauty.
Can someone re-release all the Twilights with a dromedary and a fox?
So Henry Cavil is part of the Spanish Inquisition?
I didn’t expect that.
Nobody does. That’s the point.
Good to see the Asian midg from Pit Boss getting work.
Has anyone seen the other movie Bully with Brad Renfro and Nick Stahl? If you thought you had an awkward time watching Monster’s Ball with your mom, just wait till you watch Bully with her.
Is Bully the movie where Teddy Roosevelt harasses a bunch of Cubans?
From the pulpit…
If you’ve watched Friday Night Lights, you’d know Taylor Kitsch is a better actor than Sam Worthlesston. He should fire his agent though.
And you should always dismissively wank your baguette
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“Everybody is getting rich, even the whores.”
“attempts to overcome years of addiction, loneliness, and broken dreams. Intimate, raw, and unexpectedly funny”
Every commenter on this site.
Chris Pine’s head and Reese Witherspoon’s chin are both twice as big as my house.
“Valour” can also be Canadian. They’re classy.
The 3DD chick is watching the fish in a tank that has a crack in it.
Dwarfs have proportionally smaller bodies, not proportionally bigger heads. The head ratio in that poster is creepin’ me out.
Interracial dating on ” BlackWhiteFriends.℃0M ” is easy to begin with,with free profile placement to get you attracted with meeting and coming across profiles of interracial people .There are hundreds and thousands of members choosing us to forge potential bonds. rfgdshdfsfd
Terrence Meoward.
How is Tibetan Fox not a meme? Put a scarf on him and he’s the hipster of the animal kingdom.
Chris Pine’s hair is its own sovereign nation
Newsie Cat won’t go on the papers.
Newsie Cat scratches the hell out of the NY Post
The f*ck is rfgdshdfsfd, some kind of new Konami code for jungle fever?
Julia Roberts has the face that launched 1,000 ships. Full of huskies. Into the sun. ‘Cause she’s a heartless monster.
I don’t much care for Julia Roberts or her frigid, dead-behind-the-eyes stare
Newsboy Cat has reads headlines, but you’ve probably never heard of them BECAUSE HE’S THE DELIVERY BOY IN AN ALL-CAT REMAKE OF THE TV SHOW EARLY EDITION
First up… “Un Film De Julie Delpy”? Pretentious much?
Last night I was watching “Inkmasters”, a show about tattooing. One of the final four folks in the contest actually drew TWO RIGHT FEET on the model in his tattoo. At that point I thought, “This guy should be doing bad hollywood posters”. I flashed back to that when the “A Little Bit Zombie” poster came up.
Strangely, this is the ONLY John Carter poster I like so far; probably because they channeled the cover for old Tor Paperback books.
Finally, coming out of a theater last year i was asked to look at some movie trailers and give my opinion. I watched the clip for Act of Valour, which really did not play up the “real active duty marines” angle much, instead focusing on actual movie stars who were in it. I watched it and said, it’s an okay trailer, it was probably a fair action film with reasonable amounts of hollywood explosion action and that I would not see it. I wonder if anything I said caused this marketing tactic.
Bela mi swan mi
a co-worker’s step-sister makes $61/hour on the laptop. She has been out of work for seven months but last month her income was $21877 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Read more on this web site N U T T Y R I C H . C O M
Did you see the way Mel be prancing? He’s probably also trying to med fences with what he thinks gay people are like.
Also, for a book for 12 year olds, the Hunger Games has an awful lot of murder.
If your name is John Carter you should be allowed to see John Carter for free and yell “that’s me!” the whole way through the movie.
“Oh, you don’t think this looks super awesome? It’s probably because you haven’t read this book aimed at 12-year-olds,” they’ll say, thumbing their their noses and drinking espresso from a sippy cup.
Made me almost spit out a spoonful of applesauce
The Marley poster is coming to a freshman dorm room near you.
Damn, Chris Pines has a tall ass head! He looks like the real-life Megamind.
I love [sex] historical fiction movies like Bel Ami, where the directors are kind enough to bring in all three major hair colors for [bangin'] cinematographic variety.