Whenever I post anything about the upcoming Total Recall remake, people react as if Hollywood kidnapped their dog and shaved it, and I admit I don’t totally disagree. Len Wiseman is directing (Underworld, Live Free or Die Hard), it’s QUAID! START THE OVERREACTOR!

“Total Recall” is an action thriller about reality and memory, inspired anew by the famous short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Welcome to Rekall, the company that can turn your dreams into real memories. For a factory worker named Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell), even though he’s got a beautiful wife (Kate Beckinsale) who he loves, the mind-trip sounds like the perfect vacation from his frustrating life – real memories of life as a super-spy might be just what he needs. But when the procedure goes horribly wrong, Quaid becomes a hunted man. Finding himself on the run from the police – controlled by Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), the leader of the free world – Quaid teams up with a rebel fighter (Jessica Biel) to find the head of the underground resistance (Bill Nighy) and stop Cohaagen. The line between fantasy and reality gets blurred and the fate of his world hangs in the balance as Quaid discovers his true identity, his true love, and his true fate. [via geektyrant]

That’s an awesome cast, but there’s really nothing they can do to soften the blow of a space-free, PG-13 Total Recall where the three-boobed hooker has to wear pasties or something directed by a guy who’s never made a good movie. It’s like hearing they brought back Santa Claus, only now he just gives out boxes of raisins.

The only way to save this now is to have Arnold Schwarzenegger record a commentary track and play it along with the movie in theaters.