Just like always, the Super Bowl yesterday was the only event of the year when people actually watch, let alone discuss, commercials. Almost all of them try to be funny these days, but it might surprise you to learn that a committee of professional salespeople trying not to offend anyone may not be the most effective way to create comedy. The only thing sure to be must-see TV are the GoDaddy commercials, because not even a thousand monkeys on a thousand tabs of acid with their brains set on shuffle could come up with as strange a combination of "hot-chick" spokespeople as Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser. Tim and Eric could huff ether-soaked rags for a week straight and not achieve that level of pure randomness.
Anyway, plenty of movies got in on the commercial action, including The Dictator, Act of Valor, The Avengers, GI Joe 2, John Carter, and Battleship. You can see all their spots here, and not on other sites, which I've never read, but I hear are for dong punchers.
Act of valor
Here's Act of Valor, the Navy Seal movie starring actual Navy Seals, which opens February 24th. I don't know what to think about this one. I like the idea of it, but something about the way it actually looks... I think they may have over-glorified. Now it looks vaguely porny, or like visual Christian rock. Also interesting to note, they stole Eminem from Chrysler, and Chrysler upgraded to Clint Eastwood:
I'm not sure if Chrysler wants me to buy their cars, or be afraid of them because they're from the streets. I see a Chrysler coming down the street, I clutch my purse a little tighter, that's all I'm saying. Anyway, it's halftime, America. I heard Mike Singletary was originally cast in this, but instead of giving a speech he just mooned everyone.
The Avengers
Every movie trailer had lots of 'Splosions, but I think The Avengers may have had the most. (You can see the in-depth breakdown over at GammaSquad). It looks like they nearly exhausted the comic book visual cliche machine on this one. There's a Predator bro handshake, the Spider-Man three-point stance thing, Black Widow all diagonal for some reason (?) and enough serious faces for three more Fast and Furious movies. Also, I was able to obtain the director's cut of that exchange near the end.
TONY STARK: The Avengers. That's what we call ourselves. Earth's mightiest heroes-type thing.
LOKI: I have an army.
TONY STARK: We have a Hulk.
--- [extended director's cut]---
TONY STARK: Not scared yet? We also have a Russian chick with a pistol and a jockey who fights using obsolete technology from the old west.
...Did I mention the Russian chick knows jiu-jitsu? Yeah, that's what I thought. (*flips Loki the bird, chugs energy drink*)
John Carter
Man, if there's one thing Disney wants to get across in their John Carter marketing, it's that John Carter's name is John Carter. "You are John Carter of Earth?" "YES." [Cut to] "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, IT'S JOHN CARTER!" "Grrrr, I'm gonna kill everyone here, or my name ain't John Carter! Which means you're dead, because my name is DEFINITELY John Carter!"
I could never have imagined a film by the guy who directed Wall E and Finding Nemo and co-written by Michael Chabon could look this crappy. What happened? This is a mystery. Of Pittsburgh.
Battleship
Rumor has it this one cost $200 million to make, and all I can tell you for certain is that the script was terrible. It'll be interesting to see whether the American public devours this as voraciously as they seem to devour all alien invasion movies, no matter how crappy (a la Battle:Los Angeles), or whether they'll be as indifferent as everyone seems. All I know is that the way for it to be a sure-fire hit is if there's at least 15 minutes of Rihanna sass-talking the aliens in patois. "Hey, mon, I and I no ya-gwan let dem bumbaclot aliahn tief me batty ship. BUH! BUH!"
Opens May 18th.
The Dictator
Here's The Dictator, starring Sacha Baron Cohen. In the same vein as John Carter, for a movie that re-teams the director and star of Borat and Bruno and based on a novel written by Saddam Hussein, this looks remarkably pedestrian. Kardashians are hairy, and dictators shoot people. Okay. Sacha Cohen needs some regular Americans to interact with or this is going to be a long movie.
Opens May 11th.
GI Joe
The GI Joe trailer opens with a pro wrestler quoting a rapper as if he's the pope. I don't know what else I need to say here.
The Lorax
The Lorax looks great. What can I say, something about the voice of Danny DeVito coming out of a curmudgeonly, orange otter thing with a walrus mustache just appeals to me.
Opens March 2nd.
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Good thing Black Widow brought that hand gun to this battle against a god!
I’d rather have a crossbow, to be honest.
Wait, that thing’s a regular motherfuckin’ bow and arrow. Christ. Surprised they didn’t have a spot for Guy Who Throws A Rock.
What do you think the Hulk typically does?
I don’t think I’d be afraid of someone pointing a bow and arrow at me. I’d just throw a smallpox blanket and a bottle of whiskey at him and wait.
wow.
that’s intellectual humor right there. cruel but intellectual.
So what the fuck is the Cryptkeeper trying to get me to buy?
The Dictator is about him coming to America. Should be good. Battleship looks like a deformed Transformers baby.
“Grickle-grass? How about some stripper ass?”
Yeah, black widows are fucking terrifying. Here’s hoping that the bad guys don’t shake their gardening gloves out before putting them on!
Deadly poisonous spiders only exist to kill dumb people and children… which is redundant.
I can’t wait to see the alien say “QUAR GOK CHEE GUARK!” translated to “You sank my battleship.” BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY FUCKING WILL.
Dor sho gha! If Lince spoke Ferenginarese, you would be SO banned right now, Brunsy!
You’re being awfully kavalier about John Carter.
Act of Valor looks an awful lot like Call of Duty: Live Action Edition.
All I can take from The Dictator is that it will have a minimum of one original idea gag. The bit where he takes off running, then shoots the starter gun, then shoots the other runners and the ref. . . it’s not a terrible bit of comedy.
The rest of this movie will undoubtedly suck donkey balls.
When the trailer for Battleship started I thought it was for another Transformers. Then I ceased to think and went “pew pew!”
I’m sorry, but not even the Rowdy Yates can make me give a sh*t about Detroit. Go America, but the sooner that dump goes under is the sooner that we can get a real life Robocop.
Black Widow fights criminals by Tae bo kicking their shins and then blowing on her whistle until a man arrives.
Bah, commercials. The game itself was cinematic enough for me, what with Welker looking like an escapee from a Todd Solondz work.
Also, what a magical year for the Mara family. First, Rooney absolutely destroys that guy’s anus, then the Super Bowl.
Chug one can of Natural Light and shout “They took ‘er jobs!,” and Captain ‘Murica will appear and beat up every suspected Mexican within 2 city blocks.
The movie trailers during the Superbowl Ads were very impressive, but most impressive had to be the actual IN GAME PRODUCT PLACEMENT:
Wes Welker: “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!”
*Aaron Hernandez in bumblebee outfit* “Aye yay yay!”
They wanted Ward Churchill to play Hawkeye, but he had reservations.
The GI Joe trailer had a disturbing lack of C-Tates.
Charming Potato was only on the set for two days reportedly. Because he’s gonna die in the first five minutes. Presumably.
“What do I look like, a Kardashian?” is a very Friedberg-Seltzer-esque line. The shooting-people-to-win-the-race thing got me to chuckle, but that movie doesn’t look very promising.
My biggest complaint about Dystopian foreign planet movies like John Carter is that no one EVER does any groudskeeping. I mean are there no dads? Shit, even a fucking Howard Johnson has gardens, cmon now.
So, Tell me something, Scarlett Johansson as BlackWidow, if that tight ass suit does nothing to protect her from whatever may hit her and The Hulk gets to run around shirtless…Wouldnt it be safe to say i wanna see her topless in this film…? Its a good question..
I know that ‘Ruffles wants to science me real hard, but that commercial didn’t make me feel that he wants to science me real hard
If you compare the background behind Hawkeye to where Black Widow’s eyes scan once the camera pans around it becomes clear that there is about to be a showdown against absolutely nothing.
Fun Fact: The Avengers was originally titled, “Scarlett Johansson, an Aryan God of War, and some other guys”.
The second draft was submitted as “Wealthy Powerful White Men; Explosions”.
The Lorax does not look great. It looks bad. See B$M instead. SIGN THE PLEDGE.
I ALREADY SAW IT SO THERE!
B$M just sounds like a costly bowel movement. So, spoiler alert?
G.I.Joe!? I sneezed and thought it was a sequel to the Animatrix….
That Battleship movie looked like a Transformers ripoff. They should’ve just called it Gobots and been done with it.
I tend to think of it as “Independence Day–Now With Boats.”
This will be the year Americans finally learn every possible sexual innuendo involving ships, cannons, and seamen.
“Sail That Ship Up My Ass” by Rihanna ft. Liam Neeson
Rihanna will definitely use the line, “Planes and ships excite me.”
@Special Agent Johnny Utah yeah i was thinking Gobots at the time too
Marvel Movies unfair to head wings!
Yes, it is. You know what. I think βillǐonāireƒrienďs–čˇō/Μit’s a good pla’ce to me’et sweet friend even rich sin’gles. I am certain I can me;et a ri;ch man there, b’ecause I am at the begin;ning of my car;eer and I would like someone’s sup;port.