Excluding the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and wax museums, the celebrity impersonators who stand on Hollywood Blvd are probably the bottom rung of the tourism ladder. The only thing good about them is that they occasionally get bodyslammed by cholos or get drunk and fight each other. Which they did yesterday at the Kodak theater, when “Catwoman” pepper sprayed “Ozzy.” The story’s no “Man who groped woman while dressed like Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not be charged,” but it does have a certain charm.

Fire officials responded to a battery call around 5:30 p.m. to learn that a fight between Catwoman and an Ozzy Osbourne impersonator had ended with him getting pepper sprayed.
Initial reports identified a man dressed as Jack Sparrow of “Pirates of the Caribbean” as having been the victim.

I like to imagine Ozzy was on the ground, groaning in agony, begging for passersby to call the police. Then someone finally did and he was like, “Oh thank you, thank the lord, praise Jesus for people like you. Oh how can I ever thank you– wait, what the F*CK? Did you just call me ‘Jack Sparrow?!’ Jesus buttf*cking Christ, lady, why would Jack Sparrow be biting the head off a bat? Do you even have a TV?”

Catwoman, who requested to be referred to as such…

Mmm, GO ON. (*eagerly rests chin on fists*)

…said she was harassed all day long, as the pirate and the faux-Ozzy pushed and bumped her while she was taking photos with people.

So the pirate gets referred to as “the pirate” but Ozzy gets “faux-Ozzy?” This poor bastard just can catch a break. This had to be the lowest moment of his professional LARPing career.

She said two characters had been causing problems all day and seemed to be intoxicated. Another character wearing an alien mask was also involved in the incident, Catwoman said. Willy Wonka, known as Jason off the Boulevard, corroborated Catwoman’s story.

I misread this at first and thought it said “Willy Wonka, also known as ‘Jason of the Boulevard.’” Sadly, it seems local news in LA is just on a first-name basis with everyone.

Last year, Spongebob Squarepants was arrested after harassing two women on Hollywood Boulevard.

More like Touchbob Bonerpants, amirite?

And just two years earlier, a Chewbacca impersonator was accused of head-butting a Hollywood tour guide who warned him to stop harassing Japanese tourists. [NBC33]

As I’ve pointed out, these costumed characters are lame, but I would change my tune in a heartbeat if one of them was a Chewbacca impersonator who went around headbutting Japanese tourists. Think about it, it could become a rite of passage. A great honor. Japanese people would visit LA, and as soon as they got home, the first thing their friends would ask would be, “Did you get headbutted by Chewbacca?” Yes, I think we’ve found Gary Busey’s next project.