We know this is the first This Week in Posters we've done for the New Year, but this ship will be back on course and up to steam in no time. I've been trying to get this thing locked and loaded every Tuesday afternoon, so once I start self-medicating, look for it with a little more consistency. GRRR, LASER FOCUS.
First up, this new poster for The Grey. It was wise of them to play up the most commercial aspect of the film, i.e. LIAM NEESON BOXING WOLVES WITH BROKEN BOTTLES ON HIS HANDS! Hell, I'd watch a whole series of these - Liam Neeson boxes wolves with broken bottles, Liam Neeson hits hyenas with a tire iron, Liam Neeson with bug zapper in a room full of lizards, Liam Neeson headbutts deer in a pith helmet - I could go on forever, and never run out of great ideas. And looking at the way he's holding his knife reminds me of the fight between Steven Seagal and Tommy Lee Jones at the end of Under Siege. How much more awesome would it have been if Liam Neeson had been there with broken bottles taped to his hand, hucking wolves at everyone? Get on that.
Okay, so technically this isn't actually a poster, just a publicity image from Step Up 4, the franchise that C-Tates built, but I couldn't deprive you of this. "Step Up 4: Step Up 4 Your Homies," I wish it was called.
This entry is sets the dancing against the vibrant backdrop of Miami. Emily, the daughter of a wealthy businessman, arrives in Miami with aspirations of becoming a professional dancer, but soon falls in love with Sean, a young man who leads a dance crew in elaborate, cutting-edge flash mobs. The crew, called the MOB, strives to win a contest for a major sponsorship opportunity, but soon Emily's father threatens to develop the MOB's historic neighborhood and displace thousands of people. Emily must band together with Sean and the MOB to turn their performance mobs into protest mobs, and risk losing their dreams to fight for a greater cause.
A greedy developer, "cutting-edge flash mobs," holy hell, that synopsis has everything. And I hope by "cutting edge" they mean breakdance knife fights, a la West Side Story. Put some shoes on, bitch, where did you learn to flash mob, a barn?
And of course she fell in love with him, THE DUDE HAS FLAMES ON HIS JEANS! Not to mention a hankerchief (pocket square?) with graffiti on it. Graffiti is the monogram of the skreets, yo.
[via ComingSoon]
I've never heard about this movie before, but I think a better title might be "Old People F*cking." Because everyone in it seems to be giving me F-me eyes (except for Maggie Smith, who's all about B-Nigs). That, and the original title sucks. Since when do marigolds need hotels? They sleep in the dirt, like Jacktion's parents.
A guy in a hoodie turning the world diagonal? This also describes the creation of half these movie posters. So meta.
Gee, I wonder which one is evil. Could it be the guy with his greasy weird hair plastered to the front of his forehead like a pasty Cholombian staring at his feet? ...Nah, couldn't be.
Also, if they can actually get a car upside down on the Space Needle like that, it'd be a great promotion for the film.
This one's about Adrien Brody playing some kind of substitute teacher, like a suave, vaguely French-looking Dangerous Minds. Please, you think I'd ever let Adrien Brody around my kids? No way. He'd probably bang all of them, black chicks first. Look at him, he's trying eye-bang you right now! A-Brodes would bang your daughter and then probably give her a cigarette he rolled himself. Yeah, that's right, I'm onto you, squinty.
[via Movieline]
Ooh, another one from the guy who did Maria Full of Grace (aka Maria Full of Coke Balloons) with little awards garlands all over it. I wonder if it will be a super-boring film about a super-serious subject. I can't wait for his next film, "90 Minutes of Latin Chicks Crying."
"For all they agreed on, they couldn't come together on leggings."
What's with all the movies set in Seattle all of a sudden? I wonder if it's just easier since they film everything in Vancouver now anyway.
All this needs is one more word in the title and a gun in Nic Cage's hand to be a Steven Seagal movie. "Ex-army special forces captain Gino Justice is on the run for war crimes he didn't commit, all while trying to solve the biggest war crime of all: they kidnapped his daughter. Seagal. In. Seeking Out Justice."
[trailer]
SPOILER ALERT: She's a woman! Politics schmolitics, let's talk pantsuits!
Jesus Christ, this movie.
The Iron Lady. It's got pearls and bouffant hair. You know, for the kids.
That thing on the right looks like a lizard with a giant hamburger for a head. I'm expecting a fast food tie in.
"They said he was too old to breast feed..."
Great Scott, can you imagine how obtusely intellectual a film that references Terrence Malick "reinventing silent expressionism" on the poster is going to be? Armond White may have to review this six times.
Here the poster designer tried to Trojan Horse yet another diagonal horizon line by distracting us with Denzel Washington's giant face. Nice try, punk. But I eat Denzel Washington's giant face for breakfast.
This maybe the most generic movie poster in the history of movie posters. I can think of absolutely nothing interesting to say about this.
Nice try trying to distract us with the Fargo reference, but I see that tagline down there. "Have an ice day." Haha, good one. I bet the head of the marketing department demanded that be in there but no one in design could talk them out of it, so they just ended up making it really small. Too bad, it's pretty good other than that. And I guarantee you "Have an ice day" has been in a Starbucks poster at some point, promoting a line of teas.
THIS SUMMER, A SEXY CHICK DOES STUFF SEXILY.
She'll never let go of this diagonal horizon line trend no matter how pointless.
Haha, they said Daniel Radcliffe was a woman. I've seen interviews with him, I bet he does fear women, and their curse. The curse being their vaginas. Icky!
YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES. A film from the guy who made Rubber comes a film that looks like the absurdist's answer to a bizarro world dentist office motivational poster. This guy gets me.
Though I suppose a more perfectly opposite bizarro dentist's office poster would be a cat with its paw on a tree that says "YOU'LL NEVER SUPPORT THAT TREE, PUSSY" This is better.
[posters via IMPA, unless otherwise noteed]
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Step Up 4 Your:
-car note
-child support payment
-DNA/lie detector test
SEEKING OUT JUSTICE UNDER FIRE YET ABOVE THE LAW WHILST MARKED FOR SIEGE
Vengeance Seeking Justice.
Nic Cage’s hairstyle is… incomprehensible? I will follow it wherever it wants to take me.
Middle of Nowhere: You never know where love will take you…
Is it the butt? I’m pretty sure it’s the butt.
The Mighty Feklahr would like massive/wholesale retribution for all of the Victorias-Secret-Models-That-Are-Supposedly-Really-Brutal-Badasses we have had in cinema for the last 10-15 years with a single spoof Youtube video:
*Kate Beckinsale holding a laptop approaches the counter at Geek Squad, manned by Justin Long*
KB: “Hi, I was using Internet Explorer to check my Hotmail and I got this notice that Bill Gates wanted to forward the email I had received and delete this library file called, um…”
JL: “BY DURIN’S BEARD! Just shut up lady, you are literally giving me Intellect Cancer with that “1″ you just rolled on your “save vs. fail”!
KB: “You can’t talk to me like that! HI YA!”
*Beckinsale throws a Tebow-level-awkward “martial arts” punch at Long, but even on the lowliest of spineless men, her hand shatters into a million pieces and she crumples to the floor, sobbing*
JL: “COME AT ME HOLIATH!”
Now get Nic Cage in Meryl Streep’s Thatcher hair, call it Seeking Iron Lady Justice, and you’ve got yourself a movie I’d pop my corn to.
Beware Daniel Radcliffe’s poorly photoshopped face!
I wonder if they can Step Up and save the neighborhood 4 everyone!?
Thr tragedy of Marigold Hotel is that they stole an idea from Andy Samberg, horrifyingly validating “Boombox” with Julian Casablancas.
Step Up 4 has the same plot as The Raccoons, but probably less hard-hitting social commentary.
I wonder what hacky spraypainting means in bandana code.
Seeking the Justice
Someone Set Up Us The Justice?
If they could get a car up on the space needle I might actually pay the toll to drive across the lake and see it.
HE CAN’T TEAR DOWN THE REC CENTER!!! WHERE ELSE WILL WE DANCE INSTEAD OF BE PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY?!?!?!11111
Fuckin’ Vance, before I even read your spiel I scrolled to the bottom and typed out “Let me guess, #3 is called Old Fucks Fucking“
The Step Up guy left his giant spray painted tshirt with him on a skateboard at home
“Ex-army special forces captain Gino Justice is on the run for sex crimes he didn’t commit, all while trying to bang the biggest war crime of all: they fucked his daughter. Seagal. In. Eating Out Justice.”
Does Nic Cage look like a light skinned black guy in the poster?
As someone who has been fired from lots of jobs in the entertainment industry, the mere fact that the guy who came up with “Have a Ice Day” is still employed and doing Pavlo Escobar levels of cocaine enrages me.
I can’t decide if it should be Neeson or the deer wearing the pith helmet, and which one would be better.
Sorry I’m late to the poster party but reading the synopsis to Step Up 4 caused my asshole to hemorrhage so ferociously that I passed out for a while there.
An ex-army special forces captain Nick Papadopoulos is on the run for war crimes he didn’t commit, all while trying to solve the biggest war crime of all: they kidnapped his brother. Seagal. In. Seeking Out Eustace.
Guess which film has Hugh Laurie making a cameo appearance? “NO ONE IS SAFE, HOUSE!”
Sheeeit, you know Brody tickle fought Baby Goose for that role. Probably put him in a full nelson.
Tell me more about this. Slowly.
If no one is safe, why did they call it safe house? That’s just sloppy marketing.
In re: #15, doesn’t it look like the world on the left is being sucked inexorably into that object on the right? Does that make it dark matt–I mean, a black h–I mean, something with a very strong gravitational pull?
I envision Hotel Marigold as something like Closer, but with seniors.
*unzips pants.
Ex-army special forces captain Dan Step must band together with Sean and the MOB to turn their performance mobs into protest mobs, and risk losing their dreams to fight for a greater cause: Justice, in Step Up 4 Justice
They keep making these Step Up movies and black people won’t be able to say they’re from the streets as a threat anymore.
“Live Or Die On This Day” What an amazing tagline! These guys really narrowed down the plot of the movie. I hope they didn’t give away the ending. It also sounds like it would be a casino game from Vegas Vacation.
The Best EXotic….. what?!!? BUNCHA HAGS.
I heard the preliminary title for the “The Grey” was actually “Schindler’s Fist,” but they had to change it because the rights to the name were already owned by Ron Jeremy.