Forget SOPA, PIPA, Darfur, blind kids, and The Congo, tonight we all need to pray, start fundraisers, and send letters to our congressmen to keep Hazel Jones from being a prude. See, she’s the 27-year-old British woman with two vaginas who’s just been offered a million dollars to appear in a porn film, and while it’s undoubtedly a publicity stunt, Hazel, baby, it doesn’t have to be. Just relax, baby, we’re gonna make you a star.

Her name is Hazel Jones — and the 27-year-old beauty has been making the media rounds across the pond to discuss “uterus didelphys” … a condition which caused her to develop 2 sets of female reproductive organs. In other words, two vaginal canals with two openings.

“Hi, I’m here to deliver a pizza. Did someone order… a triple sausage?” (*walking bass riff, excessive wah-wah pedal*)

Hazel recently told British tabloid The Sun that she’s not shy about her condition — insisting she and her husband have shown it off at sex clubs around the U.K.

HOLY CRAP, YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN??! (*breathes into paper bag, jacks off into sweat sock*)

Enter Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch [that sounds like a different movie...] … who heard Hazel’s story … and immediately reached out to the woman with a MASSIVE offer to film her double hoo-hah in action.
In the letter, Hirsch writes, “You are obviously an extraordinary woman and I would like to make you an offer to star in an upcoming Vivid production. We would pay you up to $1 million for your services.”[TMZ]

I truly think this is just what porn needs to revitalize the industry. It’s been a long time since porn was educational. Remember the first time you watched porn, and all your life you’d been thinking that the vagina hole was up in front, like the stage behind the curtains, but then come to find out it’s actually all underneath? And it exploded your entire perception in an instant? Hazel Jones’ double hoo-ha has the potential to be just that kind of life-changing moment. It could be like seeing a vagina hole for the first time all over again. Do it, Hazel. The world needs you.

Most helpful line from the TMZ story: “For the mathematically challenged, that’s $500k per vagina.” THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!