Okay, I’m going to level with you folks, this headline was slightly misleading. The letter in question wasn’t written to THE Chris Farley, the famous fat dead comedian (whose poster I had on my wall for about 10 years), just a guy who happened to be named Chris Farley. Still, today is Henry Rollins’s 51st birthday, and Henry Rollins is awesome, and this letter is also awesome, ergo I REGRET NOTHING. The story goes, back in 1995, Rollins had to cancel a gig in Maryland due to rain. A couple jokers, Farley and Ken Meekins, sent Rollins an email from the contact form on his website, including some name-calling: “We put stuff like ‘Why did you have to cancel the show? Were you home eating soup with your mommy?’ I think we may have called him a ‘punk-ass bitch.’”

As we all know, the only person who might cancel a stormy show over soup is Glenn Danzig. And while Henry Rollins and Glenn Danzig have been depicted as gay lovers in a comic book, there are a lot of things they don’t have in common. The following is Rollins’s even-handed but menacing response, sent via snail-mail to Farley and Meekins’ address, and addressed to the fake name they provided:

BOB. HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED. THE PROMOTER SETH HOROWITZ WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THE WEATHER EVEN WHEN HE PROMISED HE WOULD BE. BY THE TIME IT WAS FOR HELMET TO GO ON, THE POWER GENERATORS WERE SUBMERGED IN WATER. THE STAGE WAS MOSTLY METAL AND THE RISK OF BANDS & CREWS GETTING FRIED.
SETH REALLY BLEW IT FOR US. WE WERE THERE ALL DAY INTO THE NIGHT WAITING TO PLAY. IT WAS THE LAST SHOW OF THE TOUR WITH SAUSAGE & HELMET AND WE WERE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO HITTING IT. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN #80 FOR THE YEAR.
TO LEAVE THAT PLACE W/O PLAYING SUCKED.
NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME, CALL ME WHAT YOU CALLED ME IN YOUR LETTER AND WE’LL SEE HOW IT GOES.

— HENRY ROLLINS

Yes, Henry Rollins writes in all caps. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? Anyway, long story short, Henry Rollins f*cking rules. Happy 51st, Henry, please don’t tear my arms off like a daddy long legs. Though let it be known, if I had to choose a way to go, that would probably be it.

[see the actual letter at LettersofNote]

And just because, here’s Rollins interviewing Werner Herzog. I think it would’ve been cool to see the guys from Bad Religion on the same panel and have them all just menacingly scream SAT words at each other.