Ratner judges Crotchfondlemania 2K12
Hot off his GLAAD-sponsored, I-didn’t-really-mean-to-say-rehearsal-was-for-fags apology tour, Brett Ratner is in talks to direct Dwayne and his The Rock-like Johnson in an adaptation of a graphic novel about Hercules for MGM. Now, I know Brett Ratner’s trying to buddy up to the gay community, but Brett Ratner directing The Rock in a Hercules movie sounds so homoerotic that I might have to go into it with a big bucket of buttered amyl poppers. Usually I only bring that out when GSP fights.
Dwayne Johnson is in talks to star in MGM’s “Hercules,” to be directed by Brett Ratner.
Scribe Ryan Condol adapted Steve Moore’s graphic novel “Hercules: The Thracian War,” which debuted in May 2008 via Radical Publishing. [Variety]
I don’t know much about the graphic novel, other than that it’s got a jacked dude wearing a hat made out of a lion’s skull (the foam cowboy hats of olden times). Here’s the description from Amazon:
Nearly 3,200 years ago, a tormented soul walked the Earth as neither man nor god: Hercules, powerful son of the god-king Zeus, and for this he received nothing but suffering. After 12 arduous labors and the loss of his family, this dark, world-weary soul turned his back on the gods, finding solace only in bloody battle. Over the years, he warmed to the company of six similar souls, bonded by their love of fighting and the presence of death never questioning where they go or who they fight, just how much they will be paid. Now the King of Thrace has hired these mercenaries to turn his men into the greatest army of all time, which means training them to be as bloodthirsty and ruthless as their own reputation. It is time for this band of lost souls to finally have their eyes opened to how far they have fallen and the narrow, perilous path to their own redemption.
This is why I can never get into graphic novels. They all seem so thuper theriouth. Anyway, a lot of people say The Rock is trying to follow the career blueprint of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And if that’s true, a Hercules movie is an apt starring vehicle for him. I just hope he gets to fight a bear in it like Arnold did, because that would be amazing.
Banner picture via Sam Aronov / Shutterstock.com. Hercules art via ComicRelated.
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If The Rock goes the Steve Reeves route and sthuper gays it up with leopard loin cloths and glistening biceps and long loving glances at King Pelias . . . I. AM. SO. IN!!!
I see a role for Nick Ring in there.
“Herculethe… My knee ligamenth are thoooo looooothe”
That entire block quote was lifted from The Ultimate Warrior’s callout to Hulk Hogan before Wrestlemania 6
God I forgot how awesomely bad that movie was.
I like how GLAAD sounds exactly how a slightly soused greying queen would mockingly slur their approval for things.
Looks like 300 has some competition for most unintentionally homoerotic movie ever.
unintentional?
This movie sounds so gay it should be called Hiscules.
Wait! Will The Rock be comfortable with being filmed shirtless?
graphic novels like that are just xeroxed and stapled storyboards. theyre usually super serious and super shitty. try something by johnny ryan. he’s just slightly less serious than your average cartoonist.
and feel free to call them comic books. i think the effort to try and rebrand the medium is pretty much dead.
Ratner is already channeling his inner Arnold. All zee time he is cumming. When he is eating the nachos, cumming. When he is eating the cheeto, cumming. With a shrimp up his butt, he is cumming.
“Sometimes, I like to dip my entiyah hand into deh bahbeque sauce and pretend it’s a shiny Mexican housekeepah… and look wheah she’s going…” (begins fondling crotch)