Opening Wide and Saying, “Ahhhhh”: Joyful Noise, Contraband, Beauty and the Beast 3D

Opening in Limited Release: The Iron Lady, We Need to Talk About Kevin

FilmDrunk Suggests: Not The Iron Lady, that’s for sure. Did you read Vince’s review? This one, right here. Man, that’s some brutal criticism. I don’t know who keeps giving that Meryl Streep lady jobs, but she needs to give up and go get her secretary’s license.

"And you look like the star of TLC's Hooker Granny."

Joyful Noise

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 39% critics, 72% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“And the film, written and directed by Todd Graff (‘Bandslam’), feels both overstuffed and glossed over. It wants to be a charming, down-home good time, but it struggles to hit the right notes. It’s a song that never quite comes together.” – Adam Graham, Detroit News

“So let me hear an ‘Amen’ — or at least an ‘Okay.’ Admitted, ‘Joyful Noise’ is sweet and slow and overstuffed — but like those Sunday dinners it mimics, it also satisfies, if you’re not too stuck on yourself to let it.” – Stephen Whitty, The Star Ledger (How about a big, ol’ hell naw?)

Armchair Analysis: *cracks knuckles, loosens bolo tie* I’ve been waiting for this one. Have you seen the trailer for this soggy dump? It’s here. For starters, the acting just looks terrible. Second, Dolly Parton as a hip grandma? Awesome. Believability at its best. Above all else, though, someone has once again brought to us the equation of (insert random talent + overcoming a rivalry) x kids being the voice of reason = saving the rec center. In this case, it’s a church choir saving a church. Great job, Hollywood. Way to really redefine creativity.

Only Sandler casts hotter girlfriends.

Contraband

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 48% critics, 79% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Contraband would be even more fun if filmmaker Baltasar Kormakur (star of Reykjavik-Rotterdam) could have figured out what to do with co-star Beckinsale. While Chris is committing piracy on the high seas, she’s left at home, being guarded by a twitchy pal of Chris’s named – uh-oh! – Sebastian (Ben Foster).” – Stephen Cole, Globe and Mail (Nobody puts Kate Beckinsale in the corner!)

“But darn it, I just couldn’t help having fun. The action goes all over the place, so that at one point Chris gets recruited into a Panamanian armored car robbery — the heist within the heist. (Actually, there’s yet another layer of theft, which I’ll leave the audience to discover.)”– Christopher Lloyd, Sarasota Herald-Tribune

Armchair Analysis: I love that in the commercials for this film, they say, “Mark Wahlberg from The Italian Job”. Because that’s basically what this is, a meaner, darker Italian Job, minus Charlize Theron, whose trash I would sleep in for 16 days just to tell people I was in the same zip code. Then again, Kate Beckinsale ain’t so bad, amiright, pervs? But Contraband, which I think will be a quite enjoyable film, has given us my latest nominee for the 2012 Taylor Lautner “Not if I find you first” Cheese Dick Line of the Year, when Giovanni Ribisi screeches, “Say goodbye to your wife!” Slays me every time.