Poor Burnsy. I was having him cover for me today while I went to some screenings and took care of a few things. I already made him write about Happy Madison once today and it almost killed him, and that was just in reference to a possible Grown Ups sequel. Making him cover this was out of the question. In any case, yes, Adam Sandler has signed on to co-write and star in the movie adaptation of Candyland (which we first heard about three years ago). Yes, Candyland the board game. We have reached the suck singularity.
Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison and Hasbro, Inc. are in final talks to develop Candy Land, a live action movie based on the bestselling Hasbro board game with Adam Sandler attached to star. Kevin Lima (Enchanted) is attached to direct the project for the studio with Sandler and Robert Smigel are in talks to write the screenplay.
Candyland is basically ‘Sorry’ with candy painted on the board, and adding Sandler to that mix doesn’t do much to alter my conception of what a movie adaptation might look like. Basically, the game pieces all shout-talk in a weird baby voice now.
Created in 1949, Candy Land takes players on a magical journey through fantastical lands made of candy, sweets, and ice cream: the Peppermint Forest, the Gum Drop Mountains, and the Lollypop Woods. Along the way, players encounter such iconic characters as Princess Frostine, Lord Licorice, Mr. Mint, and King Candy.
Mmm, yes, iconic indeed. Iconic in the way that no one remembers them. Meanwhile, Robert Smigel you might recognize as the man behind SNL’s TV Funhouse and the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But he also co-wrote You Don’t Mess With the Zohan in addition to this. My working theory is that one of the Happy Madison guys kidnapped his children. Peter Dante, probably, he looks swarthy.
Commenting on the announcement, Columbia CEO Doug Belgrad said, “Candy Land is more than just a game. It is a brand that children, parents and grandparents know and love. The world of Candy Land offers an extraordinary canvas upon which to create a fantastical, live-action family adventure film with a larger than life part for Adam. We are thrilled to partner with Hasbro and Happy Madison on this project.” [Deadline]
Thank God I wasn’t at this press conference.
BELGRAD: Candyland is more than just a game…
VINCE: No it’s not! In fact it’s the very definition of ‘just a game!’
BELGRAD: The world of Candy Land…
VINCE: IT’S A F*CKING PIECE OF CARDBOARD! IT’S NOT A ‘WORLD!’ IT’S A MAP! MADE OF CANDY DRAWINGS! HERE! HERE’S AN OFFENSIVE CARICATURE OF ASIAN AMERICANS MADE OF HERSHEY KISSES! IS THAT A WORLD TOO?!! GAAAAAH!
BELGRAD: …offers an extraordinary canvas upon which to create a fantastical, live-action family adventure film with a larger than life part for Adam.
VINCE: AN EXTRAORDINARY CANVAS?!? YOU MEAN AN EXTRAORDINARY PIECE OF MOTHERF*CKING CARDBOARD?! YARGLBARGHHHH… (*falls dead of brain aneurysm, camera pulls back to reveal he’s been shouting at a stuffed animal this entire time. Out the window, Adam Sandler’s kids drive by in the back seat of a stretched Bentley spitting caviar on each other*)
In conclusion, if Paul Blart doesn’t play King Candy I will eat my hat.
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Adam and co. became a part of the making of the Candyland movie when they happened upon this line in the Candyland wikipedia page: “Gramma Nutt (renamed ‘Gramma Gooey’ in 2010 edition)”. The next day they turned in a 123 page screenplay made up entirely of jokes based on this character’s name. Source: Wikipedia
Support the heroes who serving our nation. Support the troops that safeguard our safety. Please JOIN IN —– militaryloves **c 0’ m —. It’s a 10-year-old club for personnel in uniform and their admirers. You are not necessary to be a uniformed person. But come here, you can find friendship, love, romance, marriage or even more with those armed forces, police, navy, security, medical, ambulance, prison, air crew and fire fighters! hoooops!
I sit here with a feeling similar to that of when I was told my dog had spinal cancer.
He’s in a better place, where this movie will not be released.
This was one of the few remaining board game properties, what with Michael Fassbender and frequent collaborator Steve McQueen already at work on Hung Hung Hippos.
Damn, I’d watch that
Truth be told, there wasn’t a time I played candyland with my spawn and didn’t snicker a ol’ Gma Nutt, and crack wise;
Ain’t no nut like a Grandma nut.
Grandma nut enslave like cinnamon and moth balls.
Grandma nutt, Grandpa Nutt, everybody nut!
Etc. The kids never got it, but when playing Candyland, any distraction is golden.
What I’m saying is that I am conflicted about that name change, though Gma Gooey, that’s some pretty easy sauce right there.
In conclusion, if Paul Blart doesn’t play King Candy I will eat my hat.
Is it a candy hat? Because that’s cheating.
In an alternate (far superior) universe someone would option Harry McClintock or Burl Ives’ corpse and make Big Rock Candy Mountain. Cigarette trees, a lake of stew, one of whiskey too, you can paddle around it in a big canoe… bah, they win, I’m singing out loud again.
Instead, we’ll get Hooray for Everything’s version of “I Want Candy.”
Kevin James: “Has we hit bottom yet?”
Adam Sandler: “We has, bro.”
People, whatever you do, do NOT read the comments section of the Deadline article. I read about 5 comments from people who think this pile of hot manure is actually a GOOD idea before my eyeballs burst into flames from anger.
Uh-oh… Candyland IS Grown Ups 2.
And Chris Rock is Black Licorice. Fuck, I hate Happy Madison.
If Betty White isn’t Grandma
NuttGooey I’ll make a “Two Guys One Hat” video with Vince.Guy’cha, if Adam drops an air conditioner on that “Frostine Frostine Lady”, it might not be so bad?
This photoshop is so good the puss is literally leaking out of my left cheek.
Seriously. No, seriously, it has nothing to do with me picking at it with a blunt nail file for the last half-hour.
GOSLING RULES!!!
… the suckularity, if you will.
[dodges bucket of Bit-O-Honey, softshoes off stage left]
Whatever, the soundtrack for this movie is going to be awesome!
Kevin James will need to double up on his insulin after this movie.
If he had any kind of conscience left in him, I’d accuse Adam Sandler of making some take-off on the “Sorry!” franchise every year since 1998. Alas, he doesn’t
Candyland is nothing like Sorry!. Sorry! involves multiple game pieces per player and requires each player to make strategic choices. Candyland is literally choice-free, with players moving their single piece based on whatever card they draw; it is designed for babies who are still crapping their pants. So, it’s a perfect match for Adam Sandler’s audience.
I need some help dream casting the porn parody. So far I’ve got Lexington Steele as Lord Licorice, and Princess Frostine could be played by whoever currently holds the blow bang record.
*Too lazy to Google it.
“Mom”.
It could be worse. Give me a few to think of how.
OK, I think Filmdrunk needs to make a stand. We have to start ignoring Sandler. He feeds off our scorn. I propose a Happy Madison Boycott.
Just when I think Happy Madison couldn’t possibly make any dumber movies, they go and do something like this…and totally redeem themselves! I hope this is in 3D!!
I’m just outraged at the demotion of Frostine. It RHYMED.
Support the heroes who serving our nation. Support the troops that safeguard our safety. Please JOIN IN —– militaryloves **c 0’ m —. It’s a 10-year-old club for personnel in uniform and their admirers. You are not necessary to be a uniformed person. But come here, you can find friendship, love, romance, marriage or even more with those armed forces, police, navy, security, medical, ambulance, prison, air crew and fire fighters!
Can I completely destroy American culture?
YOU CAN DO IT!
Adam Sandler and Robert Smigel? TV fun house and happy Gilmore! Sounds good