"Why didn't you write me? ... BRAAAAAAAAINS..."
God dammit. For the last time, people, zombies are not timely metaphors. They’re not symbols of consumer culture, or overpopulation, or the war on terror, and they sure as hell aren’t the perfect jumping off point for a teen romance. They’re big sacks of movie meat that you can explode without pondering motive or remorse, like Nazis. ZOMBIES ARE TO BE EXPLODED.
Anyway. Summit has released some new stills from Warm Bodies, their zombie romance adapted from Isaac Marion’s book by Jonathan Levine. Wait a second, the guy who directed 50/50? What the shit? It stars Nicholas Hoult (X-Men: First Class), Teresa Palmer (I Am Number Four), Rob Corddry (lots of stuff), Dave Franco (James’s brother), Analeigh Tipton (who?) and John Malkovich (awesome). Here’s the book description:
R is a young man with an existential crisis–he is a zombie. He shuffles through an America destroyed by war, social collapse, and the mindless hunger of his undead comrades, but he craves something more than blood and brains. He can speak just a few grunted syllables, but his inner life is deep, full of wonder and longing. He has no memories, no identity, and no pulse, but he has dreams.
After experiencing a teenage boy’s memories while consuming his brain, R makes an unexpected choice that begins a tense, awkward, and stragely sweet relationship with the victim’s human girlfriend. Julie is a blast of color in the otherwise dreary and gray landscape that surrounds R. His decision to protect her will transform not only R, but his fellow Dead, and perhaps their whole lifeless world.
Yeah, because that’s what I’ve always wanted in my zombie films, more wonder, and longing. I loved 50/50, but it doesn’t bode well that they released three pictures, and they’re all of a hot dude looking zombie-ish. Look, all I’m saying is that at this rate, it’s not going to be long before the goth dudes in high school start wearing blueish lipstick and crazy contacts to guy with the guyliner, and that’s how I’ll know it’s finally time to kill myself.
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He looks like the lead singer of My Chemical Romance, Gerard Way
*Ties noose, moves chair underneath ceiling fan, warms up lube.
Zombie romance? Those things should never be linked. That guy in the stills is basically in vampire makeup, which are the only sexy supernaturals. Well vampires and wolf babes anyway.
Wait, is this a remake of the 1993 comedy classic “My Boyfriend’s Back”?
Sound alright, but think I’ll wait for the sequel where their half-zombie offspring starts attracting alien suitors from inside the womb.
I’ll say what I’ve been writing in my letters to Hollywood for the past 3 years:
Greetings,
Just make a movie where John Malkovich is pissed off and hacks up people with a hatchet like at the end of “Burn After Reading”. No stupid dialogue, no zombies, no teenagers, just Malko-J chewin’ scenery, hackin’ up assholes.
Love,
Jesse
Has someone been reading my diary?
R is a young man with an existential crisis–he is a zombie. He shuffles through an America destroyed by war, social collapse, and the mindless hunger of his undead comrades, but he craves something more than blood and brains. He can speak just a few grunted syllables, but his inner life is deep, full of wonder and longing. He has no memories, no identity, and no pulse, but he has dreams.
So it’s “Otto” except they made the zombie straight and actually a zombie instead of just crazy? Fuck everything about that.
A war ravaged America and an undead boy? The Cranberries are going to make a fortune.
I can’t wait until the zombie sings “Killing Me Softly” for his suicidal mother at the school talent competition
I like how they assume that the target demo knows what existentialism is.
It’s, like, French dudes being sad, right?
How long until these baktags start marketing braunschweiger-like dildos for fatty fangirls to not only keep in the fridge (for the coveted ‘cold-dead-dick’ sensation) AND to give them the fulfillment of “inner lovebox penile erosion and detachment” BUT also provides a sleeve so Ritz so they can snack afterwards?
“R” and “J”, eh? It’s like this entire project was conceived to settle a bet on who could spin faster in his grave, John Hughes or William Shakespeare.
Zombies can’t get it up and I don’t want to smush my junk against a dude who looks like an 80s lesbian.
Dave Franco’s Zombie-Dicknose rots off 12 minutes into the movie
Most Likely to Suck Seed.
The bulging blue eyes tell you he is so emotionally deep ladies, while his styled hair tells you he picked the right hair product before getting zombie bit, he also had the presence of mind to not bleed, at all, and never eat anyone to keep those puffy lips ready for undead make outs.
Dudes in my high school were always trying to get brain.
Well, when the teen girls go batshit insane over this movie it will at least be amusing watching them dig up corpses searching for true love.
I wanna see AnnaLynn McCord and Analeigh Tipton go ass to ass. You know… for irony’s sake.
I’d just like it to jerk off to.
He looks like he just left something wet in his pants and he’s realized it may not be shit. (spoiler: its his contract)
Necrofeelya
Making a movie called “Warm Bodies” and not having any gratuitous cumshot scenes is the first real disappointment of the year.
TONY STONEM GONNA BITE YO FACE
And here I was, thinking I was the only one who watched BBC Skins.
Breaking Dawn of the Dead. Please call it that.
Man every zombie knows: Brains before Dames
Couldn’t they have just told R.Pats that this was a sixth Twilight movie and saved money while achieving the same effect?
Is this going to be another abstinence parable because you know if she goes to touch it, won’t it uhm fall apart?
He doesn’t want to eat her. Typical.
The Mighty Feklahr isn’t sure where to go from processed-meat dildos, maybe He should try asking @R a few questions:
@MightyFeklhr
Matthias Lilleg
Qaplah, @R ! Thanks for the twinterview. So, what tubby female shortcomings is this movie trying to appeal to/patronize? #FML #KahlessHasForshakkenUs
*****
@R
R
BBBRRRRAAAI-I-I-NNNSSS!!! #brains
*****
@MightyFeklhr
Matthias Lilleg
<b?@R Dor sho gha! #waqawaqa*
*actual transcript!**
**citation needed
Is that rigor in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
… so both then?
R is short for Rob.
Mean human-girl-hating zombie: Listen, R., we’re going to eat your girlfriend’s brains.
R: Not if I eat your brains first
Like we’re supposed to believe that ‘Dave’ Franco isn’t just an alter-ego James Franco adopts in order to BLOW YOUR MIND.
If there’s no love triangle involving a mummy with a six-pack then I’ll just die.
As one of the foremost experts in zombie survival in North Texas, I can only guestimate that this movie will lead to countless deaths when the real zombies arrive. This is the sort of Hollywood crap that is going to destroy our children, literally.
Oh, and what makes me a “zombie expert” you may ask? I asked Max Brooks, in front of a packed auditorium full of other college students if he considered Jesus Christ a zombie since he rose from the dead.
Dammit. Analeigh Tipton is in this, so now I have to see it. Fuck this movie.
Hopefully everyone who stars in, works on, or goes to see this movie will die in horrible agony.
I’ve been doing it all wrong, I should be pretending I’m dead BEFORE sex.
It looks like he was bitten while inside a Hot Topic.
I guess it won’t be as awesome as this queer piece of masterturd [www.youtube.com]