TOLDJA.com this morning is reporting that Steven Spielberg, fresh off an Oscar nom for his epic tale of a horse that had moxie, is close to signing a deal to direct a “a Braveheartish version of the Moses story” called Gods and Kings for Warner Bros.
“Him coming down the river, being adopted, leaving his home, forming an army, and getting the Ten Commandments,” an insider tells us. And despite the awesome screen possibilities of the parting of the Red Sea, the movie isn’t being contemplated in 3D. Warner Bros wants Spielberg to direct it with the gritty reality of Saving Private Ryan, which is considered a masterpiece redefining battle movies. ”There have been glossy versions of the Moses story but this would be a real warrior story,” an insider tells us. Insiders tell us the dialogue should consummate by the end of the month. Warner Bros wants to start production sometime in March or April of 2013.
The two writers are Stuart Hazeldine (the upcoming epic Paradise Lost for Legendary/Warner Bros and inspired by the John Milton poem) and Michael Green (co-writer of Warner Bros’ Green Lantern [Editor's Note: WOOF] and the upcoming ABC midseason series The River for Spielberg”. [Deadline]
Gritty, gritty, gritty. Every goddamned movie has to be “gritty” these days. It’s enough to make you circumcise your first-born. Anyway, it’s easy to imagine how Spielberg would direct this. I envision about a hundred dolly-in shots on awestruck Israelites making the Spielberg face as Moses parts the Red Sea. And what better way to drive home the senseless cruelty of war and slavery than by telling the story through the eyes of an innocent golden calf?
“What koind of a calf is that?”
“The miraculous koind, Oy ‘magine.”
(*calf worshippers get turned to salt, calf continues absent-mindedly chewing grass*)
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Street Law Jew gambles on dreidel in the alleyway.
“It’s like Braveheart for Jews, sugar tits.”
Isn’t “Law Jew” kinda redundant?
I believe it’s a categorical imperative.
These fifteen commandments. These… *oops*
Ten. These ten commandments.
Oh Mel.
Early reports say it’s hard to understand pharaoh through the mask.
Street Law Jew wouldn’t give his mutha such a deal on a brick of yay.
If they can cast Jude Law in the lead role, the PR practically writes itself.
Law Jew has a 100% conviction rate in hater’s court
MMA cage match.
Law Jew VS The Hebrew Hammer
Adam Goldberg for the win.
How would you direct a fantasy movie about a dude with a rod who inflicts plagues as a gritty reality movie? Would it star Ron Jeremy?
Also, warrior? Is Moses gonna get some rock hard abs and 300 the shit out of that Pharoah in color saturated slo-mo?
What’s that Pharoah? No freedom for my people? BOOM. Frogs. How ya like me now? (beats chest)
Mel Gibson called this a ‘Baum of a movie.
I wonder if Steve Carell kept all his Moses gear?
Does anyone else notice that no matter how much they say something will be “gritty” it still ends up coming out as glossed-over PG-13 trash?
Law Jew’s parents don’t love him as much as his brother, Dr. Jew.
Moses raises an army? Of What? Accountants?
… and Michael Green (co-writer of Warner Bros’ Green Lantern [Editor's Note: WOOF]
“Woof, what? He comes at a discount. I went to Temple with his brother, Moisha.”
I’m going to resist, but if the Angel of Death wipes out all the first born sons set to a bitchin’ guitar solo, I’ll probably just write the theater a blank check and live out the rest of my days there.
Nice.
Moses to Pharaoh as he kicks him down a well:
“THIS… IS… MASHUGANA!!!!!”
Finally, a Riders of the Lost Ark prequel!
Raiders
I like “riders” better. Sounds like the story from before Jonah built his ship. Y’know, when the world was apparently so awesome God had to kill everyone?
How is Spielberg going to direct this without being able to justify the inclusion of blinding floodlights backlighting his subjects? Welp, I guess there’s the burning bush.
Law & Order: Special Kvetching Unit
I’m not really up on my bible stuff, but if I remember correctly, wasn’t Moses kinda a bitch and it was his brother who really took care of business? Moses was more the man behind the scenes or whatever.
That’s what I was going to say. I’m pretty sure he had a freaking lisp, and it was Aaron what did all the talking.
Come at me, ph’roah.
Well done.
The whole time Moses was up on Mount Sinai, he was probably ruminating on how pissed he’d be if there were any gays down there when he got back. Low and behold.
Moses 1, Tom Cruise 0
After the first screening, Hebrews present at the actual parting of the Red Sea remarked of the Spielberg version of events: “I don’t remember Moses saying the f word so much.”