Last May, it was revealed that Michael Bay and his Platinum Dunes production company were going to reboot the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movie franchise, so potential April O’Neils everywhere were told to get their white t-shirts ready for Ferarri-washing detail. Only 9 months later – or one aspiring model’s secret shame sex pregnancy – Bay and Co. may have found a director for their latest uninspired reboot.

According to Variety:

“Battle: Los Angeles” helmer Jonathan Liebesman is in negotiations to direct Paramount’s live-action reboot of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

Plot details are being kept under wraps except that it would be a new reimaging of the famous comic and cartoon series.

Josh Appelbaum and Andre Nemec penned the script.

I’m guessing that “plot details are being kept under wraps” is code for “we haven’t sent our blindfolded monkey out into the minefield marked with plot point flags yet” but I thought I’d lend a hand and offer some free plot ideas…

TV reporter April O’Neil (Kate Upton) is chilling in her Manhattan penthouse that her CEO boyfriend (Gene Simmons) pays for while he buys and destroys companies from his private fighter jet. Looking for her next big story, O’Neil hits the streets, but one of her expensive diamond earrings falls into a sewer. In a sheer white tank top, she enters the sewer to find it, and she is greeted by a talking rat named Splinter (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried). He introduces O’Neil to his four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (voiced by Justin Bieber, Zac Efron, Boo Boo Stewart and Tracy Morgan). Then Shredder (The Rock) and Krang (Danny DeVito) show up and they’re like, “Suck it, fags” and a bunch of sh*t blows up.

The End.