Before Mark Wahlberg was a movie star, he was a juvenile delinquent who beat old Vietnamese men with sticks and called them “slant-eyed gooks.” Somewhere in between those two things (1996, to be precise), he starred in Fear, playing the Fatal Attraction-style boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who liked her so much he tattooed “NICOLE 4 EVA” on his chest and fingered her on a roller coaster. 
It all would’ve worked out too, if only she hadn’t caught him raping that slut Alyssa Milano. That’s when she dumped him and he got mad and cut off her dog’s head, and the guy from CSI had to throw him him off a roof. (Sorry, you have no idea how long I’ve been dying to post that synopsis).
Well it seems Justin Bieber is obsessed with the film, which means it isn’t just making young girls squeal that we have in common. (Me more for hygiene reasons).
Our source would like to remain anonymous for now, as he is still working next to the singer, but we’ve been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas, and he is looking to build off the career model of Mark Wahlberg. And its Marky Mark’s dark R-rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.
There are currently no plans to remake Fear, released by Universal Pictures in 1996. But Justin Bieber is rumored to be obsessed with the movie… Justin Bieber is said to be eyeing the role in a proposed remake, hoping that it will give his image and career the same edge it gave Mark Wahlberg back in 1996. [Movieweb]
The problem is, Justin Bieber is a goofy Canadian with a Jesus tattoo and lesbian hair, and Mark Wahlberg was basically playing himself. Mark Wahlberg didn’t get his edge from a movie, he got it the old fashioned way, by beating up gooks. Drawing a direct tattoo parallel, if Bieber were to draw from his own personal life, the girl would have to be played by… well, Jesus.
I wouldn’t mind seeing the rollercoaster scene recut with a Bieber song though.
I’ll leave the obvious joke here for you guys.
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So, wait…Justin Bieber wants to get fingered on a roller coaster?
No you idiot. He wants to get fingered BY the roller coaster. Reading is FUNdamental.
Nicole really seems to be enjoying those good vibrations…
Update: Hazel Jones is reportedly in talks to play Reese Witherspoon’s character in the remake. The studio just didn’t think The Beib’s was enough, they wanted double the star power.
Really? Beiber is about as threatening as a yappy little lap dog.
SO LET ME IN THE FRIGGIN’ HOUSE, EH!
*Mother opens door, backhands Bieber off front porch*
Let’s not sell Bieber short, when seen through a door viewer he appears as a menacing yappy little lap dog
If Justin Bieber wants people to think he can get a girl that excited, he’d better shoot that scene on a log flume.
I wish Justin Bieber would have followed Wahlberg’s career earlier. That way would have had double the chance of preventing 9/11.
Spoiler alert: Selena Gomez shows up and turns Bieber into the bearded lady.
Now I just hope that Bieber/Marky Mark Color of Money but with Street Basketball movie gets made and there’s a scene where Marky Mark is all, “Smell my fingahs, yah little queah.”
Fingering the Bieber while riding the Witherspoon would be a different movie entirely.
Not that I wouldn’t be up for auditioning.
Guess back in 1996 Jesus wasn’t watching Wahlberg’s cutest sexual assault attempt on film.
SO LET ME IN THE FUCKING DOOR!
(Father turns to daughter) – Why are you afraid of this kid again?
I once got fingered in the Lobster Boy exhibit. Once.
You call your vagina the Lobster Boy exhibit?
That Wild Fackin’ Horses song is so queah, they shoulda played it for Tebow’s My Little Ponies after that horsewhippin’ my boy Tawmmy B. gave ‘em last week. GO PATS OR GO HOME!
If they do remake this with Bieber, they should get a bandog to play the dog.
If they tried that on the Kingda Ka, He would have been digging his elbow out of her
hoo-ha
ILM doesn’t have enough skill to make him menacing.
The way I see it, Bieber wants to mimic Whalberg’s career based on one of two misconceptions: Either he thinks Boogie Nights is a movie about dance parties, or he knows full well what it’s about, but doesn’t realize that it was a prosthetic.
I WON’T NEVAH SAY NEVAH!
ME AND NICOLE 4 EVA!
Bieber in a remake of “Fear”? I don’t know.
He’s talented, but that role will forever belong to Reece Witherspoon.
Justin Bieber couldn’t finger Reese Witherspoon in a Giant Forehead lineup. Yeah, I don’t know why there’d even be such a lineup either, I’m just saying, he’d probably screw it up and point at Joe Buck or something.
No, YOU’RE drunk.
Maybe Justin Beiber has 2 Vaginas?
I think Jesus getting fingered on a rollercoaster was part of corinthians.
I’m still not convinced Justin Bieber isn’t Aaron Carter.