Since I’m a professional film critic, I’ve already seen Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, projected onto the side of a rare white tiger while sipping Cristal-and-caviar mimosas in P. Diddy’s VIP hot tub while we got blown by Russian trannies wearing top hats. I’m not allowed to tell you average proles about it yet, but as an unabashed Tim and Eric fan who recognizes that people who don’t get Tim and Eric REALLY hate Tim and Eric, I will say that their movie is a lot more accessible than a lot of their work. I can understand being turned off by their “nightmare TV” aesthetic (though I love it), but if you don’t at least enjoy John C. Reilly as a sickly child named “Taquito” raised by wolves in an abandoned shopping mall, I don’t know what to tell you. Anyway, the film opens March 2nd and is already available on VOD, and to promote it, they released this clip of Eric jerking off in bed. Ha, cool story, huh? I thought so. This makes it look like a Brett Ratner biopic for people allergic to shellfish. (Because Brett Ratner masturbates with shrimp, you see).